down the stairs, i was there

Curse you, Taylor Swift.

I'm mostly apathetic about her music; it's just not my thing. She has some catchy stuff, but I don't generally go out of my way to listen to her (and I HATE that Never Getting Back Together song...so much). But things change. I recently downloaded her album Red for a friend, and I thought I'd give it a try, just to see. I wasn't clawing my ears off, and I also wasn't hitting repeat. Until I stumbled across All Too Well.

Holy. Feelings.

It's like she's in my head or something, or maybe she's roughly my age and she just happens to be able to put into song all the things that we as young girls in love tend to feel and think. Maybe.

Definitely.

The autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place, and I can picture it after all these days.  And I know it's long gone, and that magic's not here no more, and I might be okay, but I'm not fine at all.

Double negative aside, I really couldn't have said it better myself.

And I know it's long gone, and there was nothing else I could do, and I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to.

Seriously, who told her? I mean, had this song come out this time last year, I would have immediately lost it, as I almost did Sunday night when I heard it for the first time. I can't stop listening to it; I'm hypnotized by its truth. It hits too close to home. I just...I can't.

Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,  but maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up. 

Running scared, I was there. I remember it all too well. 

It's amazing the memories you hold on to, the smells, the touches, the words, the way that smile hit the light just right, the feeling of being complete in that moment, the sheer happiness, the hope for the future, then the gut wrenching feeling of the end, the tears, the loss of all of your plans. I definitely remember it all too well.

You call me up again to just to break me like a promise, so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

That may be my favorite line of the song.

'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so, back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known. It was rare, I was there. I remember it all too well.

And that's the best part, the past tense of it all. Though I'm no longer in that place anymore, and that's but a closed chapter, it doesn't make the words any less haunting, any less true, any less vivid. I got punched in the mouth once, so out of the blue, that I didn't even realize I was in a fight. That's what this song is, it's being punched before you can even realize what's happening. Then you're feeling so many things you've tried to forget that you fear you might explode, and the only thing you can do is push repeat.

But it's done. It's a memory. And when I have exhausted all of those feelings I put on Begin Again, and I'll leave you with the place I'm at now:

And you throw you head back laughing like a little kid. I think it's strange that you think I'm funny 'cause he never did. 

I've been spending the last eight months, thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end. But on a Wednesday in a cafe, I watched it begin again..

i'm but a clean man, a stable and alone man

Also doubling as one of my top five favorite songs, I Can Feel a Hot One by Manchester Orchestra wins this day's music challenge of a song that makes you think about life.

It's one of the few songs, as I've mentioned before, that always gives me  chills when I listen to it. I am forever indebted to my friend TC for opening my ears to this gem.  

I remember head down, after you found out. Manna is a hell of a drug. I need a little more I think because enough is never quite enough. What's enough?

It's a song I often make people listen to in its entirety,  and I don't allow talking while it's playing. 

I took it like a grown man, crying on the pavement, hoping you would show your face. I haven't heard a thing you've said in at least a couple hundred days, what'd you say?

When I hear that particular line, I often picture a car crash that involves the singer's wife. He's distraught; the person he loves could be dying and he doesn't know how to make it better. It's the type of man I want to love me. It's the type of love that I want. Does that make me slightly morbid? Who knows? I'm unconcerned. 

I was in the front seat, shaking it out, and I was asking if you felt alright. I never want to hear the truth. I want to hear your voice is sounding fine, my voice is sounding fine. 

Only solidifying the picture made in my mind. 

And I could feel my heartbeat taking me down and for the moment I would sleep alright. Invading with a selfish fear to keep me up another restless night, another restless night. 

But why is he so heartbroken? Did he do this? WHAT IS GOING ON? All I know is that at the point in the song, I am experiencing all of the feelings related to love and sadness and loss and life and pain and survival.

The blood was dry, it was sober, the feeling of audible cracks. And I could tell it was over by the curtains that hung from your neck. And realized then you were perfect, with my teeth ripping out of my head, and it looked like a painting I once knew back when my thoughts were not entirely intact.

A line that will forever remain engrained in my head: And I realized then you were perfect with my teeth ripping out of my head...What imagery, what lyricism, what beauty. 

So I prayed for what I thought were angels, ended up being ambulances, and the Lord showed me dreams of my daughter, she was crying inside your stomach. And I felt love...again. 

And a love song that I thought was about death and dying turned about to be about new life. A twist, the Prestige if you will, finely crafted, and delivered impeccably. Andy Hull and company forever have my respect and admiration because of this song (their other stuff is fantastic, but this song just stays with me always).

I recently read somewhere on the internet (so take this with a grain of salt) that the song was written as a coping mechanism of being away from his girlfriend/wife while on tour with the band. I don't know if that's true, but now I listen to the song with a different perspective: being away from the one you love, missing them so much that it hurts. But it also brings the image of being reunited, and the sheer unfaltering happiness that comes with it, not only with spouses and such, but with family and friends too.

So, in a segway of sorts to the upcoming holiday, I am thankful for all of the loved ones in my life, family or otherwise, that I will reunite with this holiday season. The ones from New Zealand, Boston, Oklahoma, Arizona, DeSoto County, Jackson, (hopefully) Pennsylvania. I'm also thankful for the ones I won't be seeing this go around, but will hopefully see in the months after (I'm looking at you Florida). This doesn't even cover my Pharmacy people so spread out around this country that it makes me sad; I miss you all so much and wish you the happiest of holidays (our first without one another close by).

Absence does make the heart grow fonder. And the reuniting that much sweeter.

Peace and Blessin's y'all.

we don't have much room to live

So, as per usual, I have not been a very good blogger. A lot of things have been going on in my world. Some good, some bad, some great, but nonetheless I have been a busy little bee. So now I'm going to dive right back into this music challenge that's more than likely going to take me ten years to finish instead of 30 days. 

So the next one on the list is a song to drive to. I thought about this one more than the others, because my favorite time to listen to any music is when I'm driving, so narrowing this down to a single song proved to be difficult. But, fear not, I rose to the occasion and have decided up Konstantine by Something Corporate. 

And if I hurt you, then I'm sorry. Please don't think that this was easy.

If you remember my Andew McMahon post, then you'll recall that Something Corporate is his "first band." Konstantine is by far and wide my favorite SC song. It's beautiful. And it makes your heart sad and happy and nostalgic and all of the other feelings that exist. And it's almost ten minutes long. And it's basically perfection. And it's hard to appreciate fully unless you're all alone, without distraction and interruption…hence why it should be listened to in the car. 

I've been thinking that it hurts me thinking that these nights that we've been drinking, they never got us anywhere, no…

Breaking up, trying to let go, holding on, not being able to break old habits, having love in your heart that you can't really do anything with; that's what I hear when I hear Konstantine

It's to Jimmy Eat World and those nights in my car, when the first star you see may not be a star. I'm not your star.

It makes me think of something my friend Marya told me that her mom told her--something about having chemistry with someone is easy, the timing is the hard part. Timing. Timing. Timing. What a funny idea, what a funnily accurate observation. I think people have multiple soul mates and true loves, but it's finding yours at the right time that makes all of the difference. I know that's true now more than ever. And it doesn't mean that you love or care about any of those other loves any more or any less, it just wasn't quite right, which is no one's fault. It just wasn't enough.

It's not hard to dream--you'll always be my Konstantine. 

And you will. And I will.

And then you'd bring me home, 'cause we both know what it's like to be alone...