ender will save us all

Sometimes I just need a good cry.

Sometimes I just need a good cry to Dashboard Confessional. Hey, I can get emo too.

This turpentine chaser's got kick, and the rag that it's soaked in is rich.

Why do I need a good cry? A plethora of tiny reasons, really, (roughly ninety-nine, though males are not one). I don't like to cry. It makes me feel weak and out of control, so sometimes when I'm having a string of bad luck, I light some candles, draw a hot bath, and let the tears flow. If I can control when I cry, then I'm still in control and it's not weak; it's scheduled. Yes, I have issues.

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has. 
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all. 
(Oh, look now, there you go with hope again).

I've always prided myself on my gift of determination. I'm a goal getter. I generally get what I want once I set my mind to it. Until recently, it had never really occurred to me that my gift could also be my curse. Also, I'm highly self-sufficient, so this coupled with determination makes me a non-trusting control freak, which in turn has been destroying my social well being and my sanity.

Don't blink, everyone's watching. They'll think you're up to something.
They need for you to be everything they cannot be themselves.

I thought finishing school would finally allow me the chance to experience the world. I thought I could balance work and life, and actually live. It turns out that I'm a little too neurotic for that. I was given more responsibility earlier on because I'm hungry for power and I'm relatively good at what I do. This extra responsibility turned into earlier mornings and staying late (which has led to exhaustion). This was not required of me, but I required it of myself.  This has made me realize my biggest weakness is trust. This is why I can't delegate effectively, (and why I go in early/stay late to get things done). This is why I push people away when they get too close too quickly. This is why I can't be a part of a healthy adult relationship. This is why I needed a good cry.

So don't be a liar, 
don't say that everything's working when everything's broken..


Making up a history; it's nothing from the life you lead, 
but man will they buy all your lines.

I feel like my good friends have known about this trust issue for some time now, but knew that I would blatantly deny it if brought to my attention. Excuses made for each instance. Denial dominating my thought processes. But it all seems so clear now. I don't fully trust anyone. I'm constantly waiting for everyone in my life to disappoint me, because the few truly hard times I've had in my life, (yes, I've had some), the people I put my faith in, destroyed it. And it broke me. It still breaks me. So, I did what I'm currently doing best: trusting no one but myself. If I disappoint myself, it's on me. If I mess it up, it's my fault. I can control me, but I can't control you. And if I can't control your actions towards me, then you'll undoubtedly leave me and take bits of me with you, and I will have to feel that pain all over again. This is not acceptable, therefore it is not allowed.

Your pulse is anemic. You're tired of the fire.
You're bruising too easy and falling behind
And no one is waiting for you.

On the surface it appears that I trust everyone, maybe even a little too much. Don't be fooled; it's an act, a lie. I don't trust you, and I'm always looking for reasons not to. I'm waiting for you to abandon me. I'm waiting for you to realize that I'm not worth it. I'm pushing you away so I don't get hurt when you come to that realization. I'm actively sabotaging our relationship. I'm just biding my time until, sooner or later, every single one of you proves me right. I'm a heartless robot trying to show everyone that I need no one.

And I'm going to end up bitter and all alone, which suits me some days. But then I have a good cry and remember that feeling something is better than feeling nothing. I had one of those days today. And I decided that maybe I have a problem, and maybe I need to fix it before I self-destruct and no one is there to help me with the pieces.

And you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone, or anyone at all...
And the grave that you refuse to leave, 
The refuge that you've built to flee,
The places that you've come to fear the most
Is the place that you have come to fear the most.

i haven't changed a bit

Man, being a real adult is hard, y'all.

I've been driving all over Memphis these past weeks, which combined with constant road work on 240/I-55, has given me ample time for listening to some newly acquired tunes. Here are some current favorites of mine:

Settle Down/No Doubt:
Wait a Minute/The Hives
King and Lionheart/Of Monsters and Men
Flowers in Your Hair/The Lumineers
National Anthem/Lana Del Ray
Bad Religion/Frank Ocean
Out on the Town/Fun.
Help, I'm Alive/Metric
Amazing Eyes/Good Old War
Same Mistakes/The Echo Friendly
Ships/Lady Danville


Some are not quite so new, but newly obsessed over by me. To my delight, my recent discovery of The Lumineers has also coincided with a show announcement in Oxford at the Lyric, (which is dominating right now--Passion Pit is playing there too!).

As you know, I generally listen to music that reflects my current state of emotions, but this list is a definite exception. I just really like these songs, and I have no real connection to them other than that. Sort of. Yet.

Flowers in Your Hair:
So, now I think that I could love you back, and I hope it's not too late, 'cause you're attractive. And the way you move, I won't close my eyes. It takes a man to live. It takes a woman to make him compromise.


Be in my eyes, be in my heart.


Really, this is silly, picking out a favorite. I also love Classy Girls, Stubborn Love, and Ho Hey. I foresee a post dedicated entirely to The Lumineers by the time I see them in Oxford. They're simply delightful.


National Anthem:
Money is the anthem, of success, so put on mascara and your party dress


There is just something about this song. I cannot get enough of it. I seriously had it on repeat the entire way to work one morning. The video is also...interesting. You should check it out if you haven't already done yourself that favor. I know her album has been out a while, but I just now really started getting into it. I am also in love with Born to Die


Bad Religion:
If it brings me to my knees, It's a bad religion


This unrequited love, to me it's nothing but a one man cult and cyanide in my styrofoam cup. I could never make him love me, never make him love me, no, no.

This song is just so powerful. His voice is full of real pain, and it pulls you in, makes you hurt with him, feel his vulnerability. Unrequited love is one of the worst feelings, though it's one that many people, including myself, feel, and he really captures it in this song. I am meh about the rest of the album thus far, but a few more listens could change that.

Amazing Eyes:

You're a little bit broken and I'm a little bit broken. When we put ourselves together, my oh my. And you may not understand it, but something here is working. So, I don't mind, I don't mind, 'cause you're mine...you're mine.

I am in love with this band right now. Every song is just so beautiful. I heard this one, and I was immediately swept off of my feet. Do these men actually exist, that speak so affectionately about women? Even if they are few and far between, it gives me hope that maybe I can be someone's amazing eyes, (okay, that was my one sappy moment of the post--moving on).

Same Mistakes:

My friends are all a drag. They think I'm such a flake. They want to go to bed, I want to stay up late, walking the streets alone, thinking of you 'til dawn. I make the same mistakes

I heard this for the first time on the HBO show Girls (it has the BEST music). It's simple, to the point, and so incredibly real. We all make mistakes, but it seems there are some that I refuse to learn from, no matter how much I say I have or want to. I'd like to think that other 20 somethings trying to find their place in the universe do the same. 

So, those are the newest additions to my "Current Loves" playlist on iTunes. I'm always looking for new music, so if you think there's something you're listening to that I'd like, please share!

If we're still alive, then my regrets are few. If my life is mine, what shouldn't I do?

Taking Back Sunday Sunday

I never made a scene (well, they came to me).

It's that time again, kids! My trek to work these past few weeks has given me ample time for listening to music, and due to that, I've recently listened to Where You Want to Be from start to finish. I've never listened to one of their albums (minus New Again--yikes) in its entirety and thought, "well that was a let down." It's quite the opposite; I tend to fall in love with them all over again. 

Set Phasers to Stun

We paint our sins on the ceiling, I keep them glued to my chest. It keeps me close like a promise kept

I remember getting this CD back in high school, and I could not get enough of it. I listened to it over and over and over. As a result, the lyrics are ingrained in me. I couldn't forget them if I wanted to, (and  I don't). I guarantee I'll be the 90 year old lady trying to mic swing like Adam from my wheelchair, belting out these songs that helped get me through high school, (I envision being in trouble a lot in this home). I've already posted about them changing my life. That was a for real thing.

Bonus Mosh Pt. 2

(It's love, it's love) I wanted you for nothing more, (make it hurt; I deserve it), than hating you for what you were

There is something about that line that brings a Grinch-style smirk to my lips. 

A Decade Under the Influence

Anyone will do tonight, anyone will do tonight. Close your eyes, just settle, settle

I waited for what seemed like years for that music video to premier, and remember this is "back in the day" when I had no idea how to pirate anything, and I had to actually wait for these things to hear anything new from my favorite bands. 

This Photograph is Proof (I Know You Know)

So we're talking forever, and you almost feel better, but better's no excuse for tonight. You see it's never bad enough to just leave or give up, but it's never good enough to feel right.

New American Classic

See the months they don't matter, it's the days I can't take, when the hours move to minutes and I'm seconds away. 

Such a tragically beautiful song. To my sheer delight, my brother would sometimes play it on his guitar,and I've always imagined walking down the aisle, (if ever), to an instrumental version of it, (SN: Vitamin String Quartet's cover of TBS is phenomenal). 

I Am Fred Astaire

Well, I flipped every switch that I could find on my way out just to upset you more (just to keep you busy), just to make you angry, (just because you were right).

One-Eighty by Summer

Go on just say it; you need me like a bad habit, one that leaves you defenseless, dependent and alone

For a long time, those words were part of the running theme song of my dating life. It seems silly now, but then, I would sing scream them at the top of my lungs, (because if you do that, the person you're screaming them at will hear you and finally understand their idiocy...pause not). Oh, who am I kidding? I still do this. 

Number Five with a Bullet

It's a long way back south, to where I belong. Well, you've been there once or twice and you still don't like it. I say you just never gave it a chance, (give me a chance, give me a chance).

Little Devotional

I calm the crowd by keeping quiet, move like a shadow up to your mattress. Gentlemen don't ask questions. We could pay attention

I could never truly pick a favorite from this album, but I know that I was constantly going back and forth between this song and the next for such a title. 

...Slowdance on the Inside

Well, cross my heart and hope to...I'm lying just to keep you here

This glass house is burning down. You light the match; I'll stick around

There are so many good lines in that song that I might as well have posted the whole thing. If you've never heard it, you should treat yourself and change that tonight. In fact, you should really just give them all a listen. 

So, at some point a song called Follow the Format was released, and I don't know exactly which album it belongs to, but most references point to Where You Want to Be. Either way, I didn't hear until right before Louder Now came out, but it's my absolute favorite Taking Back Sunday song, without a doubt. 

Make a big scene. Make this glass house my coffin. You missed the big picture, well it's the words that you're coughing out on your sleeve, so forge my sins here in song. I'm telling you now what you've known all along. And it's tired, so true, more subtle than you. There's a lull in the stereo; it's calling for you, (calling for you).

It's not a lie if you believe it; it's no mistake if it's always repeated

That's it. I've decided that I'm relistening to this CD when I run my errands tomorrow. I honestly don't think I could ever get tired of them, especially as each album is so different from the others, but all are equally as good (to me). As always, it depends on my mood, and just how nostalgic I'm feeling as to which album I'm going to focus my energies on. Where You Want to Be and Tell All Your Friends pretty much dictated my life from 2002-2006 (high school), whereas Louder Now trickled over in to college. New Again  actually never happened in my mind, and Taking Back Sunday is still currently being attached to new memories and people, though it does have some faint hints of last summer. 

Well, that's it for this episode of Taking Back Sunday Sunday. 

Tonight won't make a difference

hummingbird heartbeat

Okay, so I promise I am going to get better at updating, because I know how much you're dying to read this blog bored you are at work.

I've been trying to catch up on all of these summer movies that have come out, but every weekend four more that I want to see premier. Thus far, I've seen Magic Mike, (overrated and a little boring), Moonrise Kingdom, (best Wes Anderson film to date), and Katy Perry: Part of Me. Yeah, yeah, chuckle all you want, but I left that movie with a smile stretched all the way across my face, and have subsequently been listening to Ms. Perry nonstop.

I know that I blog about a lot of bands that aren't the most "mainstream," but I can appreciate good pop music just like the rest of middle America, and Katy Perry is fantastic pop music. Are her lyrics comparable to that of Bright Eyes in terms of poetry and irony and blah, blah, blah? No, but they are real, and they are something so many girls (women?) my age can relate to: giddiness of new love,  memories of old ones, the disintegration of relationships, and then not letting anything break her. It's every emotion I've ever felt. With every song, I can find a situation in my life to which it applies. And I can dance to them in my living room alone for hours. That's what I like to call a win, win, win.

Here are some favorites (sans real life examples):

Lost: Is there a light at the end of the road? I'm pushing everyone away, 'cause I can't feel this anymore.


Not Like the Movies: 'Cause I know you're out there, and you're, you're looking for me, oooh. It's a crazy idea that you were made perfectly for me; you'll see.


Thinking of You: He kissed my lips; I taste your mouth. He pulled me in; I was disgusted with myself.


I'm Still Breathing: So, as I write this letter and shed my last tear, it's all for the better that we end this here. Let's close this chapter, say one last prayer, but don't say that you loved me.

Part of Me: You ripped me off, your love was cheap, was always tearing at the seams. I fell deep, you let me down, but that was then and this is now.

Hummingbird Heartbeat: I see the sun rise in your eyes, your eyes. We've got a future full of blue skies, blue skies.


Wide Awake: I am born again, out of the lion's den, don't need to pretend. And it's too late; this story's over now: the end.


The movie is full of fun performances and adorable fan meet and greets, but also shows the toll that touring for a year had on Katy, most notably her marriage. I nearly broke down in tears at one point. It was so real, her heartbreak, and so familiar. I just wanted to give her a hug and tell her it would all be okay. This would be wasted because she already knows this. And that's why I loved the movie. She continues to have fun and live her life on her terms for her dreams. She has her sad moments, then takes them and learns from them and MOVES ON. It's pretty amazing. If I had to pick one adjective to describe this movie going experience, it would be uplifting.

I will own this movie, and if I have ever have a really bad day, I am going to pop it in, dance around my living room, and turn that day around.



You don't have to feel like a wasted space. You're original, cannot be replaced. If you only knew what the future holds: after a hurricane comes a rainbow.






boom, boom, boom, even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

vasoline, magazines, and tangerines

I got to be a part of history Wednesday night. If you are not aware, yesterday in the late afternoon, the Flaming Lips broke Jay-Z's previous world record for most shows played in multiple cities in 24 hours. They started in Memphis, then headed to Clarksdale, Oxford, Jackson, Hattiesburg, Biloxi, Baton Rouge, and finally New Orleans.

I have only really heard one negative review of this mini-concert marathon, so I'm going to deem it successful (as if I hold any authoritative power in the matter). I tried to watch as much of the live stream on MTV as I could, but things like work and sleep and the like got in the way. I'm sure a DVD will be made, so I'll just catch it all then. What I can deduce from reviews, quips, and streaming is that besides Nola and some kickass fireworks, Memphis really got the best show, mostly because we got two shows. 

I'd seen them perform at BSMF 11, though I missed roughly half of their show because 1) The Grizzlies beat the Spurs to win the series at the same time 2) I mistakingly thought Jason Mraz was going to be entertaining. I had heard of the Flaming Lips and their theatrics before, but was apathetic about them performing, and even more, me missing said performance. When I finally caught the second half of the show, I was in complete awe. Not only did they have so many aesthetics, but they sounded great too. I spent much of that first performance entranced, not believing what I was seeing. 

So, now on Wednesday, I was prepared and past the point of ready to see them live again. I don't purposefully listen to their music at home or in the car or what have you. Don't get me wrong; it's good, but for some reason, I just don't. It's the live aspect that enthralls me. It's so unlike anything I've ever experienced in a concert or show. I just smiled the entire time, (and not the cheesy, obsessed with celebrities smile, but the so content with life and everything is perfect in the world smile), and turns out I was not alone in this. Someone next to me turned and said, "Look at the smiles on every single person's face. What other band can do that? The closest I've ever been to being this happy was when I was on opium one time in college." Over-sharing aside, the boy had a point. Every confetti-covered person was smiling. 

With all your power, what would you do?

We're the enforcers, the sorcerer's orphans, and we know why we fight

They rescued everyone, they lifted up the sun

Look outside, I know that you'll recognize it's summertime

We can't hear them singing, but we can hear it as it flies

Smiles all around

Spoils of war.

It was one of those rare moments where I was fully aware of how amazing this world is, that people and music are still of sound quality. Wayne Coyne is beyond words in the best of ways. He was so kind, sincere, grateful, humble. He was thanking us for being there and supporting them, apologizing that the second set would be short and they'd have to flee quickly. He never had to thank me. It was my pleasure; I wanted to thank him. I hate the idea that other cities may not have gotten to experience the same show. Maybe I'm not critical enough, maybe I'm not a true "fan," but when music moves within in you and not outside of you, that's a beautiful thing, and I just can't find any negativity in that. 

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know you realize that life goes fast. It's hard to make the good things last. You realize the sun doesn't go down; it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning 'round.

baby don't chop me up

I keep dancing on my own.

So, between this studying nonsense, I've managed to agree to run 1/5th of the St. Jude Marathon this coming December as part of relay team. This means that the time to get serious about running again has really already passed, but no matter, I am determined to do it anyway. 

Every run, every mile is a step closer, but sometimes, (especially with this excessive, muggy heat), I don't want to keep going. Know what keeps me going? All together, y'all:  "MUSIC!"

I try to change the playlist weekly, and here's an example of this week's jams:

The Alphabeat--David Guetta 

Hello--Karmin

Teeth--Lady GaGa

Get Over It--Ok Go

LeDisko--Shiny Toy Guns

So what's it going to take silver shadow believer? Spock rocker with your dirty eyes...

The Magnifying Glass--The Joy Formidable 

Laserlight--Jessie J

Go Right Ahead--The Hives

My Body--Young the Giant 

Chop Me Up--Justin Timberlake feat. Timbaland & Three 6 Mafia 

Beekeeper's Daughter--All American Rejects

I still got you waitin.' Look out your window. What do you see? You don't see me

Dancing On My Own--Robyn

Run the Heart--Sleigh Bells

You take a heart, I can take out two. You take a heart, I can take out you.

She's Long Gone--The Black Keys

Slight Work--Wale feat. Big Sean

Two things I don't need are you and my ID.

What do you run/work out to? Any suggestions??

surprise, surprise

I want to fall back in to all we used to represent; wash my filthy hands; wash my filthy hands.

Sorry for the temporary and unannounced hiatus, my few lovely followers; I recently relocated and started studying for my boards. I told myself that I wasn't going to write again until after the testing was over, but here I am. I swear I have done more growing up and maturing in the last three weeks than I've done in the past three years. 

I have my own place. I do things by myself. I am not lonely. I am happy. I AM HAPPY. 

Did you read that? It doesn't even matter that certain things I was involved in fell apart (as is customary). I'm seriously un-phased. I'm a little confused, maybe a bit irritated, but I'm not crying. I'm not upset. I'm perfectly fine, and if you know me at all, this is a big deal. 

At first I thought I did care, so as always, I went to my standby playlist of songs to cope with the pseudo-tragedies of my young life. And generally when this happens, I get very emotional, (think Lifetime movie), but as I went through the songs, I just laughed. I didn't listen to a single song in its entirety. I'll give you some examples:

Heart on Sleeve Playlist:

No Light, No Light (Florence + Machine)

You are the hole in my head; you are the space in my bed. You are the silence in between what I thought and what I said. 

And I'd do anything to make you stay. Tell me what you want me to say.

This Modern Love (Bloc Party)

This modern love breaks me. This modern love wastes me.

Polaris (Jimmy Eat World)

They say that love goes anywhere; in your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there. When you go, I'll let you be, but you're killing everything in me. 

Early Winter (Gwen Stefani)

You, you know how how to get me so low. My heart gave a crash when we spoke. I can't fix what you broke....and I always was, always was one for crying. I always was one for tears.

But that was then, and this is now

Gives You Hell (All-American Rejects) 

Truth be told I miss you, and truth be told I'm lying

When you hear this song, and you sing along but you never tell, then you're just a fool; I'm just as well. Hope it gives you hell. 

Let it Happen (Jimmy Eat World)

I can hear you now. Talk, talking a lot, but it's still talk; gotta love how it's somehow all on me. And all the petty scenes and all the pretty things, say whatever you want 'cause I can laugh it off (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha)

Wide Awake (Katy Perry)

I'm wide awake, not losing any sleep. I picked up every piece and landed on my feet. I'm wide awake; need nothing to complete myself, no.

Untitled 7 (Brand New)

Can't hold on to the thrill, so I hope you find your will to follow through. What we invented, I am now  ending. Hold on to who you love. We are dry and blown like dust since we were young. What we invented, I am now ending.

I have to tell you, it feels so liberating to be rid of that sadness, that heaviness in my heart. I want to reiterate that I am not angry or bitter: I'm simply finished with that chapter, (the one you keep reading, telling yourself you'll go to bed once you reach the end, but there's always another page). I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned and the character-shaping I've been privy to, but good grief, I'm exhausted.  

Even on a cloudy day, I keep my eyes fixed on the sun