i won't leave intentionally

Long time, no post. But in my defense, my life has been a busy, albeit glorious whirlwind of late. I'm doing so much I never though I would do, seeing places I've always wanted to see, and spending a lot of quality time with my music collection.

I was going to dedicate this post to bragging all about my wonderful time at Hangout Fest, but if you follow me on any social media, I have sufficiently, (and obnoxiously), done that. And I really wish that I was sorry about it. Instead, I am going to try to dedicate one post a week to a band/artist I will be seeing at Lollapalooza in August. 

So, for post number one, let's talk about Manchester Orchestra, and more specifically, their newest musical venture: Cope. 

First of all, I loved it instantly. By the time I got to The Ocean, I knew that this was going to be my favorite album of theirs, and every time I listen to it, I am even more convinced of this. 

Choose You: 

The invention of the ship was the invention of the shipwreck. I tried to find out who I was by jumping off the deck. 

With all things that are created, in turn, comes the ability of said things to be destroyed or harmed. With all "good" things comes the equally "bad" counterpart. The emotional capacity that allows us to love, also allows us to hate. It's a choice that we make every day.

So, with your choices, are you choosing to create something or destroy it? 

And I don't, I won't, I don't choose you...

Or can you do both at the same time? 

Girl Harbor: 

There is a name for men like you inside the dark, and I know your faults. I know the way you write them off. I don't want anything to do with it no more.

Think of a time when you've cared for someone with a flaw or two. That should be everyone you care about. Often those people return that affection despite your own flaws. The people that we can't quite get to are those that pretend they have none, or at least can't admit them to someone intimately, (out of a fear of weakness, no less). I know I have been guilty of this in the past, and it cost me. 

The Ocean

I hope you don't choke on that last passive word that you keep in your throat.

Sticks and stones, love.

All That I Really Wanted

Nobody thinks you're actually right. It feels like a battle; it's more like a fight. You always bark, you never bite. I don't believe it. 

Indentions

I think this may be my favorite song from Cope. It's very simple, but the lyrics hit me in the gut. 

What a nightmare it seemed, to honestly think anything. I won't leave indentions of me. 

I sometimes do this thing, where I slowly back away from people when I feel there is a chance I may get hurt. I remove myself slowly, so when I'm actually gone, I'll barely be remembered anyway. It's what I feel myself doing now. I travel constantly, and come fall, I have no idea where my future is headed, and I'm very aware that I'm, (possibly subconsciously), trying to distance myself from people that I care about. It's stupid. 

It doesn't matter to me, I tell myself repeatedly.

Cope

Ahh, the raucous title track. I was talking with someone I met recently, and we were discussing how we fall in love with music. He is more concerned with the actual music, lyrics come later, but I tend to fall for lyrics first, then appreciate the actual music almost as an afterthought. But this song was different. I don't think the lyrics even registered with me the first two or three times I listened. 

But finally, I heard: 

If I do echo, I hope you never see, there is no one there that's waiting after me.

And I felt love again.  

have love. will travel.

As you know, music festival season is already in full swing, and I have somehow landed the coolest job ever, and I am able to go to almost any of them. So here's my current first world problem: how do I pick the best festivals with the least amount of overlap? And also, who is going with me?

Beale Street Music Festival (May 2-4)

So, a mediocre line up at best, but it's at home, and I have tons of people I can (and will) go with. It's also inexpensive as far as three-day festivals go. It's a for sure for me, though I will skip out on any day in a heartbeat if there's a home playoff game for the Grizz. 

Artist Highlights: Alabama Shakes, Foster the People, Pretty Lights, Snoop Dogg (Lion?), Juicy J (it's a Memphis thing), Grouplove, Third Eye Blind, Blues Traveler, Fitz and the Tantrums, Wolfmother

Hangout (May 16-18)

This is also a for sure for me. Of all the festival lineups, it's my favorite, because it has the most acts I want to see in one place. Downside to that is that I have many scheduling conflicts, (which can be remedied by going to multiple festivals with overlapping acts). Also, my brother and some of his friends are going, and they're a fun group to hang with, and we all have similar music tastes.

Artist Highlights: The Black Keys, MODEST FREAKING MOUSE, Outkast, Jack Johnson (It IS a beach afterall), Childish Gambino, Avett Brothers, Portugal. The Man, Bastille, Amos Lee, pretty much every other act on the list

NYC Governor's Ball (June 6-8)

This is where I'm trying to find a reason NOT to go. I can get there easily. I know of at least one person going, and potentially a few others. I know the layout and I really like it. My previous worry was that there would be too much overlap, but upon further dissection of the line up, I think I'm good. 

Artist Highlights: Outkast (again), JACK WHITE (!!!), Vampire Weekend, Broken Bells, Sleigh Bells, Childish Gambino (again, but I really don't care; I'll always go see him), Tyler the Creator, Skrillex, The Head and the Heart

Firefly (June 19-22)

So, really I'd rather skip Gov Ball and Lolla to go to this one. It combines the biggest acts I want to see from both, but it's in Dover, DE. So, um, if anyone wants to go to Delaware with me, please let me know, because as easily as I can make friends, I really don't want to go to a music festival solo. Also, this festival is four days, and it could cause a bit of a scheduling conflict. 

Artist Highlights: Foo Fighters, Outkast (good grief), Weezer, Arctic Monkeys, Childish, Cage the Elephant, RAC, Band of Horses, Young the Giant, Beck, Local Natives

Lollapalooza (August 1-3)

I love Chicago, and I've always wanted to go during Lollapalooza. It's also a pretty decent line-up, and I wouldn't be going alone. So, actually I've just decided to go while typing out the acts coming. I apparently only half read the list before. 

Artist Highlights: Kings of Leon, Outkast (FOR REAL), Calvin Harris, Arctic Monkeys, Lorde, Avett Brothers, Spoon, Childsh, Lykke Li, Chvrches, MANCHESTER ORCHESTRA, Iggy Azalea, Glen Hansard 

Okay, to recap, I just need help deciding between Gov Ball and Firefly, but really I think Gov Ball is the clear winner. What do you guys think? And where are you headed this summer? 

Red, white, blues in the skies. Summer's in the air, and baby heaven's in your eyes.

it feels like home to me

So, I have been traveling for work of late, and for the next 6 months, such will be my life. And while my bed is missed and giving up my apartment is going to be so bittersweet, I am beyond grateful for this amazing opportunity.

After the initial sadness of giving my notice to leave the first "home" I've ever had on my own, I realized that home isn't necessarily a physical place, it's more of a feeling. It's a feeling of comfort and familiarity and love. 

And surprise, surprise, certain music feels like home to me. 

She makes the sound, the sound the sea makes to calm me down. 

I love ∆ (alt-j), a ridiculous amount. I sometimes find myself getting upset because they don't have enough songs, though even with the limited amount, I still can't come close to picking a favorite. Each one evokes an entirely different set of emotions than the one before, but only one feels like home. That song would be Dissolve Me.

Now dissolve me, two tabs on your tongue. A herd of shepherds to herd the sheep, sleep now my only one. 

The next song is one that I play every time there is a pretty day in Memphis, sunroof open, the sun shining, coming down Madison, ready to take on the city come nightfall. It's predictor of good things to come. It's Portugal. The Man's Modern Jesus.

Don't pray for us. We don't need no modern Jesus to roll with us. The only rule we need is never giving up. The only faith we have is faith in us. 

When I listen to this one, I tend to replay it two or three times before venturing to the next song. I seriously can't get enough of it. I imagine it makes me feel like home because of the aforementioned reason, but also because when I listen to it, I feel like I can seriously do anything. So in a sense, because I know who I am and what I'm not, it empowers me, and makes me feel at home, at peace.

We know that we're helpless, at least we always assume. But we don't need to prove nothing to you.

And then there is Ocean Breathes Salty. The actual lyrics don't really make me feel like home, but the music itself does. It also helps that Modest Mouse is my brother's favorite, and what is a better reminder of home than that?

And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old. Well, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I hope so.

Alright, last one.

Dumbed down and numbed by time and age. Your dreams the catch, the world the cage. The highway sets the traveler's stage. All exits look the same. 

Maybe this one is self-explanatory, but it still applies. The Avett Brothers have my heart, so anything they've ever done will feel like home, ('cause home is where the heart is...bah).

Brooklyn, Brooklyn take me in. Are you aware the shape I'm in? My hands they shake, my head it spins. Oh, Brooklyn, Brooklyn, take me in. 

While traveling is fantastic, it's as equally exhausting. When I'm on that last plane home, the feel of my own bed so close, but still out of reach, this is the song I gravitate towards. And it's perfect in general.

Though I have no lyrics to post, Explosions in the Sky may be the best example of music feeling like home to me. I can put them on, and my stress dissipates, I sleep better, and some of the ache of being homesick eases. I feel their music in my entire being, sending a warmth through me, a musical hug of sorts. And that's the best thing about being home: the hugs, and hugs are the easiest way to feel loved, to feel like you're home.

She makes the sound the sea makes knee deep in the North Sea.

every chorus was your name

Have you ever wanted a song written about you, (in a good way, of course)? If you said no, get out, you robot. I often wonder what it would be like to to be the object of affection of someone like Scott or Seth Avett or even better, Chris Carrabba. And while that is not a reality for almost all of us, I could settle for someone dedicating any of the following to me:

1. The Luckiest--Ben Folds

I don't get many things right the first time. In fact, I am told that a lot. Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls, brought me here. 

All the broken hearts, all the sadness, all the uncertainty, will be a distant memory. The universe works in such an amazing way. Every experience you've ever had and every choice you've ever made has brought you to this moment, and you're exactly where you need to be.  

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it."

-Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)

And where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face? Now I see it everyday, and I know that I am, I am, I am, the luckiest. 

2. First Day of My Life--Bright Eyes

Yours is the first face that I saw. I think I was blind before I met you. 

And so I thought I'd let you know, that these things take forever, and I especially am slow. But I realize that I need you, and I wondered if I could come home.

Oh Conor Oberst, you really know how to tug on the heartstrings. I think it's precious that the video is made up of different couples' reactions to the song. Every time I hear it, it's like the first time. It's just so beautiful. 

So if you want to be with me, with these things there's no telling, so we'll have to wait and see. But I'd rather be working for a paycheck than waiting to win the lottery.

3. Swept Away (Sentimental Version)--The Avett Brothers

Well you send my life a whirling, darling when you're twirling on the floor. Who cares about tomorrow? What more is tomorrow, than another day? When you swept me away. 

This is one of my favorite Avett songs, and sadly, I have never seen them play this live. Maybe I'll get lucky and they'll play it in May when I see them at Hangout. This is the slower, simpler version of the song, definitely my preference. Plus Bonnie sings my favorite verse in the sentimental version:

Well, life is ever-changing, but I will always find a constant and comfort in your love. With your heart, my soul is bound, and as we dance, I know that heaven can be found. 


4. Sons and Daughters--Allman Brown & Liz Lawrence

And I will hold you tight, like the moon in the arms of the sky, and I, will keep you warm. I will build a fire in this house. And I'll build a fire, you fetch the water and I'll lay the table. And in our hearts, we still pray for sons and daughters

And I, I'll wrap myself around your heart. I'll be the walls of his heart. And I, I'll keep a light on, to call you back home. 

This was on an episode of a show I don't even watch, but after one listen, I was hooked. I have been obsessing over it since then. I love a good duet, and their voices just compliment one other so hauntingly well. I read that the song grew out of the first lyric (Liz wrote it, by the way). When I hear it, it makes me think of finding home in another a person, knowing that you're on your way to building a life together, a family together, but still taking your time and not rushing anything.

And it's all to come. For now we're still young, just building our kingdom. But it's all to come.

5. All of Me--John Legend

How many times do I have to tell you, even when you're crying, you're beautiful too? The world is beating you down. I'm around through every mood. You're my downfall; you're my muse, my worst distraction, my rhythm and blues. I can't stop singing, it's ringing, in my head for you.

If you haven't heard this song, you're obviously living under a rock. John Legend has been performing this on pretty much everything lately, and he can continue to do so. I can't get tired of it. This may be the most beautiful love song ever written. It's so real. The person you love should drive you insane and you should do the same, (to a reasonable extent), because if it's boring and easy and never challenging, how can you ever grow as a couple? Or as individuals? They should also bring out the best in you at the same time. It's a tricky, scary, exhausting thing, love. 

Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts, risking it all, though it's hard.

You're killing me John! I think it expresses exactly what we, or at least I, want from love. I think love should be selfless, and you should give yourself to that person, let down your defenses and love them even though it won't always be easy. Love isn't perfect, because we as human beings aren't perfect. My favorite things about people are often what are considered imperfections: scars, freckles, lines, cowlicks. It makes them unique, and a reminder that there is no such thing as perfection, that we're all a work in progress. We're all just waiting for that unconditional love; that person that knows all of our secrets and demons and loves us, not in spite of them, but because they are part of what makes us who we are, who they love.

'Cause all of me love, loves all of you. Love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections. Give your all to me; I'll give my all to you. You're my end and my beginning, even when I lose I'm winning.

I think I've only ever loved two people this way, and I don't think it'll ever be reciprocated with them. But that's okay, because I know one day it will, just with someone else. Then whenever I hear any of these songs, they'll be the only person that comes to mind.

'Cause I give you all of me, and you give me all of you. 

unconditionally

I only have two(ish) hours left before I'm 26, so I thought I'd use some of that time to recap the year that was twenty five. 

If you knew me at all a year ago, you know that I was in a terrible place this time last year. I was a shell of myself; I had let all of my dark overtake my light, and it felt like I'd never really be whole again. I was still running from everything in my past, and I was someone I didn't know. Or like. 

I moped around for months, gave up on fighting off my demons, and basically blamed the world for making me feel that way. Then I pulled a Katy Perry and decided that enough was enough:

I picked myself back up. I put one foot in front of the other, and I looked in the mirror, and decided to stay. 

Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way.

I started weeding out the negative people in my life, the people that somehow actually made me feel worse about myself. I used the time and energy I was wasting on those people to develop and grow the friendships that truly mattered. Once I sucked all the poison out of my life, my light came back. And then everything fell into place again. 

I want to have friends, that I can trust, that love me for the man that I am, and not the man that I was.

The latter part of my year was filled with self improvement physically. I ran a half marathon two weeks ago. This girl that couldn't run two miles six months ago, ran all 13.1 and actually finished in a decent time. I did something I've never done before: I did something for me and only me. And I felt something I haven't felt since graduating: pride in myself. And not just for completing the half, but for making that change. And I couldn't have done it without my friends and family. 

What do I do when my love is away? Does it worry you to be alone? How do I feel by the end of the day?Are you sad because you're on your own? No, I get by with a little help from my friends. 

This past weekend, I had the BEST birthday celebration of my life. I have never been more humbled, gracious, and happy. I was looking around at brunch, at the faces that traveled to see me, that dedicated their whole weekend to my sassy, demanding self, and I was overwhelmed. My 25th birthday was one of my darkest, and here I was, just 365 days later, and my 26th was turning out to be my brightest. And when my family showed up to my party that night, and I was surrounded by my friends and family, I realized how truly lucky I am. Some days I don't deserve it. I am demanding and bossy and loud and most of the time, I am a pain in the ass. But these people who spent the weekend with me don't care; they love me anyway.

"Opening your heart and being courageous and telling people that you care about them or like them or that you think they're special only makes you a better, bigger, kinder, softer, more loving person, and it only attracts more love into your life."

     -Amy Poehler

Loving my friends and family makes me a better version of myself, someone I'm proud of, someone I really like. I know I say "love you" a lot, and maybe it seems strange, but I don't care. I want the people I care about the most to know it. I have so much love to give, and I don't love anything with half of my heart. And now that I have picked the right people to pour that love into, I, in turn, have never felt so loved. 

If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected. Decide what to be and go be it. 

So, to this group of people that has shown me that I am enough, that I have light inside of me, that I am worthy of love, thank you. Thank you for not only this weekend, but for bringing me back. Thank you for accepting me without condition. 

Thank you for everything. 

Come just as you are to me. Don't need apologies. Know that you are worthy. I'll take your bad days with your good. Walk through the storm I would. I do it all because I love you. 

the stars, they whisper blessings as you walk by

The holidays are in full swing, kids. I've been going and going and going. And I'm exhausted.

So, in the past few weeks, I have developed a profound love for Passenger (Michael David Rosenberg), and honestly, how have I not heard of this guy before? His Flight of the Crow album is my current obsession.

You're just a photo in a drawer, but photographs are not much more than ghosts we can't forget. 

You're just a red rag to a bull. You're just a false hope for a fool, but it's as close as I can get. 

This came out three years ago! I feel like I've missed out on some serious reflection while driving without these songs in my life.

There's a kiss for every tear that rolls down your cheek, and words I shouldn't hear and words you shouldn't speak.

It's kind of like listening to John Mayer, but British. And better. So much better. Yeah, maybe John Mayer was a bad comparison.

Staring at the bottom of your glass, hoping one day you'll make a dream last, but dreams come slow and they go so fast. 

I wonder if my infatuation would be as strong if it were summertime. Something about the cold weather and the holidays makes me crave music that feels like winter, and he feels like winter to me.

I have no clever comment to bridge to the next band I want to talk about in this post, so I'll just say that I'm also currently in love with Trampled by Turtles (again). I don't know how or why I ever managed to walk away from them as cold turkey as I did, but I've found my way back to them, and that's all that matters.

If you haven't heard the song 'Midnight on the Interstate,' I suggest you make that a priority.

Late night, midnight on the interstate, and I didn't feel so great, until I saw the city.

More and more I hesitate, 'cause I don't know.

Mostly sober, sometimes I change my mind. And I don't have the time, no, we never do. 

When I hear that first part, I always imagine coming into Memphis from Madison, the way the skyline opens up, and how all the weight on my shoulders feels so much lighter, even if it's only for ten seconds. Sometimes I take that way home, (though it's longer), just to make myself smile on a rotten day.

But anyway, their cover of 'Where is My Mind' is actually fantastic as well. I basically listened to their Spotify page for 4 hours the other day. Each song was just as good as the next, and I couldn't make myself turn it to something else.

Come into the world alone, and you go out of the world alone. But in between, it's you and me. 

And the song that started it all for me:

And your heart rolls on like a frozen freight train. You know that I'll help you if I can. But I'm just a raindrop in a river, just a little itty-bitty grain of sand.

So, to recap, this is not new music, but it's still worth a listen if you've been as in the dark about each, as I have. Don't let any more time pass without this music in your life! The bottom line is that both Passenger and Trampled by Turtles have the same underlying theme:

Love and love and nothing else, It's all I need. 

i know i am enough

What a difference six weeks can make. 

About to finish week 8 of 20 of the half marathon training, and it's all starting to feel very real. I even went on a group run on Monday night. And today, I cleaned out both of my closets, (yes, I have two. I spoil myself to the point that it's almost disgusting). Simplifying, to some degree, in every aspect of my life has made a world of difference. I'm starting to feel like myself again, regaining the confidence that has been absent for so long.

I feel like I'm dreaming again. I feel like I'm seeing again. I feel like I'm breathing again. 

I've got it under control. 

I feel like I'm finally fighting those demons, even if it is just one at a time. And so much weight has lifted off of my shoulders, clearing my mind, allowing me to see all of the endless possibilities waiting for me. 

People don't need SSRIs; they need to run. 

But now, I don't negotiate with insecurities, they always seem to get the best of me. 

Insecurities are so ugly. I used to be a regular offender in this category, but I don't have any time for that anymore. I am invincible. I am strong. I am free. 

No more second guessing, no, there's no more questioning. I'll be the one defining who I'm going to be. 

Exactly this. No one else should be able to determine my worth; that's up to me. And I'll let you in on a little secret: I am enough. You don't agree with me? Doesn't matter. I've spent so much of my life allowing other people to control my happiness, (or lack thereof), but I'm done with that. I'm in control.

No more standing in my own way