i bruise just like anyone would bruise

"Music is such a personal thing, such a lucky thing. When a song hits you, if it catches you, the stars have to be aligned. If you hear it at the wrong time or at the wrong age, you’re never going to f****** get it" --Martin Freeman


I read this quote months ago, and it's been sitting in my drafts, just waiting to be posted, but I had to decide if I agreed with it or not.

I've decided. I do.

My example is actually an entire album: Manchester Orchestra's Simple Math. When it came out, I was completely apathetic to every song, save Virgin. I loved their previous work, but for some reason couldn't get into it. I dismissed it (creative differences, you know), and moved on with my musical life.

About three weeks ago Leave it Alone snuck up on me while I was getting ready for one thing or another and it floored me.

So take me or don't, a three hour drive and we got nowhere close...

You read what I wrote, but you tuned the sound out to make sure I know. Even though I can't see, I feel it's always haunting me, kicking out my feet, ruining everything.

I'm definitely in a better place than I was, but some days are so much harder than others. Everyone has their damage. Everyone has their demons. Everyone deals with them in a different way.

My way has so many flaws.

When I was a fire, I turned into ice, melting off my last feverish highs. And I leapt through the sunshine and into the night, singing songs of my healthiest fears.

My healthiest fear? Ending up alone. Letting this battle raging inside of me consume me and ruin the good things I have, which are plentiful. I want what everyone else wants. I need what everyone else needs. And I just have to remember that it's an okay thing to admit. It doesn't make me weak. It doesn't make me needy. It doesn't diminish all of my accomplishments. It only makes me human. (fightoffyourdemons, fightoffyourdemons, fightoffyourdemons).

Then there is Deer.

Half a year, and here you are again. I'd go out in public if nobody ever asked. I sit home and drink alone and hope that bottle speaks...like you, like us, like me.

I don't know what to do with me no more.

I really don't know what to do with me some days. I started my adult life a year ago, and I still don't know what I want. I still have yet to feel whole again.

Dear everyone I ever really knew, I acted like an asshole so I could keep my edge on you.

Well doesn't that line just hit home? I've posted about it before, the whole I'm trying to prove to everyone I need no one thing. I wish I could say I've made some progress in this, but I can't. I may even have more walls up than before, (letting them down, only to get crushed once again will do that to you).

But I'm hungry now, and the scraps are dirty dirt.

I've got to get it together.

Pale Black Eye

So hold on, you pale black eye, 'cause when I sleep, I sleep alone.

And if I don't get it together, that's the way it will always be. And it's not what I want.

fightoffyourdemons, fightoffyourdemons, fightoffyourdemons.





So take me or don't. I've built up this kingdom you'd hopefully loathe. 
If we end up alone, a plague on my head and a curse in my home....

anything could happen

I can't even call myself a blogger anymore; it's pathetic. I have two music festivals coming up in the next five weeks, so let's cross our fingers for more consistency. Are you dying laughing? (Me too).

So, what should I write about today? How about I just pick the five songs I can't get enough of this week. Good? Great!

Tessellate- alt-J

Triangles are my favorite shape. Three points where two lines meet. Toe to toe, back to back, let's go. My love, it's very late...

Mucho thanks to Chelsea for giving me the heads up on them. The album, An Awesome Wave, is just so damn sexy. I was in love at first listen. I flip back and forth between this song and Fitzpleasure as my favorite. But in this moment, Tessellate wins. I'm beyond elated about seeing them in NYC. Don't worry, I'll tell you all about it, (even it is a month after the fact).

...'Til morning comes, let's tessellate. 


Figure 8- Ellie Goulding

Still not too old to die young, but lovers hold on to anything, and lovers hold on to anything.

I feel like everyone has heard Anything Could Happen, but my favorite off of her new album Halcyon, is Figure 8. I thought Taylor's Red was going to be the break-up album of the year, but Ellie's kills hers. And it's so much less embarrassing for me to listen to. If you haven't made time to check it out yet, I suggest you find some.

I chase your love around a figure 8. I need you more than I can take. You promise forever and a day, and then you take it all away.


Not Quite Happiness- Good Old War

Each time I missed your face, I would come walking back to you, so scared. You said, 'What if we change all of our most unchangeable mistakes?"

I've posted about my love for Good Old War in the past, but this song must have slipped through the cracks. I can (and do) listen to it over and over. I think it's an interesting notion, to be in love but not to be happy, (less interesting, but more frequent is happy, but not in love). I guess either way, it's doomed to fall apart. I'm so upbeat!

Oh, missing everything, our hands were tied together. It was not quite happiness, just love, just love, just love.


Greatest Moments-Jessie Ware (feat. A$AP Rocky)

Two wrongs, no rights, we lose ourselves at night

Been there, done that. More than twice. I can definitely relate to this song. Depending on which end of the passion spectrum a couple is on, it can be a wonderful moment or a complete disaster. I suppose to make it work, it's all about balance? Let me know if this has actually worked for anyone, sans Chris Brown and Rihanna.

In the middle of it, we walk, we walk the line. Looking back, I miss it, our wildest moments. Are you thinking what if, what if we ruined it all? My wrecking ball.

You think you miss it, but you really don't. The good kind of passion is the best feeling on this planet, but the other kind, hard pass. Agony and high delight, two emotions you shouldn't be flip flopping back and forth between. So much work. So much insecurity. It's never worth it. and it never works. Or so I've heard...


Man on Fire-Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

Come dance with me, over heartache and rage. Come set us free, over panic and strange.

Oh Alex, I love you so. Something about his voice just sets my heart at ease. It's so soothing, it's warm honey. And besides that, who doesn't love a song about dancing, especially if there's no mention of booty, (just kidding; I love that stupid Booty Work song). But, really, this music, and this song especially, makes me want to throw on a Maxi skirt, put flowers in my unkempt hair, and dance by a bonfire, begging fairies to join me. If you've met me, you know this is the exact opposite of my normal behavior. Frolicking is for hippies! Yet when I listen to Edward Sharpe, I escape to my alter ego, Moonrain, and let my worries go for a bit.

I'm a man on fire, walking down your street, with one guitar and two dancing feet, only one desire that's left in me; I want the whole damn world to come and dance with me. 

Burn your bras, grab your tambourines, and join me, won't you?


Alright, that's all for tonight, rockstars. BSMF in two days, NYC in 5 weeks!



I know it's gonna be alright, but I don't think I need you.

pocket full of soul.

This is a two-parter:

Part One:

So the new Justin Timberlake album hit stores last week, and because I am a faithful lover of all things JT ( minus 901 tequila--ick), I arrived at work early to snag The 20/20 Experience.

By the end of the first listen, I was content, but the complete awe that immediately consumed me with FutureSex/LoveSounds was nowhere to be found. I have to admit, I felt that sinking disappointment one gets when you made the wrong choice at Taco Bell. It was good, obviously, but it just didn't hit the spot. But unlike TBell where I can go back, I had to power through with the only new JT album to be had. Life is rough, y'all.

So, the second listen was actually 100 times better than the first. I even had favorites at the end! (Mirrors, Let the Groove Get In, Dress On). Now, the CD is in my car, and each time I make it through, I find so many things to like about it, and the bottom line is that JT grew up. In the best of ways. It's like Frank Sinatra and a beat machine had the ultimate baby. I dig it. I'm letting the groove get in (yuk, yuk, yuk).

Because I can't just let music be music, Justin's growing up has reminded me of my own. I was but in High School when Justified came out, and a freshman in college when FutureSex/LoveSounds hit the airwaves. FS/LS is pretty much my freshman year anthem. I attach so many memories to that album, most of them being Oxford and my best friend Nikki, (In fact we saw him a year later in Memphis during his tour). It was a lot of partying and being young, and let's face it, stupid. Now, I'm what people call an adult, a successful one at that, also mimicking Justin's transition. He's not just a former 'NSYNCer; he's made his mark on many things, (thought please take it off that damn tequila--yikes). So his album, like wine and Hugh Jackman, gets better with time.

Part Two:

Reluctantly, the goopiest song on the album happens to be my favorite: Mirrors

Aren't you something to admire, 'cause your shine is somethin' like a mirror, and I can't help but notice, you reflect in this heart of mine.

This would have been me two months ago, "Oh love, sweet non-existent love, bless your heart."

'Cause I don't wanna lose you now. I'm lookin' right at the other half of me. The vacancy that sat in my heart, is a space that now you hold. Show me how to fight for now, and I'll tell you baby, it was easy coming back into you once I figured it out. You were right here all along...

But now, I believe it. I believe that people can feel this way about one another. And no, I'm not in love. In fact, I'm as un-in love as someone could possibly be. I just happened to meet a couple that exemplifies the very companionship I feel that so many people in this world are searching for. I was becoming a cynic, convinced that my expectations were too high for attainability and maybe I needed to tone myself down, and behave the way girls are meant to behave. I WAS AN IDIOT. DO NOT DO THIS, BOYS OR GIRLS. I REPEAT, DO NOT. That person does exist. It's a reality. There is someone (possibly multiple someones), on this planet that will complete you, that will love you for your flaws and not in spite of them. It's real. It's out there. It's going to happen for you, for me. I know this because every time I hang out with them, they remind me of it, and it fills me with so much hope.

I can't ever change without you. You reflect me, I love that about you, and if I could I would look at us all the time.
 

higher devotion

The AUX cord for my iPhone is all but broken, so I've resorted to listening to, (gasp!), CDs. While I miss the casual uncertainty of shuffle, it's nice to revisit whole CDs without interruption (or the temptation of interruption).

Case in point: Jimmy Eat World's Invented

This album is truly fantastic, even if it is a deviation from their normal. My previous favorites from Invented were Invented, The Heart is Hard to Find and Cut. This go around, though, the songs that struck me were Littlething and Mixtape. 

Let's start with Mixtape:

Maybe we could put your tape back on. Rewind until the moment we went wrong. I was always just a little bit lost. Knowing what I do, I should have fought.

You don't get to walk away, walk away now. It's too late, you can't walk away now. 

But people do. 

And I was only there to sing your song. What were you protecting yourself from?

I can't tell you how much I love that string of words: I was only there to sing your song. I can't explain it in words, but that line hits home. It knocked the breath out of me today. 

Moving on to Littlething:

It's how I've often felt, when I find myself on nights like these, like Christmas Eve. From the empty office window, to the street outside. It's everything not to call and find out why.

You can tell yourself you're strong (you might be) and that you are better off (you definitely are), but there is always some small moment, some little thing that hits you when you're least expecting it. It's the perfect combination of being alone and reminded of a happier time. Then for maybe five minutes, you dwell on that one thing, wondering how it all could have gone so wrong when it started out feeling so right. 

On the cab ride you said nothing, just hair all in your face. I was scared to name it and nothing changed. So, I walked until I just couldn't, too late I understood. It was always half invented, but the other half was good.

It was always half invented, but the other half was good

It was always half invented

And then the stars aligned. Sometimes you find out things about people after the fact, lies and half truths, and then it all starts making more (but really less), sense. That's why there was so much good but still so much bad: half of it wasn't real. I initially thought I was going to spiral back down into a sadness, but I didn't. I thought about it, laughed a little and kept on driving. Losing someone you love hurts, there's no denying it, but losing someone it turns out you only half love hurts less. 

Just a little thing, buried in the other things...

In my defense (and despite my temporary blindness), the other half really was good. So good.

don't speak

Because I can and none of you remember which challenge I did last, we're jumping to 'Song(s) That Break Your Heart' for today's post.

Breaking up is hard to do, kids. It sucks. It hurts. It leaves you feeling empty and unsure of your every move. So self aware, too self aware even. You have all this extra time you never even realized you were spending some other way. What do you mean I've done all my laundry, worked out, grocery shopped, watched some TV and it's ONLY 9:30??

You know what doesn't help? Listening to sad songs. But it's true that misery loves company, so when your heart is broken and you think you've run out of tears, here are some songs to listen to and get you all choked up again.

You're welcome.

1) Burn--Ray LaMontagne

Ain't it clear when I'm near you, I'm just dying to hear you calling my name one more time. Oh so don't  pay no mind to my watering eyes, must be something in the air that I'm breathing.

Are you weeping yet? Yeah, me neither...Anyway, this is one of my favorite of Ray's. It's so simple, so pure, so honest. You feel his pain because it's your pain.

Yes and try to ignore all this blood on the floor, it's just this heart on my sleeve that's bleeding. 

Oh, so kiss him again, just to prove to me that you can, and I will stand here and burn in my skin.

We've all been there, so broken, so consumed with rage, confusion, and devastation, that it feels like our very skin is on fire, and no kind words or advice could stop the spread. It traps you, paralyzes you. Misery, meet company.

2) Only One--Yellowcard

Broken this fragile thing now, and I cant, I can't pick up the pieces. And I've thrown my words all around but I can't, I can't give you a reason.

Ah, now the break-upee has become the break-upper.  A self-sacrificing break up, to save you both! A courageous act! A noble deed (in the long run)! It hurts less this way! FALSE. It all hurts the same.

Here I go, so dishonestly, leave a note, for you my only one. And I know, you can see right through me. So let me go and you will find someone.

We don't want someone else. We want our world to remain intact and by letting us go, it crumbles to our feet. Then what? Do you know how long it takes to pick up the pieces of something like that? To lessen the blow? I don't know the exact time, but it seems like eons.

3) Morning Song--The Lumineers

The carbonation in my drink, the bubbles rise while my heart sinks. And all I tend to do is think of you.

For the first part of a break up, someone could say Somalian banana chips and you'll find yourself connecting it to some memory of the person who left you. Glass oranges (tears), Cap'n' Crunch (full out wailing), Alligator (crumples to the floor, gasping for air).

And it's a shame that it ends this way, with nothing left to say. So just sit on your hands while I walk away. It's a shame, it's a shame, it's a shame. 

When my hands begin to shake, when bitterness is all I taste, and my car won't start 'cause I cut the brakes, I hold on to a hope in my fate.

Ok, so every good break-up deserves some over-dramatization, because in that moment when it's happening to you, it's as if your life ended on the spot. Just a series of words, and you're done. What now? What next? How?

That's all for today.

May you return to love one day, well I hope and I pray you get what you gave..
Oh, oh, Ah, ah. Hey, hey.

the stars are brightly shining

Okay, it's officially starting to feel like Christmas, so it's time for a post reflecting that.

Let me just say, I LOVE CHRISTMAS MUSIC.

Seriously, sometimes I start listening in September. It's just some of the most uplifting, fill your heart with warmth, smile from ear to ear kind of music. And though I'm not very religious, I appreciate all kinds of Christmas music from the playful Jingle Bell Rock to the eloquent God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.

I don't understand people that hate Christmas music. It's like hating puppies. Or Harry Potter. It's just not normal.

Here are some of my favorites:

Baby, It's Cold Outside
Ever since my beloved Zooey sang it in Elf, it has been in my top ten. I know it's not necessarily a Christmas song, (I don't think anything related to Christmas is ever actually mentioned), but it's still fun and it makes me happy.

What Christmas Means To Me.
I see your smiling face, like I've never seen before. And though I love you madly, it seems I love you more.

Love, love, love. It always makes me want to dance around and sing at the top of my lungs, (which I refrain from for the most part--you're welcome). And I'm not going to lie, I prefer the Hanson version. Sue me, (though the Stevie Wonder version isn't too shabby either)

Good King Wenceslas
Good message, excellent linguistics style. I remember memorizing this in the fifth grade as part of our learning about Victorian Era Christmas. It's stayed with me since and I always look forward to hearing it this time of year.

Carol of the Bells
I mean really, how can you not like this song?


And now for my all-time favorite song of the season:

O Holy Night
Not only one of my favorite Christmas songs, it's one of my favorite songs overall. It doesn't matter how bad of a day, how angry or sad I am about something, this song can always brings me back. I feel instant warmth and happiness wash over me when I listen to it. It's beautiful, so pure and calming.

Fall on your knees, oh hear the angel voices. Oh night, divine...Oh night, when Christ was born.

Merry Christmas, y'all.

this is my kingdom come

I'm in a weird place right now...

I was going to do a holiday themed post, but it just doesn't feel like the holidays yet, so you're getting a hodge podge of all the songs I'm digging right now that aren't Taylor Swift's 'All Too Well.'

Ghosts That We Knew--Mumford & Sons
So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light, 'cause oh that gave me such a fright. But I will hold as long as you like, just promise me we'll be alright.

Can anyone promise that? Is forever truly attainable? Am I a cynic? I don't think that's the point M&S were trying to make, but that's all I hear. So if I don't know if I can believe in forever, how long can I really hold on? Jesus, I'm toxic.

But the ghosts that we knew made us black and all blue, but we'll live a long life. 

And the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view and we'll live a long life.

I really hope so. My arms are already tired.


Angels--the XX
LOVE this album, one the best of the year. I thought Sunsets would be my favorite song on it, but Angels snuck up on me I've changed allegiances. It's a simple love song, and it's absolutely gorgeous.

And with words unspoken, a silent devotion. I know you know what I mean and the end is unknown, but I think I'm ready as long as you're with me.


Love is Greed--Passion Pit
My Passion Pit obsessions come in spurts. I have no idea why I'm so fixated on this song at the moment to be honest, but I'm okay with it.

Don't want to love, don't wanna hurt. If all that loneliness requires is just another's comfort. Better off being a lonely road, 'cause there's beauty in being alone.

While I don't completely agree with this, there is a ring of truth in the words...

Love is just greed and it's almost taken me.


I For You--The All American Rejects.
I just saw them for the second time last night, and I was once again impressed. They have such a great energy and honestly, the show was just a really fun time, a much needed distraction. It only half worked because in prep, I've been listening to their newest work, and this song won't leave my head.

Was I good enough? Was I bad enough? When I wanted more, yeah, you had enough. But nobody's gonna try for you. Nobody's gonna do like I for you.

I don't feel like that's a stretch either. When it comes to liking pretty much anything, I don't half-ass it. I really love it. Friends, boyfriends, books, fandoms. When I commit, I commit. And so to feel like you're trying your hardest to show that love and getting barely half in return is disheartening and it makes you feel about five inches tall. Maybe I should take a page form Phil Dunphy's book and set my expectations lower, so the disappointment isn't so crushing.

Somebody's getting by for you. I don't bend, I just break in two. Somebody like me, I'd die for you.


Demons--Imagine Dragons
I didn't intend on jumping on this bandwagon, but it happened. And I'm so glad it did.

Don't want to let you down, but I am hell bound. Though this is all for you, don't want to hide the truth. No matter what we breed, we still are made of greed.

I told you I was in a weird place.

It's where my demons hide.