tears and rain

Bittersweet memories, that is all I'm taking with me...

I was in the shower, listening to Left and Leaving by The Weakerthans, when all of the air in my lungs decided to disappear. I was having an anxiety or panic attack, what have you, (something I haven't experienced since my sophomore year of college when physics didn't make any sense to me).

One minute I was shampooing my hair, the next I was gasping for air.

Then I was sobbing uncontrollably. Why you may ask? Guilt. Overwhelming and paralyzing guilt.

Wait for the year to drown, spring forward and fall back down. I'm trying not to wonder where you are.

Those words played over the speakers and I couldn't breathe anymore. My choices fully caught up with me in that moment and I felt sorry, so incredibly sorry. And awful. And wretched. And I felt all the pain that I must have caused you. And it swallowed me and I just collapsed in a breathless heap of shame.

And I'm still driving away, and I'm sorry everyday.

I was cold. I was terrified. I was selfish

It wasn't intended. It wasn't easy. It wasn't fair.

And I am so very sorry. You were the last person to deserve what I did. There are so many things I wish I'd done differently. I shouldn't have shut you out. I shouldn't have let it get as far as it did. But as I established in my previous post, I'm a coward, not half as strong as I'm always pretending to be. You already knew that didn't you? You were singing that lyric to me that day, weren't you?

If you're as tough as your defenses, then let them fall.

I'm not tough, and I'm not strong. I miss you everyday, but I still stand by my decision. Just know that when I think about everything I put you through, the sadness cripples me. I wish I could have made it hurt less or not at all, but I can't change the past. I punish myself for it daily, and the only thing I can say is 'I'm sorry.' And I am, times a thousand, times a million.

'Cause you're afraid to find out all the hope you had sent into the sky by now had crashed, and it did, because of me.

I hate the person I was and somedays I still I am, this monster I feel like I've become.  And I hope you find someone worthy of your love, which I was not. I wish you all of the happiness in the world, even if some days, it costs me my own.

I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this, like every inch of me is bruised

all these things that i have done

I thought this past weekend would give me a much needed vacation from my life in Memphis. I have barely left the city and surrounding area since May, so I thought even a quick jaunt to Jackson and Oxford could provide a small break in the monotony.

I loaded up my iPod with a nice mix of old and new to keep me company. As always, every single song took me to another time, another memory, another heartbreak, another smile. I had 6 hours of Melanie and music time to try and work through them all and clear my head of all the things that are weighing me down and here I am, more confused than ever.

I still don't know what it is that I want. I'm still so lost.

I know that starting over is not what life's about, but my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.

I want to rebuild, move away, start over, to escape all of the things that haunt me here. I can't seem to shake these demons. I go through spurts where I think I've overpowered them, but they always catch up and I'm getting so tired of fighting them off.

Just because I'm hurting, doesn't mean I'm hurt, doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved, no better, no worse

And I act like I am so innocent, but I'm not. I've made my fair share of mistakes and hurt the people I love the most, so I maybe it's karma. But when is it enough? I don't want to be confined to the prison I've built for myself anymore. I'm tired of feeling guilty. The universe forgets that it broke me a long time ago, and I'm still picking up pieces.

No, no, that's me blaming someone else for my transgressions and though there might be a little truth to it, it's cowardly, and I don't want to be a coward. Not anymore.

If you can hold on, hold on

So, I've got to stop running. Running from high school to college to work to possibly a new city, without taking a second to really deal with my pain.

The weight of lies will bring you down, and follow you to every town, 'cause nothing that happens here doesn't happen there. 

A new life doesn't erase the old one. A new city doesn't change the things happened here. I need to fix me and this hurt I'm dragging around before I can really start to change my future. If I don't, I can keep running, but it'll always catch up to me and take me to this dark place where I am now. I don't want to be a sad little girl anymore. I  want to fight for real this time, get this anvil off of my chest and heart. I want to be able to keep them at bay (some things can never be fully eradicated--they will always be a part of you). I want to be able to have the life and love I've always wanted, but never really believed I deserved.

I just don't know how.

So when you run, make sure you run to something and not away, because lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you down.

and i let go, so dishonestly

Choose your last words; this is the last time...

I had a completely different post planned for tonight, but I'm not quite ready to share that one with the world. I shared it with the one person that needed to read it the most, so for now, that is enough for me. 

So instead, I'm going to let the Lumineers speak for me. 

She'll lie and steal and cheat

And beg you from her knees,

Make you think she means it this time. 

She'll tear a hole in you, 

The one you can't repair, 

But I still love her, 

I don't really care. 

It took all of 30 seconds to decide this would be my favorite song of theirs

It's better to feel pain, 

Than nothing at all.

The opposite of love's indifference. 

I am so in love with that line, it's unreal. 

So pay attention now, 

I'm standing your porch, screaming out

And I won't leave until you come downstairs

Pay attention now. I'm screaming for you to hear me out, so I can tell you all of the things I've never had the guts to say, (And I guess by blogging about it passive aggressively, I'm still don't have any).  I need you to listen, really listen. I need you to listen and understand, so I can let it all go. 

I don't blame you, dear, 

for running like you did all these years.

I would do the same, you best believe. 

And I really would. You need to know that you're important to me, and you always will be. And that I don't blame you. For anything. 

But as soon as I press post, all of the memories will remain, but the weight of it all will be gone. It took me so much longer than I wanted, than I pretended, but I think it's time. Finally. After this posts, we're on the same playing field. And maybe we can start a different book instead of a new chapter. And maybe not; that's okay too. I did what I needed to do, said what I needed to say, (both through my own words and others), and now I can breathe a tiny bit easier. 

...because you and I, we were born to die

fight off your demons

Sometimes I really love a long drive. Sometimes I don't, but sometimes I do. I had to drive to Jackson, TN to work this week, so to get me through the boring trip on 40-E, I put on my comfort music: Brand New.

Brand New is my absolute favorite band to listen to in the car. For short trips, I just throw my iPod on shuffle, not really caring which song out of my impeccable musical library may come on next, but for the longer trips, I rely on Jesse Lacey's genius to get me where I'm going. 

So, the time has come, then, for a post dedicated to one of my top three favorite bands. 

Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades

The tickle, the taste of..it used to be the reason I breathed, but now it's choking me up, (die young and save yourself). 

This was the first Brand New song I ever heard. I saw the video on Fuse one afternoon and from the one song, thought, "Hey, that's a band that I could get in to." And get in to, I did. I quickly obtained Your Favorite Weapon and Deja Entendu, and they have remained one of my favorite bands since. 

Luca 

No one can save you now, unless you have friends among fish. There'll still be no air to breathe. You could drink up the entire ocean; I'll still find someone to be everything we know that you'll never be.

This song is from The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me, which was recorded (at least partially), in Oxford, MS. I distinctly remember my friend Elizabeth handing me this CD in Honors Chemistry my freshman year of college. I was instantly hooked. I had almost forgotten about this amazing band, but Elizabeth saved me.

They were getting better with time.

Play Crack the Sky
What they call love is a risk, 'cause you will always get hit out of nowhere by some wave and end up on your own.

Okay, so they're not the most uplifting band, but I don't mind.

I know that this is what you want; a funeral will keep both of us apart. You know that you are not alone; need you like water in my lungs.

I just love that last line. After an oddly themed google image search, it would appear that is the most tattooed Brand New lyric to date. It wouldn't be my first choice, but to each his own.

Soco Amaretto Lime
Off their first album, Your Favorite Weapon, I rocked out to this many nights after getting off at Old Navy. It takes me back to the smell of my old Accord and the thrill of that first summer/fall of having a car, cheerleading practices and trying to get over those first loves, (still working on that one).

You're spending all your nights growing old in your bed and it's all been said. And you're tearin' up your photos 'cause you want to forget...it's over. We're the coolest kids and we take what we can get. 

You're just jealous because we're young and in love.

At the Bottom
And there's a lake, and at the bottom you'll find all my friends. They don't swim because they're all dead. We never are what we intend or invent. 

When my brother and I went to Paris in 2010, we went to the Catacombs, (which is by far the coolest thing we did there). Many stories beneath the one of the greatest cities in the world, the bones of so many strangers are stacked ever so neatly, skulls facing out. When I walked in to that first damp, poorly lit dungeon of a room, At the Bottom immediately started playing in my head, and now consequently, this image pops into my head whenever I hear it.

Now I associate it with the idea that nothing is permanent, that everything has an ending, and that life goes on regardless of change, sadness, death, and destruction. That and the smell of crepes. 

So, that's Brand New 101. I hope you love them as much as I do. 

Some men die under the mountain just looking for gold. Some die looking for a hand to hold.

angels. airwaves.

If I had my own world, I'd build you an empire


It's time for a little background on the name of this blog. I know, I know, you've been dying to know, so without further ado, here it is:

Secret Crowds by Angels & Airwaves

If I had my own world, I'd love it for all that's inside it. There'd be no more wars, deaths or riots

If I had my own world, I'd show you the life that's inside it, the way that it glows  when you find it, the way it survives with its families, friends or its enemies.


I don't particularly know why this song speaks to me so much. Of course, I think families and friends and such are essential for a happy life. And I'm all for a more peaceful world, but I'm also a realist that understands that utopia doesn't exist and wars are needed to maintain order (to an extent). So, what is it?

Let me feel you, carry you higher, watch our words spread hope like fire.

To me, it's more about finding peace within yourself, which is an important and attainable thing. To those who have found it, I am envious. I feel like I'm close, but then the fact that I'm even talking/thinking/analyzing about it only proves that I'm not. That's really neither here nor there as far as this particular post is concerned. I fell in love with this song because of one line, the one that that lends this blog its name. It's the one soon to be permanently inked on my body. It's four simple words that I want to live my life by. It's the constant reminder to love and not carry around negativity. It's my rock.



If I had my own world, I'd build you an empire, from here to the far lands, to spread love like violence.

blame it on my ADD, baby

Okay, upon late night perusing of my favorite sites, (Buzzfeed, Tumblr, and sometimes Reddit), I came across the link for the Billboard 50 Sexiest Songs.

It's all wrong. All wrong.

I mean, I can joke about Ray J's Sexy Can I being my jam all day long, but to actually make a list, THIS list, is just asinine.

Wild Thing by Tone Loc? These people can't be serious. These songs are jokes, written to invoke laughter and ironic white guy dancing. They aren't being for real, guys!

Okay, so about half of the list consists of Donna Summer, and maybe I can see one or two, but last time I checked it was 2012 and they have actually made new music since the disco era. Crazy.

I feel like the list was actually "50 Songs You Wish They'd Stop Playing at Weddings,"  and someone thought it'd be hilarious to re-name it the sexiest songs. SERIOUSLY, Akon feat. Eminem's Smack That and an R. Kelly song made the list. This is what's wrong with America. These things are not sexy.

Songs that I'm not entirely confused as to why they made the list: Love in This Club--Usher/Young Jeezy, Lollipop--Weezy, Candy Shop--50 Cent, and I'll Make Love to You--Boy II Men.

Want to know what is listed as NUMBER ONE? Let's Get Physical--Olivia Newton John. This has to be a joke or trolling incident, yeah? I can't even wrap my head around this ludicrousness. So, because I'm appalled by this atrocious list and apparently have better taste than most of the internet (sike, sort of), I'm going to give you my top 10.

10. Bounce--Timbaland (with Missy, Dr. Dre, JT)
       Sorry I'm so demandin', but save the dancin' for back at the 
       mansion...

9. Heartbeat--Childish Gambino
      I come around when you least expect me. I'm sitting at the bar 
      when your glass is empty

8. Gotta Be Somebody's Blues--Jimmy Eat World
      Let the virus spread. She's the silk lining in my bed.

7. Helter Skelter--The Beatles
      Tell me, tell me, tell me the answer. You may be a lover, but you 
      ain't no dancer.

6. Sail--AWOLNATION
     Maybe I'm a different breed. Maybe I'm not listening.

5. Degausser--Brand New
     Take me, take me back to your bed. I love you so much that it hurts 
     my head. Say, I don't mind you under my skin. I let the bad parts in, 
     the bad parts in.

4. Whole Lotta Love--Led Zeppelin
     I'm gonna give you every inch of my love.

3. Starstruck--Santigold
     Can't make it feel right on my own. That's when I turn you on again.

2. Daisy--Brand New
     I'm a sun that doesn't burn hot. I'm a moon that never shows its 
     face. I'm a mouth that doesn't smile. I'm a word that no one 
     ever wants to say.

1. When the Lights Go Out--The Black Keys
     You know what the sun's all about, when the lights go out.


Honorable Mentions: Closer--Nine Inch Nails, You'll Find a Way--Santigold, Flux and Flow--LIGHTS, Counting Bodies Like Sheep..--A Perfect Circle, Need You Tonight--INXS, and ET--Katy Perry (with or without Kanye)


Just have a listen, and if you get music at all, you'll totally understand. Everyone feels music a little differently, so all of these songs may not bring out the sexy in you, but you have to admit they're way better than what Billboard picked out.

I want to walk on your wavelength, and be there when you vibrate. For you I'd risk it all.

wood and nails

It's funny how a song can change your mood.

First song:

Jesus Christ: Brand New

Do you believe you're missing out? That everything good is happening somewhere else? But with nobody in your bed, the night's hard to get through. 

And I, will die, all alone. And when I, arrive, I won't know anyone. 

Okay, so it seems a little depressing, and maybe it is, but it's still one of my favorites. Jesse Lacey's impeccable lyrics never fail to amaze me. If you read my previous post, you can probably understand the song's appeal to me, particularly at this juncture in my life. 

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die. I'm a little bit scared of what comes after. Do I get the gold chariot? Or do I float through the ceiling? 

Do I, divide, and pull apart? Because my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark. 

I think a lot about the after. Not necessarily the after of death, but just the after of everything. What happens after I turn 25? 30? What happens when my fears of not being able to be loved come to fruition?What happens when everyone I know is married and I'm still watching Community reruns in my pajamas on a Saturday night? What happens when my career isn't enough, but it's too late for much else? What happens after my dark sucks all the light out of me?

You can see how this song, however lyrically elegant, can be emotionally draining. It definitely doesn't lighten any moods, but feeds off my insecurities and fears, propelling them and adding to the layers. It's a real dementor of a song. So, after listening to it, I was doing the deep thought, pitiful fist to cheek lean into my car window, wallowing a bit in self pity. Then, the iPod gods shuffled to something completely different. 

Second song:

The Heart of Life: John Mayer

I hate to see you cry, lying there in that position. There's things you need to hear. So turn off your tears and listen.

For the record, I WASN'T crying. But okay, Mr. Mayer, I'm listening. 

You know, it's nothing new. Bad news never had good timing. Then, the circle of your friends will defend the silver lining. 

And then I stopped slouching into my window and sat a little straighter. 

Pain throws your heart to the ground. Love turns the whole thing around. No, it won't all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good. 

And just like that, I was smiling. My mood changed instantly. I'd love to tell you that a simple John Mayer song can turn a heartless robot into June Cleaver, but that's just not real. But, a day that was starting a bit sour, got a little sweeter. It lifted my spirits just enough to remind me that hope is still something I can feel. Real problems have complicated solutions. Fairy god mothers don't wave their wands and make your dreams come true. It's not going to be an easy road, but it's going to be worth it. And it's imperative that I am reminded of this periodically, because if not, my dark will overtake my bright for good. 

I'm not going to stop listening to Jesus Christ, and I'm not going to start listening to The Heart of Life more often, but I am going to keep my chin up, however heavy my head and heart may be.. 

Lately things have been less than stellar and a bit suffocating, but I know the heart of life is good..