it's a little bit of everything

It's been almost two months since my last post, and it's not from lack of trying. I've sat down at least five times to write in the past weeks, and it never feels right. I give up and wait for my next days off to try again. I think I was hoping things would change, and the post would never even need to be written. Sadly, that's not the case.

It's the mountains
It's the fog
It's the news at six o' clock 
It's the death of my first dog
It's the angels up above me
It's the song that they don't sing
It's a little bit of everything

It's been a hard two months.

It's not your eyes. It's not what you say. It's not your laughter, that gives you away. You're just lonely. You've been lonely, too long.

That's my confession. I feel like a failure admitting it, but I'm lonely. I'm not alone, but I am lonely. And it's been a part of me for so long now, that I don't remember exactly when the feeling started, but it's escalated this summer. And I've clearly avoided dealing with it. All I've done is drag others into my mess, and to those people, I'm sorry.

I feel my demons, misleading me...

I'm not fighting my demons like I said I was. I'm only replacing them with new demons. And it has to stop. I'm turning into someone I don't like. Again.

The kids and the wife life, but can't wake up from the night life. I'm so scared of my demons, I go to sleep with a nightlight.

So, I'm going to use this fall, (my favorite of the seasons), to get real with myself, slow down, take some time to get back to center, to stop running.

I, I always believed in futures. I hope for better in November.

I don't think I'm lonely because I'm not in a relationship; I think I'm lonely because I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost sight of almost everything, and I need to get it back now.

And I'm going to use the new Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros album as my soundtrack.

I've seen better days, dripping down your face. We don't have to talk; let's dance. For all the times you felt alone, dreaming better, I see better, better days.

Try to remember, that you can't forget. Down with history, up with your head. For a sweet tomorrow, she never fell from grace. We might still know sorrow, but we got better days.

I'm not using this post as a means to make people feel sorry for me, or anything like that. I just needed to admit it out loud (er, sort of), to at least one person, so that it's real. And so that maybe I can get some control back in my own life.


Just know that every time I look in your eye, I see better, I see better, better days.

higher devotion

The AUX cord for my iPhone is all but broken, so I've resorted to listening to, (gasp!), CDs. While I miss the casual uncertainty of shuffle, it's nice to revisit whole CDs without interruption (or the temptation of interruption).

Case in point: Jimmy Eat World's Invented

This album is truly fantastic, even if it is a deviation from their normal. My previous favorites from Invented were Invented, The Heart is Hard to Find and Cut. This go around, though, the songs that struck me were Littlething and Mixtape. 

Let's start with Mixtape:

Maybe we could put your tape back on. Rewind until the moment we went wrong. I was always just a little bit lost. Knowing what I do, I should have fought.

You don't get to walk away, walk away now. It's too late, you can't walk away now. 

But people do. 

And I was only there to sing your song. What were you protecting yourself from?

I can't tell you how much I love that string of words: I was only there to sing your song. I can't explain it in words, but that line hits home. It knocked the breath out of me today. 

Moving on to Littlething:

It's how I've often felt, when I find myself on nights like these, like Christmas Eve. From the empty office window, to the street outside. It's everything not to call and find out why.

You can tell yourself you're strong (you might be) and that you are better off (you definitely are), but there is always some small moment, some little thing that hits you when you're least expecting it. It's the perfect combination of being alone and reminded of a happier time. Then for maybe five minutes, you dwell on that one thing, wondering how it all could have gone so wrong when it started out feeling so right. 

On the cab ride you said nothing, just hair all in your face. I was scared to name it and nothing changed. So, I walked until I just couldn't, too late I understood. It was always half invented, but the other half was good.

It was always half invented, but the other half was good

It was always half invented

And then the stars aligned. Sometimes you find out things about people after the fact, lies and half truths, and then it all starts making more (but really less), sense. That's why there was so much good but still so much bad: half of it wasn't real. I initially thought I was going to spiral back down into a sadness, but I didn't. I thought about it, laughed a little and kept on driving. Losing someone you love hurts, there's no denying it, but losing someone it turns out you only half love hurts less. 

Just a little thing, buried in the other things...

In my defense (and despite my temporary blindness), the other half really was good. So good.

we don't have much room to live

So, as per usual, I have not been a very good blogger. A lot of things have been going on in my world. Some good, some bad, some great, but nonetheless I have been a busy little bee. So now I'm going to dive right back into this music challenge that's more than likely going to take me ten years to finish instead of 30 days. 

So the next one on the list is a song to drive to. I thought about this one more than the others, because my favorite time to listen to any music is when I'm driving, so narrowing this down to a single song proved to be difficult. But, fear not, I rose to the occasion and have decided up Konstantine by Something Corporate. 

And if I hurt you, then I'm sorry. Please don't think that this was easy.

If you remember my Andew McMahon post, then you'll recall that Something Corporate is his "first band." Konstantine is by far and wide my favorite SC song. It's beautiful. And it makes your heart sad and happy and nostalgic and all of the other feelings that exist. And it's almost ten minutes long. And it's basically perfection. And it's hard to appreciate fully unless you're all alone, without distraction and interruption…hence why it should be listened to in the car. 

I've been thinking that it hurts me thinking that these nights that we've been drinking, they never got us anywhere, no…

Breaking up, trying to let go, holding on, not being able to break old habits, having love in your heart that you can't really do anything with; that's what I hear when I hear Konstantine

It's to Jimmy Eat World and those nights in my car, when the first star you see may not be a star. I'm not your star.

It makes me think of something my friend Marya told me that her mom told her--something about having chemistry with someone is easy, the timing is the hard part. Timing. Timing. Timing. What a funny idea, what a funnily accurate observation. I think people have multiple soul mates and true loves, but it's finding yours at the right time that makes all of the difference. I know that's true now more than ever. And it doesn't mean that you love or care about any of those other loves any more or any less, it just wasn't quite right, which is no one's fault. It just wasn't enough.

It's not hard to dream--you'll always be my Konstantine. 

And you will. And I will.

And then you'd bring me home, 'cause we both know what it's like to be alone...

tears and rain

Bittersweet memories, that is all I'm taking with me...

I was in the shower, listening to Left and Leaving by The Weakerthans, when all of the air in my lungs decided to disappear. I was having an anxiety or panic attack, what have you, (something I haven't experienced since my sophomore year of college when physics didn't make any sense to me).

One minute I was shampooing my hair, the next I was gasping for air.

Then I was sobbing uncontrollably. Why you may ask? Guilt. Overwhelming and paralyzing guilt.

Wait for the year to drown, spring forward and fall back down. I'm trying not to wonder where you are.

Those words played over the speakers and I couldn't breathe anymore. My choices fully caught up with me in that moment and I felt sorry, so incredibly sorry. And awful. And wretched. And I felt all the pain that I must have caused you. And it swallowed me and I just collapsed in a breathless heap of shame.

And I'm still driving away, and I'm sorry everyday.

I was cold. I was terrified. I was selfish

It wasn't intended. It wasn't easy. It wasn't fair.

And I am so very sorry. You were the last person to deserve what I did. There are so many things I wish I'd done differently. I shouldn't have shut you out. I shouldn't have let it get as far as it did. But as I established in my previous post, I'm a coward, not half as strong as I'm always pretending to be. You already knew that didn't you? You were singing that lyric to me that day, weren't you?

If you're as tough as your defenses, then let them fall.

I'm not tough, and I'm not strong. I miss you everyday, but I still stand by my decision. Just know that when I think about everything I put you through, the sadness cripples me. I wish I could have made it hurt less or not at all, but I can't change the past. I punish myself for it daily, and the only thing I can say is 'I'm sorry.' And I am, times a thousand, times a million.

'Cause you're afraid to find out all the hope you had sent into the sky by now had crashed, and it did, because of me.

I hate the person I was and somedays I still I am, this monster I feel like I've become.  And I hope you find someone worthy of your love, which I was not. I wish you all of the happiness in the world, even if some days, it costs me my own.

I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this, like every inch of me is bruised

are you dizzy yet?

You close your eyes and kiss your hand, then you blow it, but it isn't meant for me and I notice..

The time for a post on Jimmy Eat World is upon us. I can't believe it's taken me this long, to be honest. I have so much love and respect for this band it's silly. I remember getting Bleed American for Christmas my freshman year of high school. I can't even play the CD anymore because it has so many scratches from years of  loving wear.

When I tried to think of which song(s) I was going to reference for this post, three came up immediately:
1) 23
2) Dizzy
3) Cut


23 is my hands down favorite song they sing. I actually saw them perform said song the day after my 23rd birthday. They put on one of the best shows I have ever been to. I was front row and managed to get the set list. I'm one of those losers that loves getting things like that after the show is over--keepsakes, you know?

So, 23:
I felt for sure last night, that once we said goodbye, no one else will know these lonely dreams. No one else will know that part of me. I'm still driving away, and I'm sorry every day. I won't always love these selfish things. I won't always live...not stopping...


It's so strange, but at 23, this was my life. Even now, I can't think of any other song that I can relate to as well as I can to this one. In fact, over the past few months, I haven't even been able to listen to it, because I can't handle all of the emotions that surface when I hear it.

I won't always love what I'll never have. I won't always live in my regrets.

I hope I don't always love what I'll never have, but I can say that I don't have any regrets.

Dizzy:
Very rarely do I find a song that I consider perfect. I find myself nitpicking songs, and will come across small nuances like double negatives, a weird pitch change, the chorus is repeated one too many times, or lyrics that don't rhyme. Dizzy is no such song. It's perfect.

If everything I meant to you, you can lick and seal and fold in two, then I've been so blind.

When they played this at the show, I remember being in complete awe. This is a song that can change lives, and though it sounds crazy, when I listen to it, I can feel mine changing. I put it on almost every single mixed CD I make people; it's that good.

Oh, oh, take it all back, take the first, the last, the only. Oh, oh, take it all back, take it all back, everything you showed me. Oh, oh this must be how it feels when the feeling goes...


Everyone has had that moment when a relationship is ending, and you see it, almost in an out of body sort of way. That's what this is to me. That moment when you realize it's almost the end, and you think about all of the things you could say or do to make this person, the one you want so desperately, to stay.

I told you as I hovered, I never felt this way. You said I have the shot that stops my clock, baby it's okay. You said you'd never have regrets, but Jesus, is there someone yet who got that wish? Did you get yours babe?


When this has happened to me, I think of all the things I'd want someone to say to me. What do I want to hear? Well, I want to hear Dizzy. Maybe that's why I don't really have functional relationships, since I live in a fantasy land where music is the solution to all of life's problems. The more I think of it, though, is it really enough? Would a song make me change my mind about leaving the person I'm with? I have no idea, but Jimmy is definitely your best bet.

Cut:
This is off their most recent album, Invented. I can't write much about this one, as the words are too real and the wounds have only just healed.

There's always some baggage you've got to check. I'm trying, hope that you'd understand. I'm sorry boy, but I'm not cut for this no more. Yes, I loved you boy, but I'm not cut for this no more..

There are so many JEW songs that I can't even touch on, because this post would go on for days, so that's pretty much all you're getting for now.

Until that next fateful post, if you haven't already, you should check out: Goodbye Sky Harbor, Work, Praise Chorus, Let It Happen, Polaris, Big Casino, Futures, Mixtape, and The Heart is Hard to Find. I promise you won't regret it.

crimson and clover, over and over.