unconditionally

I only have two(ish) hours left before I'm 26, so I thought I'd use some of that time to recap the year that was twenty five. 

If you knew me at all a year ago, you know that I was in a terrible place this time last year. I was a shell of myself; I had let all of my dark overtake my light, and it felt like I'd never really be whole again. I was still running from everything in my past, and I was someone I didn't know. Or like. 

I moped around for months, gave up on fighting off my demons, and basically blamed the world for making me feel that way. Then I pulled a Katy Perry and decided that enough was enough:

I picked myself back up. I put one foot in front of the other, and I looked in the mirror, and decided to stay. 

Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way.

I started weeding out the negative people in my life, the people that somehow actually made me feel worse about myself. I used the time and energy I was wasting on those people to develop and grow the friendships that truly mattered. Once I sucked all the poison out of my life, my light came back. And then everything fell into place again. 

I want to have friends, that I can trust, that love me for the man that I am, and not the man that I was.

The latter part of my year was filled with self improvement physically. I ran a half marathon two weeks ago. This girl that couldn't run two miles six months ago, ran all 13.1 and actually finished in a decent time. I did something I've never done before: I did something for me and only me. And I felt something I haven't felt since graduating: pride in myself. And not just for completing the half, but for making that change. And I couldn't have done it without my friends and family. 

What do I do when my love is away? Does it worry you to be alone? How do I feel by the end of the day?Are you sad because you're on your own? No, I get by with a little help from my friends. 

This past weekend, I had the BEST birthday celebration of my life. I have never been more humbled, gracious, and happy. I was looking around at brunch, at the faces that traveled to see me, that dedicated their whole weekend to my sassy, demanding self, and I was overwhelmed. My 25th birthday was one of my darkest, and here I was, just 365 days later, and my 26th was turning out to be my brightest. And when my family showed up to my party that night, and I was surrounded by my friends and family, I realized how truly lucky I am. Some days I don't deserve it. I am demanding and bossy and loud and most of the time, I am a pain in the ass. But these people who spent the weekend with me don't care; they love me anyway.

"Opening your heart and being courageous and telling people that you care about them or like them or that you think they're special only makes you a better, bigger, kinder, softer, more loving person, and it only attracts more love into your life."

     -Amy Poehler

Loving my friends and family makes me a better version of myself, someone I'm proud of, someone I really like. I know I say "love you" a lot, and maybe it seems strange, but I don't care. I want the people I care about the most to know it. I have so much love to give, and I don't love anything with half of my heart. And now that I have picked the right people to pour that love into, I, in turn, have never felt so loved. 

If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected. Decide what to be and go be it. 

So, to this group of people that has shown me that I am enough, that I have light inside of me, that I am worthy of love, thank you. Thank you for not only this weekend, but for bringing me back. Thank you for accepting me without condition. 

Thank you for everything. 

Come just as you are to me. Don't need apologies. Know that you are worthy. I'll take your bad days with your good. Walk through the storm I would. I do it all because I love you. 

the stars, they whisper blessings as you walk by

The holidays are in full swing, kids. I've been going and going and going. And I'm exhausted.

So, in the past few weeks, I have developed a profound love for Passenger (Michael David Rosenberg), and honestly, how have I not heard of this guy before? His Flight of the Crow album is my current obsession.

You're just a photo in a drawer, but photographs are not much more than ghosts we can't forget. 

You're just a red rag to a bull. You're just a false hope for a fool, but it's as close as I can get. 

This came out three years ago! I feel like I've missed out on some serious reflection while driving without these songs in my life.

There's a kiss for every tear that rolls down your cheek, and words I shouldn't hear and words you shouldn't speak.

It's kind of like listening to John Mayer, but British. And better. So much better. Yeah, maybe John Mayer was a bad comparison.

Staring at the bottom of your glass, hoping one day you'll make a dream last, but dreams come slow and they go so fast. 

I wonder if my infatuation would be as strong if it were summertime. Something about the cold weather and the holidays makes me crave music that feels like winter, and he feels like winter to me.

I have no clever comment to bridge to the next band I want to talk about in this post, so I'll just say that I'm also currently in love with Trampled by Turtles (again). I don't know how or why I ever managed to walk away from them as cold turkey as I did, but I've found my way back to them, and that's all that matters.

If you haven't heard the song 'Midnight on the Interstate,' I suggest you make that a priority.

Late night, midnight on the interstate, and I didn't feel so great, until I saw the city.

More and more I hesitate, 'cause I don't know.

Mostly sober, sometimes I change my mind. And I don't have the time, no, we never do. 

When I hear that first part, I always imagine coming into Memphis from Madison, the way the skyline opens up, and how all the weight on my shoulders feels so much lighter, even if it's only for ten seconds. Sometimes I take that way home, (though it's longer), just to make myself smile on a rotten day.

But anyway, their cover of 'Where is My Mind' is actually fantastic as well. I basically listened to their Spotify page for 4 hours the other day. Each song was just as good as the next, and I couldn't make myself turn it to something else.

Come into the world alone, and you go out of the world alone. But in between, it's you and me. 

And the song that started it all for me:

And your heart rolls on like a frozen freight train. You know that I'll help you if I can. But I'm just a raindrop in a river, just a little itty-bitty grain of sand.

So, to recap, this is not new music, but it's still worth a listen if you've been as in the dark about each, as I have. Don't let any more time pass without this music in your life! The bottom line is that both Passenger and Trampled by Turtles have the same underlying theme:

Love and love and nothing else, It's all I need. 

elevate it in a song

All you need is love, love, love

Despite working Friday and Sunday, it was a good weekend. I was fortunate enough to see some wonderful people I hadn't seen in a very long time, and I got to see an amazing couple get married. I couldn't help but let myself start to feel a tiny optimistic watching them exchange vows and seeing their first dance. They are so in love with each other. They are so grateful for one another. It gave me hope.

Love is all you need

On a less romantic comedy esque note, I've been trying to be more productive on my days off. I made all of my meals on Thursday (this is HUGE for me), and I've been getting back in to a regular work out routine. I used to dread the idea of working out, but now I look forward to it. And I'm not running 8 miles a day or dominating CrossFit, but I'm bettering my mind and body, clearing my head if only for an hour a day.

While out on a long walk by the river, the sun was setting, creating the most breathtaking sky I've seen in quite a while, and I felt peace for a few, brief moments. And for those few moments, I actually believed the mantra I've been feeding myself for the past months; that it's all going to be okay. I may still be sad and lost and unsure, but it's going to be okay. It's rough right now, but it's going to get better.

But if my word is to be true, life is something to behold. But if the truth is to be told, let us not leave out any part. Do not fear; it's safe to say it here. You will not be weakling, nor a fraud, for feeling the pain of the whole wide world. 

A friend and I played around with the idea of training for a half marathon taking place this February, and I've never really seriously considered such nonsense, but the more we talked about it, the more excited I became. I have been researching training programs and reading personal testimonies from first timers. I even made the mistake of getting on runDisney, and my heart nearly exploded in excitement. And it's genuine, for the first time ever. I expressed this to my friend and she said something that made sense, "Of course. It will be our distraction from everything else in life that we can't control."

Life feels hard right now, and the simplicity of running (the actual foot in front of the other part), is exactly what I need. These are plans that I can make, and the only one who can break them is me. The only one that can disappoint me is me. And I'm not going to let me down.

You want to help, but can't help the feeling you cannot. And it's killing you while you're just trying to smile from your heart. So go on, say it, on the same knees you're praying. Yes, life is hard.

And it's going to be okay.

It's getting lost and getting found, to growing up and getting 'round. It's feeling silence, feeling sound. It's feeling lonely, feeling full. It's feeling oh, so beautiful...