through the darkness, guided by a beating heart

I know it can't be much of an update, but I feel obligated to write again.

Being an adult is hard, and harder in all the ways I thought it would be easier. I thought I'd have it figured out by now, or at the very least, more figured out than I do. Which is not at all. People keep saying that I'm not supposed to at this point in my life, but when it feels like everyone else around me does, it's confusing. And heartbreaking. Can't I just skip to the part where I don't feel like every decision I make is a step backwards?

They tell me I'm too young to understand. They say I'm caught up in a dream. Well, life will pass me by if I don't  open up my eyes. 

Well, that's fine by me. 

I've spent most of my time outside of work these past few days alone, just thinking about what I want, and I've come to the conclusion that I don't have a clue. The more I think about it, the more it stresses me out, and the less answers I seem to have. I have always thought I needed a solid life plan, that that was the key to my happiness. But the truth is, plans and me don't work; plans fall apart, leaving me emptier than I thought possible. This isn't a new life lesson. It's just new to mine. 

I tried carrying the weight of the world, but I only have two hands. Hope I get the chance to travel the world, but I don't have any plans. 

So my new plan, for now, is to stop making plans. I just need to take time for me, and the people that mean the most to me, focus on the now, and once I can do that, and I mean really do that, then I know everything will fall into place. Wait, that's a plan. I'm really not good at this. 

So wake me up when it's all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older. 

Unfortunately, there's no fast forward button to skip this phase of uncertainty and chaos. But wouldn't it be nice to know that at 32, I will be a real, functioning adult that doesn't make self-destructive decisions on an almost daily basis? A girl can dream, but probably shouldn't dwell. I'm just going to have to be a twenty-something for now, learning from my mistakes and moving forward, however lost I might feel all of the time. 

All this time I was finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost.

it's a little bit of everything

It's been almost two months since my last post, and it's not from lack of trying. I've sat down at least five times to write in the past weeks, and it never feels right. I give up and wait for my next days off to try again. I think I was hoping things would change, and the post would never even need to be written. Sadly, that's not the case.

It's the mountains
It's the fog
It's the news at six o' clock 
It's the death of my first dog
It's the angels up above me
It's the song that they don't sing
It's a little bit of everything

It's been a hard two months.

It's not your eyes. It's not what you say. It's not your laughter, that gives you away. You're just lonely. You've been lonely, too long.

That's my confession. I feel like a failure admitting it, but I'm lonely. I'm not alone, but I am lonely. And it's been a part of me for so long now, that I don't remember exactly when the feeling started, but it's escalated this summer. And I've clearly avoided dealing with it. All I've done is drag others into my mess, and to those people, I'm sorry.

I feel my demons, misleading me...

I'm not fighting my demons like I said I was. I'm only replacing them with new demons. And it has to stop. I'm turning into someone I don't like. Again.

The kids and the wife life, but can't wake up from the night life. I'm so scared of my demons, I go to sleep with a nightlight.

So, I'm going to use this fall, (my favorite of the seasons), to get real with myself, slow down, take some time to get back to center, to stop running.

I, I always believed in futures. I hope for better in November.

I don't think I'm lonely because I'm not in a relationship; I think I'm lonely because I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost sight of almost everything, and I need to get it back now.

And I'm going to use the new Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros album as my soundtrack.

I've seen better days, dripping down your face. We don't have to talk; let's dance. For all the times you felt alone, dreaming better, I see better, better days.

Try to remember, that you can't forget. Down with history, up with your head. For a sweet tomorrow, she never fell from grace. We might still know sorrow, but we got better days.

I'm not using this post as a means to make people feel sorry for me, or anything like that. I just needed to admit it out loud (er, sort of), to at least one person, so that it's real. And so that maybe I can get some control back in my own life.


Just know that every time I look in your eye, I see better, I see better, better days.

the rolex is faceless

I'm living in the 21st century, doing something mean to it. Do it better than anybody you ever seen do it. Screams from the haters got a nice ring to it. 

I guess every super hero need his theme music.

Back when Sex and the City was still making new episodes (and even after), girls were doing the whole "I'm a Miranda/Carrie/Whatever/

Forgot Her Name," thing. Though I didn't watch the show then, and even now, I've only seen a handful of episodes, I was interested in this whole "Which Character Are You?" bit. None of the show's characters really felt like me, so now when I watch shows, I tend to think, "Am I an Arya? Am I a Leslie? Am I a Hannah?" (Still trying  to find my soul sister).  And the answer is always, "No, not really,". So who am I? This is the totally cliche part where I am supposed to tell you that I have discovered that I am simply myself, and being an individual in this world of conformity is enough for me; that I am now enlightened. Sorry to disappoint you guys, but that's not the case; it turns out I'm just a Kanye.

As in Kanye West. As in the rapper. As in the epitome of asshole. As in kindred spirit. 

(Minus the fact that I'm not a rapper and I've never impregnated a Kardashian). 

Everything I'm not, made me everything I am 

It's really funny, because I wasn't even going to go see him this past Sunday, and now I'm listening to him non-stop. And while the lyrical beauty of my Avett Brothers or Jimmy Eat World is absent, the unfiltered arrogance and lack of tactfulness that runs through my own veins is very much there. 

Good morning, on this day we become legendary, everything we dreamed of...

From the moments of pain, look how far we done came, haters saying ya changed. Now ya doing ya thing.

Plus: 

50 told me go ahead, switch the style up, and if they hate then let 'em hate, and watch the money pile up...the good life.

So, it's not poetry. It's boastful and unapologetic, both of which I am. And maybe I didn't start from the streets to get where I am at, but some struggles aren't monetary. Everyone is trying to prove themselves to someone. 'Ye and I are no different, except that we're going to let you know that we've made it. More than once. It's all that power. 

There's a thousand you's. There's only one of me. (I'm trippin'. I'm caught up in the moment, right?). 

Kanye really knows how to make everything about him, make you think that he's the only one he cares about. Yeezy (not unlike myself) wants you to think he doesn't need anyone, but we all know how this story unfolds.

Chased the good life my whole life long. Look back on my life, and my life gone. Where did I go wrong?

And then again in Watch the Throne

When we die, the money we can't keep, but we probably spent it all, 'cause the pain ain't cheap.

Preach. 

I (currently) love my lifestyle. I am happy with the path that I've chosen, and the opportunities which it affords. Yet, I find myself wondering if it will stop being enough, and if it does, will it be too late? Will the person who's needed so little from others for so long finally feel that emptiness that can only be filled with love from another? Only time will tell, but if I'm on the Kanye path, it's looking that way. 

You got that big fame homie, and you just changed on me. You can ask big homie, man the top so lonely. 

It IS lonely on top. It's hard to be the coolest person you know, isn't it, 'Ye? I wish I was joking, but I too possess this conceitedness. It's a problem. There's being self-confident, and then there's us. It's working for him, but I think I might need to reel it back in, get grounded, humble it up a bit.

(baby, I got a plan...)

It just feels as though no one is ever enough for me. I have a hard time allowing myself to feel happy (back to that trust issue nonsense). I sometimes wonder how and why I still have friends. 

And I always find, yeah I always find something wrong. You've been putting up with my sh*t just way too long. 

So basically, I used to talk trash about Kanye as a person, and wouldn't you know, I was just talking trash about myself. Isn't that the way it goes?

I'm exhausted, barely breathing, holding on to what I believe in...

So here's to hoping that my selfishness dissipates and I find my Kim K, (figuratively speaking). 

...I'm the only thing I'm afraid of

it rained so hard it felt like snow

What. A. Weekend.

Thursday, I left the safe feeling of Memphis and jetted to DC to meet up with someone I'd not actually ever met. We boarded a bus, (after a Stella, of course), and chatted our way to Philly. To hang out with people I didn't know.

And it was fantastic. I saw the Liberty Bell, (sort of), had a delicious lunch, and drank some tasty brews. Also on the agenda: karaoke and Fireball, (but really, guys, when is it not?). I survived West Philly. It was so Fresh Prince of me.

Then it was another bus ride to NYC, (while nursing a Memphis-worthy hangover) to drop off our stuff at someone else's place. Someone else that I didn't know.

DAY 1: After a metro ride, botched bus ride, and a cab ride, we made it to Randall's Island, (before it became a swamp). On the agenda: Bear Mountain, St. Lucia, Dinosaur Jr., Best Coast, Of Monsters and Men, and Young the Giant. It rained all day, and towards the end of Young the Giant, the bottom started to drop out, and KOL and Pretty Lights had to cancel their shows. Bit of a bummer, but we made the most of it, and though we were disgusting by the end of the night, it was a great time. Plus Kenny and I won at Cranium once we got back to his friends' place, which is always something worth mentioning.

DAY 2: Brunch at Southern Hospitality featuring bottomless mimosas, (within 2 hours). To say we started the day off right is an understatement. Got to the festival, (via the correct bus), went to the silent disco, then caught Alt-J, (hello LOVE), Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, (actual bliss), found the only thing we were split on, (he wanted to see Kendrick; I wanted to see Kings of Leon--neither of us regret our decisions), and closed out the evening with Guns N' Roses. Axl Rose's face, on a scale of Shirley Temple to Courtney Love, was a Voldemort, but he sounded good. I wasn't crazy about the songs from Chinese Democracy, but hearing Sweet Child of Mine live made every one of those miserable seconds worth it. I only wish my dad could have been there to hear it with me; (it's our song, duh).

DAY 3: Walked to the festival this time, (a different way every day!). The weather was beautiful, much hotter than before, but I wasn't covered in mud from head to toe. We went to see The Revivalists, then Cherub, after which I forced Kenny to listen to Haim, (which is pronounced the dumbest way ever). Next we got up close to see Portugal. The Man, (phenomenal, by the way). Then it was Gary Clark Jr., who was just as impressive the second time, and his show set us up for an A+ spot for The Lumineers, (I can't even put into words how much I love hearing them play). Skipped the XX, but I danced across the field of mud to Bloc Party while on our way to grab a decent place for Kanye West. Roll your eyes all you want, but he put on one hell of a show. His new stuff is just stellar.

I was so sweaty. And sunburnt. And exhausted. But every bit of it was worth it, which I still agree with having worked all day after leaving for Memphis at 4:00 this morning. SO WORTH IT.

Top 5 performances (in no order): The Lumineers, KOL, Kanye (he debuted his new song "I Am A God") , Portugal. The Man, and Edward Sharpe. Runners up: Gary Clark Jr. and Young the Giant.

So, after this amazing weekend, I've come to some conclusions:

1) Kenny may be the best festival buddy on the planet.
2) I love to travel alone.
3) I'm not going to have any problems making a life in a new city.
4) I need to learn to pack lighter.

So, music, once again, got me out of my comfort zone, and opened up my eyes to all the good things that have yet to come. It's the most magical of all things. It's my favorite thing.

Ahhh, it's the magical mystery kind. Ahhh, must be a lie. Bye bye to the too good to be true kind of love.  Ohhh- I could die, oh, now I can die.

i bruise just like anyone would bruise

"Music is such a personal thing, such a lucky thing. When a song hits you, if it catches you, the stars have to be aligned. If you hear it at the wrong time or at the wrong age, you’re never going to f****** get it" --Martin Freeman


I read this quote months ago, and it's been sitting in my drafts, just waiting to be posted, but I had to decide if I agreed with it or not.

I've decided. I do.

My example is actually an entire album: Manchester Orchestra's Simple Math. When it came out, I was completely apathetic to every song, save Virgin. I loved their previous work, but for some reason couldn't get into it. I dismissed it (creative differences, you know), and moved on with my musical life.

About three weeks ago Leave it Alone snuck up on me while I was getting ready for one thing or another and it floored me.

So take me or don't, a three hour drive and we got nowhere close...

You read what I wrote, but you tuned the sound out to make sure I know. Even though I can't see, I feel it's always haunting me, kicking out my feet, ruining everything.

I'm definitely in a better place than I was, but some days are so much harder than others. Everyone has their damage. Everyone has their demons. Everyone deals with them in a different way.

My way has so many flaws.

When I was a fire, I turned into ice, melting off my last feverish highs. And I leapt through the sunshine and into the night, singing songs of my healthiest fears.

My healthiest fear? Ending up alone. Letting this battle raging inside of me consume me and ruin the good things I have, which are plentiful. I want what everyone else wants. I need what everyone else needs. And I just have to remember that it's an okay thing to admit. It doesn't make me weak. It doesn't make me needy. It doesn't diminish all of my accomplishments. It only makes me human. (fightoffyourdemons, fightoffyourdemons, fightoffyourdemons).

Then there is Deer.

Half a year, and here you are again. I'd go out in public if nobody ever asked. I sit home and drink alone and hope that bottle speaks...like you, like us, like me.

I don't know what to do with me no more.

I really don't know what to do with me some days. I started my adult life a year ago, and I still don't know what I want. I still have yet to feel whole again.

Dear everyone I ever really knew, I acted like an asshole so I could keep my edge on you.

Well doesn't that line just hit home? I've posted about it before, the whole I'm trying to prove to everyone I need no one thing. I wish I could say I've made some progress in this, but I can't. I may even have more walls up than before, (letting them down, only to get crushed once again will do that to you).

But I'm hungry now, and the scraps are dirty dirt.

I've got to get it together.

Pale Black Eye

So hold on, you pale black eye, 'cause when I sleep, I sleep alone.

And if I don't get it together, that's the way it will always be. And it's not what I want.

fightoffyourdemons, fightoffyourdemons, fightoffyourdemons.





So take me or don't. I've built up this kingdom you'd hopefully loathe. 
If we end up alone, a plague on my head and a curse in my home....

anything could happen

I can't even call myself a blogger anymore; it's pathetic. I have two music festivals coming up in the next five weeks, so let's cross our fingers for more consistency. Are you dying laughing? (Me too).

So, what should I write about today? How about I just pick the five songs I can't get enough of this week. Good? Great!

Tessellate- alt-J

Triangles are my favorite shape. Three points where two lines meet. Toe to toe, back to back, let's go. My love, it's very late...

Mucho thanks to Chelsea for giving me the heads up on them. The album, An Awesome Wave, is just so damn sexy. I was in love at first listen. I flip back and forth between this song and Fitzpleasure as my favorite. But in this moment, Tessellate wins. I'm beyond elated about seeing them in NYC. Don't worry, I'll tell you all about it, (even it is a month after the fact).

...'Til morning comes, let's tessellate. 


Figure 8- Ellie Goulding

Still not too old to die young, but lovers hold on to anything, and lovers hold on to anything.

I feel like everyone has heard Anything Could Happen, but my favorite off of her new album Halcyon, is Figure 8. I thought Taylor's Red was going to be the break-up album of the year, but Ellie's kills hers. And it's so much less embarrassing for me to listen to. If you haven't made time to check it out yet, I suggest you find some.

I chase your love around a figure 8. I need you more than I can take. You promise forever and a day, and then you take it all away.


Not Quite Happiness- Good Old War

Each time I missed your face, I would come walking back to you, so scared. You said, 'What if we change all of our most unchangeable mistakes?"

I've posted about my love for Good Old War in the past, but this song must have slipped through the cracks. I can (and do) listen to it over and over. I think it's an interesting notion, to be in love but not to be happy, (less interesting, but more frequent is happy, but not in love). I guess either way, it's doomed to fall apart. I'm so upbeat!

Oh, missing everything, our hands were tied together. It was not quite happiness, just love, just love, just love.


Greatest Moments-Jessie Ware (feat. A$AP Rocky)

Two wrongs, no rights, we lose ourselves at night

Been there, done that. More than twice. I can definitely relate to this song. Depending on which end of the passion spectrum a couple is on, it can be a wonderful moment or a complete disaster. I suppose to make it work, it's all about balance? Let me know if this has actually worked for anyone, sans Chris Brown and Rihanna.

In the middle of it, we walk, we walk the line. Looking back, I miss it, our wildest moments. Are you thinking what if, what if we ruined it all? My wrecking ball.

You think you miss it, but you really don't. The good kind of passion is the best feeling on this planet, but the other kind, hard pass. Agony and high delight, two emotions you shouldn't be flip flopping back and forth between. So much work. So much insecurity. It's never worth it. and it never works. Or so I've heard...


Man on Fire-Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

Come dance with me, over heartache and rage. Come set us free, over panic and strange.

Oh Alex, I love you so. Something about his voice just sets my heart at ease. It's so soothing, it's warm honey. And besides that, who doesn't love a song about dancing, especially if there's no mention of booty, (just kidding; I love that stupid Booty Work song). But, really, this music, and this song especially, makes me want to throw on a Maxi skirt, put flowers in my unkempt hair, and dance by a bonfire, begging fairies to join me. If you've met me, you know this is the exact opposite of my normal behavior. Frolicking is for hippies! Yet when I listen to Edward Sharpe, I escape to my alter ego, Moonrain, and let my worries go for a bit.

I'm a man on fire, walking down your street, with one guitar and two dancing feet, only one desire that's left in me; I want the whole damn world to come and dance with me. 

Burn your bras, grab your tambourines, and join me, won't you?


Alright, that's all for tonight, rockstars. BSMF in two days, NYC in 5 weeks!



I know it's gonna be alright, but I don't think I need you.

pocket full of soul.

This is a two-parter:

Part One:

So the new Justin Timberlake album hit stores last week, and because I am a faithful lover of all things JT ( minus 901 tequila--ick), I arrived at work early to snag The 20/20 Experience.

By the end of the first listen, I was content, but the complete awe that immediately consumed me with FutureSex/LoveSounds was nowhere to be found. I have to admit, I felt that sinking disappointment one gets when you made the wrong choice at Taco Bell. It was good, obviously, but it just didn't hit the spot. But unlike TBell where I can go back, I had to power through with the only new JT album to be had. Life is rough, y'all.

So, the second listen was actually 100 times better than the first. I even had favorites at the end! (Mirrors, Let the Groove Get In, Dress On). Now, the CD is in my car, and each time I make it through, I find so many things to like about it, and the bottom line is that JT grew up. In the best of ways. It's like Frank Sinatra and a beat machine had the ultimate baby. I dig it. I'm letting the groove get in (yuk, yuk, yuk).

Because I can't just let music be music, Justin's growing up has reminded me of my own. I was but in High School when Justified came out, and a freshman in college when FutureSex/LoveSounds hit the airwaves. FS/LS is pretty much my freshman year anthem. I attach so many memories to that album, most of them being Oxford and my best friend Nikki, (In fact we saw him a year later in Memphis during his tour). It was a lot of partying and being young, and let's face it, stupid. Now, I'm what people call an adult, a successful one at that, also mimicking Justin's transition. He's not just a former 'NSYNCer; he's made his mark on many things, (thought please take it off that damn tequila--yikes). So his album, like wine and Hugh Jackman, gets better with time.

Part Two:

Reluctantly, the goopiest song on the album happens to be my favorite: Mirrors

Aren't you something to admire, 'cause your shine is somethin' like a mirror, and I can't help but notice, you reflect in this heart of mine.

This would have been me two months ago, "Oh love, sweet non-existent love, bless your heart."

'Cause I don't wanna lose you now. I'm lookin' right at the other half of me. The vacancy that sat in my heart, is a space that now you hold. Show me how to fight for now, and I'll tell you baby, it was easy coming back into you once I figured it out. You were right here all along...

But now, I believe it. I believe that people can feel this way about one another. And no, I'm not in love. In fact, I'm as un-in love as someone could possibly be. I just happened to meet a couple that exemplifies the very companionship I feel that so many people in this world are searching for. I was becoming a cynic, convinced that my expectations were too high for attainability and maybe I needed to tone myself down, and behave the way girls are meant to behave. I WAS AN IDIOT. DO NOT DO THIS, BOYS OR GIRLS. I REPEAT, DO NOT. That person does exist. It's a reality. There is someone (possibly multiple someones), on this planet that will complete you, that will love you for your flaws and not in spite of them. It's real. It's out there. It's going to happen for you, for me. I know this because every time I hang out with them, they remind me of it, and it fills me with so much hope.

I can't ever change without you. You reflect me, I love that about you, and if I could I would look at us all the time.