it's a little bit of everything

It's been almost two months since my last post, and it's not from lack of trying. I've sat down at least five times to write in the past weeks, and it never feels right. I give up and wait for my next days off to try again. I think I was hoping things would change, and the post would never even need to be written. Sadly, that's not the case.

It's the mountains
It's the fog
It's the news at six o' clock 
It's the death of my first dog
It's the angels up above me
It's the song that they don't sing
It's a little bit of everything

It's been a hard two months.

It's not your eyes. It's not what you say. It's not your laughter, that gives you away. You're just lonely. You've been lonely, too long.

That's my confession. I feel like a failure admitting it, but I'm lonely. I'm not alone, but I am lonely. And it's been a part of me for so long now, that I don't remember exactly when the feeling started, but it's escalated this summer. And I've clearly avoided dealing with it. All I've done is drag others into my mess, and to those people, I'm sorry.

I feel my demons, misleading me...

I'm not fighting my demons like I said I was. I'm only replacing them with new demons. And it has to stop. I'm turning into someone I don't like. Again.

The kids and the wife life, but can't wake up from the night life. I'm so scared of my demons, I go to sleep with a nightlight.

So, I'm going to use this fall, (my favorite of the seasons), to get real with myself, slow down, take some time to get back to center, to stop running.

I, I always believed in futures. I hope for better in November.

I don't think I'm lonely because I'm not in a relationship; I think I'm lonely because I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost sight of almost everything, and I need to get it back now.

And I'm going to use the new Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros album as my soundtrack.

I've seen better days, dripping down your face. We don't have to talk; let's dance. For all the times you felt alone, dreaming better, I see better, better days.

Try to remember, that you can't forget. Down with history, up with your head. For a sweet tomorrow, she never fell from grace. We might still know sorrow, but we got better days.

I'm not using this post as a means to make people feel sorry for me, or anything like that. I just needed to admit it out loud (er, sort of), to at least one person, so that it's real. And so that maybe I can get some control back in my own life.


Just know that every time I look in your eye, I see better, I see better, better days.

are you dizzy yet?

You close your eyes and kiss your hand, then you blow it, but it isn't meant for me and I notice..

The time for a post on Jimmy Eat World is upon us. I can't believe it's taken me this long, to be honest. I have so much love and respect for this band it's silly. I remember getting Bleed American for Christmas my freshman year of high school. I can't even play the CD anymore because it has so many scratches from years of  loving wear.

When I tried to think of which song(s) I was going to reference for this post, three came up immediately:
1) 23
2) Dizzy
3) Cut


23 is my hands down favorite song they sing. I actually saw them perform said song the day after my 23rd birthday. They put on one of the best shows I have ever been to. I was front row and managed to get the set list. I'm one of those losers that loves getting things like that after the show is over--keepsakes, you know?

So, 23:
I felt for sure last night, that once we said goodbye, no one else will know these lonely dreams. No one else will know that part of me. I'm still driving away, and I'm sorry every day. I won't always love these selfish things. I won't always live...not stopping...


It's so strange, but at 23, this was my life. Even now, I can't think of any other song that I can relate to as well as I can to this one. In fact, over the past few months, I haven't even been able to listen to it, because I can't handle all of the emotions that surface when I hear it.

I won't always love what I'll never have. I won't always live in my regrets.

I hope I don't always love what I'll never have, but I can say that I don't have any regrets.

Dizzy:
Very rarely do I find a song that I consider perfect. I find myself nitpicking songs, and will come across small nuances like double negatives, a weird pitch change, the chorus is repeated one too many times, or lyrics that don't rhyme. Dizzy is no such song. It's perfect.

If everything I meant to you, you can lick and seal and fold in two, then I've been so blind.

When they played this at the show, I remember being in complete awe. This is a song that can change lives, and though it sounds crazy, when I listen to it, I can feel mine changing. I put it on almost every single mixed CD I make people; it's that good.

Oh, oh, take it all back, take the first, the last, the only. Oh, oh, take it all back, take it all back, everything you showed me. Oh, oh this must be how it feels when the feeling goes...


Everyone has had that moment when a relationship is ending, and you see it, almost in an out of body sort of way. That's what this is to me. That moment when you realize it's almost the end, and you think about all of the things you could say or do to make this person, the one you want so desperately, to stay.

I told you as I hovered, I never felt this way. You said I have the shot that stops my clock, baby it's okay. You said you'd never have regrets, but Jesus, is there someone yet who got that wish? Did you get yours babe?


When this has happened to me, I think of all the things I'd want someone to say to me. What do I want to hear? Well, I want to hear Dizzy. Maybe that's why I don't really have functional relationships, since I live in a fantasy land where music is the solution to all of life's problems. The more I think of it, though, is it really enough? Would a song make me change my mind about leaving the person I'm with? I have no idea, but Jimmy is definitely your best bet.

Cut:
This is off their most recent album, Invented. I can't write much about this one, as the words are too real and the wounds have only just healed.

There's always some baggage you've got to check. I'm trying, hope that you'd understand. I'm sorry boy, but I'm not cut for this no more. Yes, I loved you boy, but I'm not cut for this no more..

There are so many JEW songs that I can't even touch on, because this post would go on for days, so that's pretty much all you're getting for now.

Until that next fateful post, if you haven't already, you should check out: Goodbye Sky Harbor, Work, Praise Chorus, Let It Happen, Polaris, Big Casino, Futures, Mixtape, and The Heart is Hard to Find. I promise you won't regret it.

crimson and clover, over and over.