i won't leave intentionally

Long time, no post. But in my defense, my life has been a busy, albeit glorious whirlwind of late. I'm doing so much I never though I would do, seeing places I've always wanted to see, and spending a lot of quality time with my music collection.

I was going to dedicate this post to bragging all about my wonderful time at Hangout Fest, but if you follow me on any social media, I have sufficiently, (and obnoxiously), done that. And I really wish that I was sorry about it. Instead, I am going to try to dedicate one post a week to a band/artist I will be seeing at Lollapalooza in August. 

So, for post number one, let's talk about Manchester Orchestra, and more specifically, their newest musical venture: Cope. 

First of all, I loved it instantly. By the time I got to The Ocean, I knew that this was going to be my favorite album of theirs, and every time I listen to it, I am even more convinced of this. 

Choose You: 

The invention of the ship was the invention of the shipwreck. I tried to find out who I was by jumping off the deck. 

With all things that are created, in turn, comes the ability of said things to be destroyed or harmed. With all "good" things comes the equally "bad" counterpart. The emotional capacity that allows us to love, also allows us to hate. It's a choice that we make every day.

So, with your choices, are you choosing to create something or destroy it? 

And I don't, I won't, I don't choose you...

Or can you do both at the same time? 

Girl Harbor: 

There is a name for men like you inside the dark, and I know your faults. I know the way you write them off. I don't want anything to do with it no more.

Think of a time when you've cared for someone with a flaw or two. That should be everyone you care about. Often those people return that affection despite your own flaws. The people that we can't quite get to are those that pretend they have none, or at least can't admit them to someone intimately, (out of a fear of weakness, no less). I know I have been guilty of this in the past, and it cost me. 

The Ocean

I hope you don't choke on that last passive word that you keep in your throat.

Sticks and stones, love.

All That I Really Wanted

Nobody thinks you're actually right. It feels like a battle; it's more like a fight. You always bark, you never bite. I don't believe it. 

Indentions

I think this may be my favorite song from Cope. It's very simple, but the lyrics hit me in the gut. 

What a nightmare it seemed, to honestly think anything. I won't leave indentions of me. 

I sometimes do this thing, where I slowly back away from people when I feel there is a chance I may get hurt. I remove myself slowly, so when I'm actually gone, I'll barely be remembered anyway. It's what I feel myself doing now. I travel constantly, and come fall, I have no idea where my future is headed, and I'm very aware that I'm, (possibly subconsciously), trying to distance myself from people that I care about. It's stupid. 

It doesn't matter to me, I tell myself repeatedly.

Cope

Ahh, the raucous title track. I was talking with someone I met recently, and we were discussing how we fall in love with music. He is more concerned with the actual music, lyrics come later, but I tend to fall for lyrics first, then appreciate the actual music almost as an afterthought. But this song was different. I don't think the lyrics even registered with me the first two or three times I listened. 

But finally, I heard: 

If I do echo, I hope you never see, there is no one there that's waiting after me.

And I felt love again.  

have love. will travel.

As you know, music festival season is already in full swing, and I have somehow landed the coolest job ever, and I am able to go to almost any of them. So here's my current first world problem: how do I pick the best festivals with the least amount of overlap? And also, who is going with me?

Beale Street Music Festival (May 2-4)

So, a mediocre line up at best, but it's at home, and I have tons of people I can (and will) go with. It's also inexpensive as far as three-day festivals go. It's a for sure for me, though I will skip out on any day in a heartbeat if there's a home playoff game for the Grizz. 

Artist Highlights: Alabama Shakes, Foster the People, Pretty Lights, Snoop Dogg (Lion?), Juicy J (it's a Memphis thing), Grouplove, Third Eye Blind, Blues Traveler, Fitz and the Tantrums, Wolfmother

Hangout (May 16-18)

This is also a for sure for me. Of all the festival lineups, it's my favorite, because it has the most acts I want to see in one place. Downside to that is that I have many scheduling conflicts, (which can be remedied by going to multiple festivals with overlapping acts). Also, my brother and some of his friends are going, and they're a fun group to hang with, and we all have similar music tastes.

Artist Highlights: The Black Keys, MODEST FREAKING MOUSE, Outkast, Jack Johnson (It IS a beach afterall), Childish Gambino, Avett Brothers, Portugal. The Man, Bastille, Amos Lee, pretty much every other act on the list

NYC Governor's Ball (June 6-8)

This is where I'm trying to find a reason NOT to go. I can get there easily. I know of at least one person going, and potentially a few others. I know the layout and I really like it. My previous worry was that there would be too much overlap, but upon further dissection of the line up, I think I'm good. 

Artist Highlights: Outkast (again), JACK WHITE (!!!), Vampire Weekend, Broken Bells, Sleigh Bells, Childish Gambino (again, but I really don't care; I'll always go see him), Tyler the Creator, Skrillex, The Head and the Heart

Firefly (June 19-22)

So, really I'd rather skip Gov Ball and Lolla to go to this one. It combines the biggest acts I want to see from both, but it's in Dover, DE. So, um, if anyone wants to go to Delaware with me, please let me know, because as easily as I can make friends, I really don't want to go to a music festival solo. Also, this festival is four days, and it could cause a bit of a scheduling conflict. 

Artist Highlights: Foo Fighters, Outkast (good grief), Weezer, Arctic Monkeys, Childish, Cage the Elephant, RAC, Band of Horses, Young the Giant, Beck, Local Natives

Lollapalooza (August 1-3)

I love Chicago, and I've always wanted to go during Lollapalooza. It's also a pretty decent line-up, and I wouldn't be going alone. So, actually I've just decided to go while typing out the acts coming. I apparently only half read the list before. 

Artist Highlights: Kings of Leon, Outkast (FOR REAL), Calvin Harris, Arctic Monkeys, Lorde, Avett Brothers, Spoon, Childsh, Lykke Li, Chvrches, MANCHESTER ORCHESTRA, Iggy Azalea, Glen Hansard 

Okay, to recap, I just need help deciding between Gov Ball and Firefly, but really I think Gov Ball is the clear winner. What do you guys think? And where are you headed this summer? 

Red, white, blues in the skies. Summer's in the air, and baby heaven's in your eyes.

it feels like home to me

So, I have been traveling for work of late, and for the next 6 months, such will be my life. And while my bed is missed and giving up my apartment is going to be so bittersweet, I am beyond grateful for this amazing opportunity.

After the initial sadness of giving my notice to leave the first "home" I've ever had on my own, I realized that home isn't necessarily a physical place, it's more of a feeling. It's a feeling of comfort and familiarity and love. 

And surprise, surprise, certain music feels like home to me. 

She makes the sound, the sound the sea makes to calm me down. 

I love ∆ (alt-j), a ridiculous amount. I sometimes find myself getting upset because they don't have enough songs, though even with the limited amount, I still can't come close to picking a favorite. Each one evokes an entirely different set of emotions than the one before, but only one feels like home. That song would be Dissolve Me.

Now dissolve me, two tabs on your tongue. A herd of shepherds to herd the sheep, sleep now my only one. 

The next song is one that I play every time there is a pretty day in Memphis, sunroof open, the sun shining, coming down Madison, ready to take on the city come nightfall. It's predictor of good things to come. It's Portugal. The Man's Modern Jesus.

Don't pray for us. We don't need no modern Jesus to roll with us. The only rule we need is never giving up. The only faith we have is faith in us. 

When I listen to this one, I tend to replay it two or three times before venturing to the next song. I seriously can't get enough of it. I imagine it makes me feel like home because of the aforementioned reason, but also because when I listen to it, I feel like I can seriously do anything. So in a sense, because I know who I am and what I'm not, it empowers me, and makes me feel at home, at peace.

We know that we're helpless, at least we always assume. But we don't need to prove nothing to you.

And then there is Ocean Breathes Salty. The actual lyrics don't really make me feel like home, but the music itself does. It also helps that Modest Mouse is my brother's favorite, and what is a better reminder of home than that?

And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old. Well, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I hope so.

Alright, last one.

Dumbed down and numbed by time and age. Your dreams the catch, the world the cage. The highway sets the traveler's stage. All exits look the same. 

Maybe this one is self-explanatory, but it still applies. The Avett Brothers have my heart, so anything they've ever done will feel like home, ('cause home is where the heart is...bah).

Brooklyn, Brooklyn take me in. Are you aware the shape I'm in? My hands they shake, my head it spins. Oh, Brooklyn, Brooklyn, take me in. 

While traveling is fantastic, it's as equally exhausting. When I'm on that last plane home, the feel of my own bed so close, but still out of reach, this is the song I gravitate towards. And it's perfect in general.

Though I have no lyrics to post, Explosions in the Sky may be the best example of music feeling like home to me. I can put them on, and my stress dissipates, I sleep better, and some of the ache of being homesick eases. I feel their music in my entire being, sending a warmth through me, a musical hug of sorts. And that's the best thing about being home: the hugs, and hugs are the easiest way to feel loved, to feel like you're home.

She makes the sound the sea makes knee deep in the North Sea.

every chorus was your name

Have you ever wanted a song written about you, (in a good way, of course)? If you said no, get out, you robot. I often wonder what it would be like to to be the object of affection of someone like Scott or Seth Avett or even better, Chris Carrabba. And while that is not a reality for almost all of us, I could settle for someone dedicating any of the following to me:

1. The Luckiest--Ben Folds

I don't get many things right the first time. In fact, I am told that a lot. Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls, brought me here. 

All the broken hearts, all the sadness, all the uncertainty, will be a distant memory. The universe works in such an amazing way. Every experience you've ever had and every choice you've ever made has brought you to this moment, and you're exactly where you need to be.  

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it."

-Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)

And where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face? Now I see it everyday, and I know that I am, I am, I am, the luckiest. 

2. First Day of My Life--Bright Eyes

Yours is the first face that I saw. I think I was blind before I met you. 

And so I thought I'd let you know, that these things take forever, and I especially am slow. But I realize that I need you, and I wondered if I could come home.

Oh Conor Oberst, you really know how to tug on the heartstrings. I think it's precious that the video is made up of different couples' reactions to the song. Every time I hear it, it's like the first time. It's just so beautiful. 

So if you want to be with me, with these things there's no telling, so we'll have to wait and see. But I'd rather be working for a paycheck than waiting to win the lottery.

3. Swept Away (Sentimental Version)--The Avett Brothers

Well you send my life a whirling, darling when you're twirling on the floor. Who cares about tomorrow? What more is tomorrow, than another day? When you swept me away. 

This is one of my favorite Avett songs, and sadly, I have never seen them play this live. Maybe I'll get lucky and they'll play it in May when I see them at Hangout. This is the slower, simpler version of the song, definitely my preference. Plus Bonnie sings my favorite verse in the sentimental version:

Well, life is ever-changing, but I will always find a constant and comfort in your love. With your heart, my soul is bound, and as we dance, I know that heaven can be found. 


4. Sons and Daughters--Allman Brown & Liz Lawrence

And I will hold you tight, like the moon in the arms of the sky, and I, will keep you warm. I will build a fire in this house. And I'll build a fire, you fetch the water and I'll lay the table. And in our hearts, we still pray for sons and daughters

And I, I'll wrap myself around your heart. I'll be the walls of his heart. And I, I'll keep a light on, to call you back home. 

This was on an episode of a show I don't even watch, but after one listen, I was hooked. I have been obsessing over it since then. I love a good duet, and their voices just compliment one other so hauntingly well. I read that the song grew out of the first lyric (Liz wrote it, by the way). When I hear it, it makes me think of finding home in another a person, knowing that you're on your way to building a life together, a family together, but still taking your time and not rushing anything.

And it's all to come. For now we're still young, just building our kingdom. But it's all to come.

5. All of Me--John Legend

How many times do I have to tell you, even when you're crying, you're beautiful too? The world is beating you down. I'm around through every mood. You're my downfall; you're my muse, my worst distraction, my rhythm and blues. I can't stop singing, it's ringing, in my head for you.

If you haven't heard this song, you're obviously living under a rock. John Legend has been performing this on pretty much everything lately, and he can continue to do so. I can't get tired of it. This may be the most beautiful love song ever written. It's so real. The person you love should drive you insane and you should do the same, (to a reasonable extent), because if it's boring and easy and never challenging, how can you ever grow as a couple? Or as individuals? They should also bring out the best in you at the same time. It's a tricky, scary, exhausting thing, love. 

Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts, risking it all, though it's hard.

You're killing me John! I think it expresses exactly what we, or at least I, want from love. I think love should be selfless, and you should give yourself to that person, let down your defenses and love them even though it won't always be easy. Love isn't perfect, because we as human beings aren't perfect. My favorite things about people are often what are considered imperfections: scars, freckles, lines, cowlicks. It makes them unique, and a reminder that there is no such thing as perfection, that we're all a work in progress. We're all just waiting for that unconditional love; that person that knows all of our secrets and demons and loves us, not in spite of them, but because they are part of what makes us who we are, who they love.

'Cause all of me love, loves all of you. Love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections. Give your all to me; I'll give my all to you. You're my end and my beginning, even when I lose I'm winning.

I think I've only ever loved two people this way, and I don't think it'll ever be reciprocated with them. But that's okay, because I know one day it will, just with someone else. Then whenever I hear any of these songs, they'll be the only person that comes to mind.

'Cause I give you all of me, and you give me all of you. 

unconditionally

I only have two(ish) hours left before I'm 26, so I thought I'd use some of that time to recap the year that was twenty five. 

If you knew me at all a year ago, you know that I was in a terrible place this time last year. I was a shell of myself; I had let all of my dark overtake my light, and it felt like I'd never really be whole again. I was still running from everything in my past, and I was someone I didn't know. Or like. 

I moped around for months, gave up on fighting off my demons, and basically blamed the world for making me feel that way. Then I pulled a Katy Perry and decided that enough was enough:

I picked myself back up. I put one foot in front of the other, and I looked in the mirror, and decided to stay. 

Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way.

I started weeding out the negative people in my life, the people that somehow actually made me feel worse about myself. I used the time and energy I was wasting on those people to develop and grow the friendships that truly mattered. Once I sucked all the poison out of my life, my light came back. And then everything fell into place again. 

I want to have friends, that I can trust, that love me for the man that I am, and not the man that I was.

The latter part of my year was filled with self improvement physically. I ran a half marathon two weeks ago. This girl that couldn't run two miles six months ago, ran all 13.1 and actually finished in a decent time. I did something I've never done before: I did something for me and only me. And I felt something I haven't felt since graduating: pride in myself. And not just for completing the half, but for making that change. And I couldn't have done it without my friends and family. 

What do I do when my love is away? Does it worry you to be alone? How do I feel by the end of the day?Are you sad because you're on your own? No, I get by with a little help from my friends. 

This past weekend, I had the BEST birthday celebration of my life. I have never been more humbled, gracious, and happy. I was looking around at brunch, at the faces that traveled to see me, that dedicated their whole weekend to my sassy, demanding self, and I was overwhelmed. My 25th birthday was one of my darkest, and here I was, just 365 days later, and my 26th was turning out to be my brightest. And when my family showed up to my party that night, and I was surrounded by my friends and family, I realized how truly lucky I am. Some days I don't deserve it. I am demanding and bossy and loud and most of the time, I am a pain in the ass. But these people who spent the weekend with me don't care; they love me anyway.

"Opening your heart and being courageous and telling people that you care about them or like them or that you think they're special only makes you a better, bigger, kinder, softer, more loving person, and it only attracts more love into your life."

     -Amy Poehler

Loving my friends and family makes me a better version of myself, someone I'm proud of, someone I really like. I know I say "love you" a lot, and maybe it seems strange, but I don't care. I want the people I care about the most to know it. I have so much love to give, and I don't love anything with half of my heart. And now that I have picked the right people to pour that love into, I, in turn, have never felt so loved. 

If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected. Decide what to be and go be it. 

So, to this group of people that has shown me that I am enough, that I have light inside of me, that I am worthy of love, thank you. Thank you for not only this weekend, but for bringing me back. Thank you for accepting me without condition. 

Thank you for everything. 

Come just as you are to me. Don't need apologies. Know that you are worthy. I'll take your bad days with your good. Walk through the storm I would. I do it all because I love you. 

the stars, they whisper blessings as you walk by

The holidays are in full swing, kids. I've been going and going and going. And I'm exhausted.

So, in the past few weeks, I have developed a profound love for Passenger (Michael David Rosenberg), and honestly, how have I not heard of this guy before? His Flight of the Crow album is my current obsession.

You're just a photo in a drawer, but photographs are not much more than ghosts we can't forget. 

You're just a red rag to a bull. You're just a false hope for a fool, but it's as close as I can get. 

This came out three years ago! I feel like I've missed out on some serious reflection while driving without these songs in my life.

There's a kiss for every tear that rolls down your cheek, and words I shouldn't hear and words you shouldn't speak.

It's kind of like listening to John Mayer, but British. And better. So much better. Yeah, maybe John Mayer was a bad comparison.

Staring at the bottom of your glass, hoping one day you'll make a dream last, but dreams come slow and they go so fast. 

I wonder if my infatuation would be as strong if it were summertime. Something about the cold weather and the holidays makes me crave music that feels like winter, and he feels like winter to me.

I have no clever comment to bridge to the next band I want to talk about in this post, so I'll just say that I'm also currently in love with Trampled by Turtles (again). I don't know how or why I ever managed to walk away from them as cold turkey as I did, but I've found my way back to them, and that's all that matters.

If you haven't heard the song 'Midnight on the Interstate,' I suggest you make that a priority.

Late night, midnight on the interstate, and I didn't feel so great, until I saw the city.

More and more I hesitate, 'cause I don't know.

Mostly sober, sometimes I change my mind. And I don't have the time, no, we never do. 

When I hear that first part, I always imagine coming into Memphis from Madison, the way the skyline opens up, and how all the weight on my shoulders feels so much lighter, even if it's only for ten seconds. Sometimes I take that way home, (though it's longer), just to make myself smile on a rotten day.

But anyway, their cover of 'Where is My Mind' is actually fantastic as well. I basically listened to their Spotify page for 4 hours the other day. Each song was just as good as the next, and I couldn't make myself turn it to something else.

Come into the world alone, and you go out of the world alone. But in between, it's you and me. 

And the song that started it all for me:

And your heart rolls on like a frozen freight train. You know that I'll help you if I can. But I'm just a raindrop in a river, just a little itty-bitty grain of sand.

So, to recap, this is not new music, but it's still worth a listen if you've been as in the dark about each, as I have. Don't let any more time pass without this music in your life! The bottom line is that both Passenger and Trampled by Turtles have the same underlying theme:

Love and love and nothing else, It's all I need. 

i know i am enough

What a difference six weeks can make. 

About to finish week 8 of 20 of the half marathon training, and it's all starting to feel very real. I even went on a group run on Monday night. And today, I cleaned out both of my closets, (yes, I have two. I spoil myself to the point that it's almost disgusting). Simplifying, to some degree, in every aspect of my life has made a world of difference. I'm starting to feel like myself again, regaining the confidence that has been absent for so long.

I feel like I'm dreaming again. I feel like I'm seeing again. I feel like I'm breathing again. 

I've got it under control. 

I feel like I'm finally fighting those demons, even if it is just one at a time. And so much weight has lifted off of my shoulders, clearing my mind, allowing me to see all of the endless possibilities waiting for me. 

People don't need SSRIs; they need to run. 

But now, I don't negotiate with insecurities, they always seem to get the best of me. 

Insecurities are so ugly. I used to be a regular offender in this category, but I don't have any time for that anymore. I am invincible. I am strong. I am free. 

No more second guessing, no, there's no more questioning. I'll be the one defining who I'm going to be. 

Exactly this. No one else should be able to determine my worth; that's up to me. And I'll let you in on a little secret: I am enough. You don't agree with me? Doesn't matter. I've spent so much of my life allowing other people to control my happiness, (or lack thereof), but I'm done with that. I'm in control.

No more standing in my own way

but i can't wait

So, I had a completely different post planned for tonight. It was boring and mostly meaningless, just a post for the sake of saying I posted. Which is the worst kind of post, by the way. I hadn't really been inspired lately, and sequentially I wasn't impressed with the message I was posting forever to the internet.

But then I went to the Levitt Shell to catch my favorite local band (and actually climbing quickly up my list of favorite bands in general), Star & Micey. This was my third time seeing them, and I promise you they get better and better with every show. They're energetic, sincere, silly, and so incredibly talented. They are all the things that I love about Memphis.

I had the opportunity to introduce three people to them tonight, and they were not let down. In fact, they were very impressed (as they should have been). We then discussed how we really thought/hoped they would make it big. The country, nay, the world should get to experience the sheer delight we were privy to this evening.

While I was sitting there, warm breeze blowing, looking around at all the people thoroughly captivated by the show happening in front of them, there was only one thing I could think of--that stupid guy from LA that bashed my city during playoffs.

I know, what a waste of time, thinking about that hateful man with zero insight to anything about Memphis. But my thoughts weren't sad or angry; they were smug. I imagined he was sitting at home, or stuck in traffic, unvaccinated, aging from the very negativity that runs in his veins, and we were all coming together as a community, supporting our city, enjoying music made right here at home. And then a feeling of pride and warmth spread over me, the smugness melted away and I pushed that idiot out of my mind. He doesn't know a damn thing.

The band covered I Won't Back Down, (my favorite, by the way), and it seemed only appropriate for this city I love so much. People have always counted Memphis out, writing negative stories and not giving her a real chance. But we are a resilient bunch. We don't let it get to us. We know all the good things Memphis has to offer, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

And I'll keep this world from dragging me down, gonna stand my ground, and I won't back down.

So to wrap up, go see Star & Micey the next chance you get. I promise you won't be disappointed. They're truly one of the most talented bands I've ever seen, (those harmonies--swoon). They have the powerful presence during shows that fuels my love of the Avett Brothers, and they are a shining example of why I am so proud to call Memphis my home.

I will be seeing them in Jackson, MS next Saturday, and I encourage you to join me. And if you do happen to catch their show, try not to fall in love with them. I dare you.

elevate it in a song

All you need is love, love, love

Despite working Friday and Sunday, it was a good weekend. I was fortunate enough to see some wonderful people I hadn't seen in a very long time, and I got to see an amazing couple get married. I couldn't help but let myself start to feel a tiny optimistic watching them exchange vows and seeing their first dance. They are so in love with each other. They are so grateful for one another. It gave me hope.

Love is all you need

On a less romantic comedy esque note, I've been trying to be more productive on my days off. I made all of my meals on Thursday (this is HUGE for me), and I've been getting back in to a regular work out routine. I used to dread the idea of working out, but now I look forward to it. And I'm not running 8 miles a day or dominating CrossFit, but I'm bettering my mind and body, clearing my head if only for an hour a day.

While out on a long walk by the river, the sun was setting, creating the most breathtaking sky I've seen in quite a while, and I felt peace for a few, brief moments. And for those few moments, I actually believed the mantra I've been feeding myself for the past months; that it's all going to be okay. I may still be sad and lost and unsure, but it's going to be okay. It's rough right now, but it's going to get better.

But if my word is to be true, life is something to behold. But if the truth is to be told, let us not leave out any part. Do not fear; it's safe to say it here. You will not be weakling, nor a fraud, for feeling the pain of the whole wide world. 

A friend and I played around with the idea of training for a half marathon taking place this February, and I've never really seriously considered such nonsense, but the more we talked about it, the more excited I became. I have been researching training programs and reading personal testimonies from first timers. I even made the mistake of getting on runDisney, and my heart nearly exploded in excitement. And it's genuine, for the first time ever. I expressed this to my friend and she said something that made sense, "Of course. It will be our distraction from everything else in life that we can't control."

Life feels hard right now, and the simplicity of running (the actual foot in front of the other part), is exactly what I need. These are plans that I can make, and the only one who can break them is me. The only one that can disappoint me is me. And I'm not going to let me down.

You want to help, but can't help the feeling you cannot. And it's killing you while you're just trying to smile from your heart. So go on, say it, on the same knees you're praying. Yes, life is hard.

And it's going to be okay.

It's getting lost and getting found, to growing up and getting 'round. It's feeling silence, feeling sound. It's feeling lonely, feeling full. It's feeling oh, so beautiful...

through the darkness, guided by a beating heart

I know it can't be much of an update, but I feel obligated to write again.

Being an adult is hard, and harder in all the ways I thought it would be easier. I thought I'd have it figured out by now, or at the very least, more figured out than I do. Which is not at all. People keep saying that I'm not supposed to at this point in my life, but when it feels like everyone else around me does, it's confusing. And heartbreaking. Can't I just skip to the part where I don't feel like every decision I make is a step backwards?

They tell me I'm too young to understand. They say I'm caught up in a dream. Well, life will pass me by if I don't  open up my eyes. 

Well, that's fine by me. 

I've spent most of my time outside of work these past few days alone, just thinking about what I want, and I've come to the conclusion that I don't have a clue. The more I think about it, the more it stresses me out, and the less answers I seem to have. I have always thought I needed a solid life plan, that that was the key to my happiness. But the truth is, plans and me don't work; plans fall apart, leaving me emptier than I thought possible. This isn't a new life lesson. It's just new to mine. 

I tried carrying the weight of the world, but I only have two hands. Hope I get the chance to travel the world, but I don't have any plans. 

So my new plan, for now, is to stop making plans. I just need to take time for me, and the people that mean the most to me, focus on the now, and once I can do that, and I mean really do that, then I know everything will fall into place. Wait, that's a plan. I'm really not good at this. 

So wake me up when it's all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older. 

Unfortunately, there's no fast forward button to skip this phase of uncertainty and chaos. But wouldn't it be nice to know that at 32, I will be a real, functioning adult that doesn't make self-destructive decisions on an almost daily basis? A girl can dream, but probably shouldn't dwell. I'm just going to have to be a twenty-something for now, learning from my mistakes and moving forward, however lost I might feel all of the time. 

All this time I was finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost.

it's a little bit of everything

It's been almost two months since my last post, and it's not from lack of trying. I've sat down at least five times to write in the past weeks, and it never feels right. I give up and wait for my next days off to try again. I think I was hoping things would change, and the post would never even need to be written. Sadly, that's not the case.

It's the mountains
It's the fog
It's the news at six o' clock 
It's the death of my first dog
It's the angels up above me
It's the song that they don't sing
It's a little bit of everything

It's been a hard two months.

It's not your eyes. It's not what you say. It's not your laughter, that gives you away. You're just lonely. You've been lonely, too long.

That's my confession. I feel like a failure admitting it, but I'm lonely. I'm not alone, but I am lonely. And it's been a part of me for so long now, that I don't remember exactly when the feeling started, but it's escalated this summer. And I've clearly avoided dealing with it. All I've done is drag others into my mess, and to those people, I'm sorry.

I feel my demons, misleading me...

I'm not fighting my demons like I said I was. I'm only replacing them with new demons. And it has to stop. I'm turning into someone I don't like. Again.

The kids and the wife life, but can't wake up from the night life. I'm so scared of my demons, I go to sleep with a nightlight.

So, I'm going to use this fall, (my favorite of the seasons), to get real with myself, slow down, take some time to get back to center, to stop running.

I, I always believed in futures. I hope for better in November.

I don't think I'm lonely because I'm not in a relationship; I think I'm lonely because I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost sight of almost everything, and I need to get it back now.

And I'm going to use the new Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros album as my soundtrack.

I've seen better days, dripping down your face. We don't have to talk; let's dance. For all the times you felt alone, dreaming better, I see better, better days.

Try to remember, that you can't forget. Down with history, up with your head. For a sweet tomorrow, she never fell from grace. We might still know sorrow, but we got better days.

I'm not using this post as a means to make people feel sorry for me, or anything like that. I just needed to admit it out loud (er, sort of), to at least one person, so that it's real. And so that maybe I can get some control back in my own life.


Just know that every time I look in your eye, I see better, I see better, better days.

the rolex is faceless

I'm living in the 21st century, doing something mean to it. Do it better than anybody you ever seen do it. Screams from the haters got a nice ring to it. 

I guess every super hero need his theme music.

Back when Sex and the City was still making new episodes (and even after), girls were doing the whole "I'm a Miranda/Carrie/Whatever/

Forgot Her Name," thing. Though I didn't watch the show then, and even now, I've only seen a handful of episodes, I was interested in this whole "Which Character Are You?" bit. None of the show's characters really felt like me, so now when I watch shows, I tend to think, "Am I an Arya? Am I a Leslie? Am I a Hannah?" (Still trying  to find my soul sister).  And the answer is always, "No, not really,". So who am I? This is the totally cliche part where I am supposed to tell you that I have discovered that I am simply myself, and being an individual in this world of conformity is enough for me; that I am now enlightened. Sorry to disappoint you guys, but that's not the case; it turns out I'm just a Kanye.

As in Kanye West. As in the rapper. As in the epitome of asshole. As in kindred spirit. 

(Minus the fact that I'm not a rapper and I've never impregnated a Kardashian). 

Everything I'm not, made me everything I am 

It's really funny, because I wasn't even going to go see him this past Sunday, and now I'm listening to him non-stop. And while the lyrical beauty of my Avett Brothers or Jimmy Eat World is absent, the unfiltered arrogance and lack of tactfulness that runs through my own veins is very much there. 

Good morning, on this day we become legendary, everything we dreamed of...

From the moments of pain, look how far we done came, haters saying ya changed. Now ya doing ya thing.

Plus: 

50 told me go ahead, switch the style up, and if they hate then let 'em hate, and watch the money pile up...the good life.

So, it's not poetry. It's boastful and unapologetic, both of which I am. And maybe I didn't start from the streets to get where I am at, but some struggles aren't monetary. Everyone is trying to prove themselves to someone. 'Ye and I are no different, except that we're going to let you know that we've made it. More than once. It's all that power. 

There's a thousand you's. There's only one of me. (I'm trippin'. I'm caught up in the moment, right?). 

Kanye really knows how to make everything about him, make you think that he's the only one he cares about. Yeezy (not unlike myself) wants you to think he doesn't need anyone, but we all know how this story unfolds.

Chased the good life my whole life long. Look back on my life, and my life gone. Where did I go wrong?

And then again in Watch the Throne

When we die, the money we can't keep, but we probably spent it all, 'cause the pain ain't cheap.

Preach. 

I (currently) love my lifestyle. I am happy with the path that I've chosen, and the opportunities which it affords. Yet, I find myself wondering if it will stop being enough, and if it does, will it be too late? Will the person who's needed so little from others for so long finally feel that emptiness that can only be filled with love from another? Only time will tell, but if I'm on the Kanye path, it's looking that way. 

You got that big fame homie, and you just changed on me. You can ask big homie, man the top so lonely. 

It IS lonely on top. It's hard to be the coolest person you know, isn't it, 'Ye? I wish I was joking, but I too possess this conceitedness. It's a problem. There's being self-confident, and then there's us. It's working for him, but I think I might need to reel it back in, get grounded, humble it up a bit.

(baby, I got a plan...)

It just feels as though no one is ever enough for me. I have a hard time allowing myself to feel happy (back to that trust issue nonsense). I sometimes wonder how and why I still have friends. 

And I always find, yeah I always find something wrong. You've been putting up with my sh*t just way too long. 

So basically, I used to talk trash about Kanye as a person, and wouldn't you know, I was just talking trash about myself. Isn't that the way it goes?

I'm exhausted, barely breathing, holding on to what I believe in...

So here's to hoping that my selfishness dissipates and I find my Kim K, (figuratively speaking). 

...I'm the only thing I'm afraid of

it rained so hard it felt like snow

What. A. Weekend.

Thursday, I left the safe feeling of Memphis and jetted to DC to meet up with someone I'd not actually ever met. We boarded a bus, (after a Stella, of course), and chatted our way to Philly. To hang out with people I didn't know.

And it was fantastic. I saw the Liberty Bell, (sort of), had a delicious lunch, and drank some tasty brews. Also on the agenda: karaoke and Fireball, (but really, guys, when is it not?). I survived West Philly. It was so Fresh Prince of me.

Then it was another bus ride to NYC, (while nursing a Memphis-worthy hangover) to drop off our stuff at someone else's place. Someone else that I didn't know.

DAY 1: After a metro ride, botched bus ride, and a cab ride, we made it to Randall's Island, (before it became a swamp). On the agenda: Bear Mountain, St. Lucia, Dinosaur Jr., Best Coast, Of Monsters and Men, and Young the Giant. It rained all day, and towards the end of Young the Giant, the bottom started to drop out, and KOL and Pretty Lights had to cancel their shows. Bit of a bummer, but we made the most of it, and though we were disgusting by the end of the night, it was a great time. Plus Kenny and I won at Cranium once we got back to his friends' place, which is always something worth mentioning.

DAY 2: Brunch at Southern Hospitality featuring bottomless mimosas, (within 2 hours). To say we started the day off right is an understatement. Got to the festival, (via the correct bus), went to the silent disco, then caught Alt-J, (hello LOVE), Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, (actual bliss), found the only thing we were split on, (he wanted to see Kendrick; I wanted to see Kings of Leon--neither of us regret our decisions), and closed out the evening with Guns N' Roses. Axl Rose's face, on a scale of Shirley Temple to Courtney Love, was a Voldemort, but he sounded good. I wasn't crazy about the songs from Chinese Democracy, but hearing Sweet Child of Mine live made every one of those miserable seconds worth it. I only wish my dad could have been there to hear it with me; (it's our song, duh).

DAY 3: Walked to the festival this time, (a different way every day!). The weather was beautiful, much hotter than before, but I wasn't covered in mud from head to toe. We went to see The Revivalists, then Cherub, after which I forced Kenny to listen to Haim, (which is pronounced the dumbest way ever). Next we got up close to see Portugal. The Man, (phenomenal, by the way). Then it was Gary Clark Jr., who was just as impressive the second time, and his show set us up for an A+ spot for The Lumineers, (I can't even put into words how much I love hearing them play). Skipped the XX, but I danced across the field of mud to Bloc Party while on our way to grab a decent place for Kanye West. Roll your eyes all you want, but he put on one hell of a show. His new stuff is just stellar.

I was so sweaty. And sunburnt. And exhausted. But every bit of it was worth it, which I still agree with having worked all day after leaving for Memphis at 4:00 this morning. SO WORTH IT.

Top 5 performances (in no order): The Lumineers, KOL, Kanye (he debuted his new song "I Am A God") , Portugal. The Man, and Edward Sharpe. Runners up: Gary Clark Jr. and Young the Giant.

So, after this amazing weekend, I've come to some conclusions:

1) Kenny may be the best festival buddy on the planet.
2) I love to travel alone.
3) I'm not going to have any problems making a life in a new city.
4) I need to learn to pack lighter.

So, music, once again, got me out of my comfort zone, and opened up my eyes to all the good things that have yet to come. It's the most magical of all things. It's my favorite thing.

Ahhh, it's the magical mystery kind. Ahhh, must be a lie. Bye bye to the too good to be true kind of love.  Ohhh- I could die, oh, now I can die.

i bruise just like anyone would bruise

"Music is such a personal thing, such a lucky thing. When a song hits you, if it catches you, the stars have to be aligned. If you hear it at the wrong time or at the wrong age, you’re never going to f****** get it" --Martin Freeman


I read this quote months ago, and it's been sitting in my drafts, just waiting to be posted, but I had to decide if I agreed with it or not.

I've decided. I do.

My example is actually an entire album: Manchester Orchestra's Simple Math. When it came out, I was completely apathetic to every song, save Virgin. I loved their previous work, but for some reason couldn't get into it. I dismissed it (creative differences, you know), and moved on with my musical life.

About three weeks ago Leave it Alone snuck up on me while I was getting ready for one thing or another and it floored me.

So take me or don't, a three hour drive and we got nowhere close...

You read what I wrote, but you tuned the sound out to make sure I know. Even though I can't see, I feel it's always haunting me, kicking out my feet, ruining everything.

I'm definitely in a better place than I was, but some days are so much harder than others. Everyone has their damage. Everyone has their demons. Everyone deals with them in a different way.

My way has so many flaws.

When I was a fire, I turned into ice, melting off my last feverish highs. And I leapt through the sunshine and into the night, singing songs of my healthiest fears.

My healthiest fear? Ending up alone. Letting this battle raging inside of me consume me and ruin the good things I have, which are plentiful. I want what everyone else wants. I need what everyone else needs. And I just have to remember that it's an okay thing to admit. It doesn't make me weak. It doesn't make me needy. It doesn't diminish all of my accomplishments. It only makes me human. (fightoffyourdemons, fightoffyourdemons, fightoffyourdemons).

Then there is Deer.

Half a year, and here you are again. I'd go out in public if nobody ever asked. I sit home and drink alone and hope that bottle speaks...like you, like us, like me.

I don't know what to do with me no more.

I really don't know what to do with me some days. I started my adult life a year ago, and I still don't know what I want. I still have yet to feel whole again.

Dear everyone I ever really knew, I acted like an asshole so I could keep my edge on you.

Well doesn't that line just hit home? I've posted about it before, the whole I'm trying to prove to everyone I need no one thing. I wish I could say I've made some progress in this, but I can't. I may even have more walls up than before, (letting them down, only to get crushed once again will do that to you).

But I'm hungry now, and the scraps are dirty dirt.

I've got to get it together.

Pale Black Eye

So hold on, you pale black eye, 'cause when I sleep, I sleep alone.

And if I don't get it together, that's the way it will always be. And it's not what I want.

fightoffyourdemons, fightoffyourdemons, fightoffyourdemons.





So take me or don't. I've built up this kingdom you'd hopefully loathe. 
If we end up alone, a plague on my head and a curse in my home....

anything could happen

I can't even call myself a blogger anymore; it's pathetic. I have two music festivals coming up in the next five weeks, so let's cross our fingers for more consistency. Are you dying laughing? (Me too).

So, what should I write about today? How about I just pick the five songs I can't get enough of this week. Good? Great!

Tessellate- alt-J

Triangles are my favorite shape. Three points where two lines meet. Toe to toe, back to back, let's go. My love, it's very late...

Mucho thanks to Chelsea for giving me the heads up on them. The album, An Awesome Wave, is just so damn sexy. I was in love at first listen. I flip back and forth between this song and Fitzpleasure as my favorite. But in this moment, Tessellate wins. I'm beyond elated about seeing them in NYC. Don't worry, I'll tell you all about it, (even it is a month after the fact).

...'Til morning comes, let's tessellate. 


Figure 8- Ellie Goulding

Still not too old to die young, but lovers hold on to anything, and lovers hold on to anything.

I feel like everyone has heard Anything Could Happen, but my favorite off of her new album Halcyon, is Figure 8. I thought Taylor's Red was going to be the break-up album of the year, but Ellie's kills hers. And it's so much less embarrassing for me to listen to. If you haven't made time to check it out yet, I suggest you find some.

I chase your love around a figure 8. I need you more than I can take. You promise forever and a day, and then you take it all away.


Not Quite Happiness- Good Old War

Each time I missed your face, I would come walking back to you, so scared. You said, 'What if we change all of our most unchangeable mistakes?"

I've posted about my love for Good Old War in the past, but this song must have slipped through the cracks. I can (and do) listen to it over and over. I think it's an interesting notion, to be in love but not to be happy, (less interesting, but more frequent is happy, but not in love). I guess either way, it's doomed to fall apart. I'm so upbeat!

Oh, missing everything, our hands were tied together. It was not quite happiness, just love, just love, just love.


Greatest Moments-Jessie Ware (feat. A$AP Rocky)

Two wrongs, no rights, we lose ourselves at night

Been there, done that. More than twice. I can definitely relate to this song. Depending on which end of the passion spectrum a couple is on, it can be a wonderful moment or a complete disaster. I suppose to make it work, it's all about balance? Let me know if this has actually worked for anyone, sans Chris Brown and Rihanna.

In the middle of it, we walk, we walk the line. Looking back, I miss it, our wildest moments. Are you thinking what if, what if we ruined it all? My wrecking ball.

You think you miss it, but you really don't. The good kind of passion is the best feeling on this planet, but the other kind, hard pass. Agony and high delight, two emotions you shouldn't be flip flopping back and forth between. So much work. So much insecurity. It's never worth it. and it never works. Or so I've heard...


Man on Fire-Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

Come dance with me, over heartache and rage. Come set us free, over panic and strange.

Oh Alex, I love you so. Something about his voice just sets my heart at ease. It's so soothing, it's warm honey. And besides that, who doesn't love a song about dancing, especially if there's no mention of booty, (just kidding; I love that stupid Booty Work song). But, really, this music, and this song especially, makes me want to throw on a Maxi skirt, put flowers in my unkempt hair, and dance by a bonfire, begging fairies to join me. If you've met me, you know this is the exact opposite of my normal behavior. Frolicking is for hippies! Yet when I listen to Edward Sharpe, I escape to my alter ego, Moonrain, and let my worries go for a bit.

I'm a man on fire, walking down your street, with one guitar and two dancing feet, only one desire that's left in me; I want the whole damn world to come and dance with me. 

Burn your bras, grab your tambourines, and join me, won't you?


Alright, that's all for tonight, rockstars. BSMF in two days, NYC in 5 weeks!



I know it's gonna be alright, but I don't think I need you.

pocket full of soul.

This is a two-parter:

Part One:

So the new Justin Timberlake album hit stores last week, and because I am a faithful lover of all things JT ( minus 901 tequila--ick), I arrived at work early to snag The 20/20 Experience.

By the end of the first listen, I was content, but the complete awe that immediately consumed me with FutureSex/LoveSounds was nowhere to be found. I have to admit, I felt that sinking disappointment one gets when you made the wrong choice at Taco Bell. It was good, obviously, but it just didn't hit the spot. But unlike TBell where I can go back, I had to power through with the only new JT album to be had. Life is rough, y'all.

So, the second listen was actually 100 times better than the first. I even had favorites at the end! (Mirrors, Let the Groove Get In, Dress On). Now, the CD is in my car, and each time I make it through, I find so many things to like about it, and the bottom line is that JT grew up. In the best of ways. It's like Frank Sinatra and a beat machine had the ultimate baby. I dig it. I'm letting the groove get in (yuk, yuk, yuk).

Because I can't just let music be music, Justin's growing up has reminded me of my own. I was but in High School when Justified came out, and a freshman in college when FutureSex/LoveSounds hit the airwaves. FS/LS is pretty much my freshman year anthem. I attach so many memories to that album, most of them being Oxford and my best friend Nikki, (In fact we saw him a year later in Memphis during his tour). It was a lot of partying and being young, and let's face it, stupid. Now, I'm what people call an adult, a successful one at that, also mimicking Justin's transition. He's not just a former 'NSYNCer; he's made his mark on many things, (thought please take it off that damn tequila--yikes). So his album, like wine and Hugh Jackman, gets better with time.

Part Two:

Reluctantly, the goopiest song on the album happens to be my favorite: Mirrors

Aren't you something to admire, 'cause your shine is somethin' like a mirror, and I can't help but notice, you reflect in this heart of mine.

This would have been me two months ago, "Oh love, sweet non-existent love, bless your heart."

'Cause I don't wanna lose you now. I'm lookin' right at the other half of me. The vacancy that sat in my heart, is a space that now you hold. Show me how to fight for now, and I'll tell you baby, it was easy coming back into you once I figured it out. You were right here all along...

But now, I believe it. I believe that people can feel this way about one another. And no, I'm not in love. In fact, I'm as un-in love as someone could possibly be. I just happened to meet a couple that exemplifies the very companionship I feel that so many people in this world are searching for. I was becoming a cynic, convinced that my expectations were too high for attainability and maybe I needed to tone myself down, and behave the way girls are meant to behave. I WAS AN IDIOT. DO NOT DO THIS, BOYS OR GIRLS. I REPEAT, DO NOT. That person does exist. It's a reality. There is someone (possibly multiple someones), on this planet that will complete you, that will love you for your flaws and not in spite of them. It's real. It's out there. It's going to happen for you, for me. I know this because every time I hang out with them, they remind me of it, and it fills me with so much hope.

I can't ever change without you. You reflect me, I love that about you, and if I could I would look at us all the time.
 

higher devotion

The AUX cord for my iPhone is all but broken, so I've resorted to listening to, (gasp!), CDs. While I miss the casual uncertainty of shuffle, it's nice to revisit whole CDs without interruption (or the temptation of interruption).

Case in point: Jimmy Eat World's Invented

This album is truly fantastic, even if it is a deviation from their normal. My previous favorites from Invented were Invented, The Heart is Hard to Find and Cut. This go around, though, the songs that struck me were Littlething and Mixtape. 

Let's start with Mixtape:

Maybe we could put your tape back on. Rewind until the moment we went wrong. I was always just a little bit lost. Knowing what I do, I should have fought.

You don't get to walk away, walk away now. It's too late, you can't walk away now. 

But people do. 

And I was only there to sing your song. What were you protecting yourself from?

I can't tell you how much I love that string of words: I was only there to sing your song. I can't explain it in words, but that line hits home. It knocked the breath out of me today. 

Moving on to Littlething:

It's how I've often felt, when I find myself on nights like these, like Christmas Eve. From the empty office window, to the street outside. It's everything not to call and find out why.

You can tell yourself you're strong (you might be) and that you are better off (you definitely are), but there is always some small moment, some little thing that hits you when you're least expecting it. It's the perfect combination of being alone and reminded of a happier time. Then for maybe five minutes, you dwell on that one thing, wondering how it all could have gone so wrong when it started out feeling so right. 

On the cab ride you said nothing, just hair all in your face. I was scared to name it and nothing changed. So, I walked until I just couldn't, too late I understood. It was always half invented, but the other half was good.

It was always half invented, but the other half was good

It was always half invented

And then the stars aligned. Sometimes you find out things about people after the fact, lies and half truths, and then it all starts making more (but really less), sense. That's why there was so much good but still so much bad: half of it wasn't real. I initially thought I was going to spiral back down into a sadness, but I didn't. I thought about it, laughed a little and kept on driving. Losing someone you love hurts, there's no denying it, but losing someone it turns out you only half love hurts less. 

Just a little thing, buried in the other things...

In my defense (and despite my temporary blindness), the other half really was good. So good.

don't speak

Because I can and none of you remember which challenge I did last, we're jumping to 'Song(s) That Break Your Heart' for today's post.

Breaking up is hard to do, kids. It sucks. It hurts. It leaves you feeling empty and unsure of your every move. So self aware, too self aware even. You have all this extra time you never even realized you were spending some other way. What do you mean I've done all my laundry, worked out, grocery shopped, watched some TV and it's ONLY 9:30??

You know what doesn't help? Listening to sad songs. But it's true that misery loves company, so when your heart is broken and you think you've run out of tears, here are some songs to listen to and get you all choked up again.

You're welcome.

1) Burn--Ray LaMontagne

Ain't it clear when I'm near you, I'm just dying to hear you calling my name one more time. Oh so don't  pay no mind to my watering eyes, must be something in the air that I'm breathing.

Are you weeping yet? Yeah, me neither...Anyway, this is one of my favorite of Ray's. It's so simple, so pure, so honest. You feel his pain because it's your pain.

Yes and try to ignore all this blood on the floor, it's just this heart on my sleeve that's bleeding. 

Oh, so kiss him again, just to prove to me that you can, and I will stand here and burn in my skin.

We've all been there, so broken, so consumed with rage, confusion, and devastation, that it feels like our very skin is on fire, and no kind words or advice could stop the spread. It traps you, paralyzes you. Misery, meet company.

2) Only One--Yellowcard

Broken this fragile thing now, and I cant, I can't pick up the pieces. And I've thrown my words all around but I can't, I can't give you a reason.

Ah, now the break-upee has become the break-upper.  A self-sacrificing break up, to save you both! A courageous act! A noble deed (in the long run)! It hurts less this way! FALSE. It all hurts the same.

Here I go, so dishonestly, leave a note, for you my only one. And I know, you can see right through me. So let me go and you will find someone.

We don't want someone else. We want our world to remain intact and by letting us go, it crumbles to our feet. Then what? Do you know how long it takes to pick up the pieces of something like that? To lessen the blow? I don't know the exact time, but it seems like eons.

3) Morning Song--The Lumineers

The carbonation in my drink, the bubbles rise while my heart sinks. And all I tend to do is think of you.

For the first part of a break up, someone could say Somalian banana chips and you'll find yourself connecting it to some memory of the person who left you. Glass oranges (tears), Cap'n' Crunch (full out wailing), Alligator (crumples to the floor, gasping for air).

And it's a shame that it ends this way, with nothing left to say. So just sit on your hands while I walk away. It's a shame, it's a shame, it's a shame. 

When my hands begin to shake, when bitterness is all I taste, and my car won't start 'cause I cut the brakes, I hold on to a hope in my fate.

Ok, so every good break-up deserves some over-dramatization, because in that moment when it's happening to you, it's as if your life ended on the spot. Just a series of words, and you're done. What now? What next? How?

That's all for today.

May you return to love one day, well I hope and I pray you get what you gave..
Oh, oh, Ah, ah. Hey, hey.

the stars are brightly shining

Okay, it's officially starting to feel like Christmas, so it's time for a post reflecting that.

Let me just say, I LOVE CHRISTMAS MUSIC.

Seriously, sometimes I start listening in September. It's just some of the most uplifting, fill your heart with warmth, smile from ear to ear kind of music. And though I'm not very religious, I appreciate all kinds of Christmas music from the playful Jingle Bell Rock to the eloquent God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.

I don't understand people that hate Christmas music. It's like hating puppies. Or Harry Potter. It's just not normal.

Here are some of my favorites:

Baby, It's Cold Outside
Ever since my beloved Zooey sang it in Elf, it has been in my top ten. I know it's not necessarily a Christmas song, (I don't think anything related to Christmas is ever actually mentioned), but it's still fun and it makes me happy.

What Christmas Means To Me.
I see your smiling face, like I've never seen before. And though I love you madly, it seems I love you more.

Love, love, love. It always makes me want to dance around and sing at the top of my lungs, (which I refrain from for the most part--you're welcome). And I'm not going to lie, I prefer the Hanson version. Sue me, (though the Stevie Wonder version isn't too shabby either)

Good King Wenceslas
Good message, excellent linguistics style. I remember memorizing this in the fifth grade as part of our learning about Victorian Era Christmas. It's stayed with me since and I always look forward to hearing it this time of year.

Carol of the Bells
I mean really, how can you not like this song?


And now for my all-time favorite song of the season:

O Holy Night
Not only one of my favorite Christmas songs, it's one of my favorite songs overall. It doesn't matter how bad of a day, how angry or sad I am about something, this song can always brings me back. I feel instant warmth and happiness wash over me when I listen to it. It's beautiful, so pure and calming.

Fall on your knees, oh hear the angel voices. Oh night, divine...Oh night, when Christ was born.

Merry Christmas, y'all.

this is my kingdom come

I'm in a weird place right now...

I was going to do a holiday themed post, but it just doesn't feel like the holidays yet, so you're getting a hodge podge of all the songs I'm digging right now that aren't Taylor Swift's 'All Too Well.'

Ghosts That We Knew--Mumford & Sons
So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light, 'cause oh that gave me such a fright. But I will hold as long as you like, just promise me we'll be alright.

Can anyone promise that? Is forever truly attainable? Am I a cynic? I don't think that's the point M&S were trying to make, but that's all I hear. So if I don't know if I can believe in forever, how long can I really hold on? Jesus, I'm toxic.

But the ghosts that we knew made us black and all blue, but we'll live a long life. 

And the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view and we'll live a long life.

I really hope so. My arms are already tired.


Angels--the XX
LOVE this album, one the best of the year. I thought Sunsets would be my favorite song on it, but Angels snuck up on me I've changed allegiances. It's a simple love song, and it's absolutely gorgeous.

And with words unspoken, a silent devotion. I know you know what I mean and the end is unknown, but I think I'm ready as long as you're with me.


Love is Greed--Passion Pit
My Passion Pit obsessions come in spurts. I have no idea why I'm so fixated on this song at the moment to be honest, but I'm okay with it.

Don't want to love, don't wanna hurt. If all that loneliness requires is just another's comfort. Better off being a lonely road, 'cause there's beauty in being alone.

While I don't completely agree with this, there is a ring of truth in the words...

Love is just greed and it's almost taken me.


I For You--The All American Rejects.
I just saw them for the second time last night, and I was once again impressed. They have such a great energy and honestly, the show was just a really fun time, a much needed distraction. It only half worked because in prep, I've been listening to their newest work, and this song won't leave my head.

Was I good enough? Was I bad enough? When I wanted more, yeah, you had enough. But nobody's gonna try for you. Nobody's gonna do like I for you.

I don't feel like that's a stretch either. When it comes to liking pretty much anything, I don't half-ass it. I really love it. Friends, boyfriends, books, fandoms. When I commit, I commit. And so to feel like you're trying your hardest to show that love and getting barely half in return is disheartening and it makes you feel about five inches tall. Maybe I should take a page form Phil Dunphy's book and set my expectations lower, so the disappointment isn't so crushing.

Somebody's getting by for you. I don't bend, I just break in two. Somebody like me, I'd die for you.


Demons--Imagine Dragons
I didn't intend on jumping on this bandwagon, but it happened. And I'm so glad it did.

Don't want to let you down, but I am hell bound. Though this is all for you, don't want to hide the truth. No matter what we breed, we still are made of greed.

I told you I was in a weird place.

It's where my demons hide.