every chorus was your name

Have you ever wanted a song written about you, (in a good way, of course)? If you said no, get out, you robot. I often wonder what it would be like to to be the object of affection of someone like Scott or Seth Avett or even better, Chris Carrabba. And while that is not a reality for almost all of us, I could settle for someone dedicating any of the following to me:

1. The Luckiest--Ben Folds

I don't get many things right the first time. In fact, I am told that a lot. Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls, brought me here. 

All the broken hearts, all the sadness, all the uncertainty, will be a distant memory. The universe works in such an amazing way. Every experience you've ever had and every choice you've ever made has brought you to this moment, and you're exactly where you need to be.  

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it."

-Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)

And where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face? Now I see it everyday, and I know that I am, I am, I am, the luckiest. 

2. First Day of My Life--Bright Eyes

Yours is the first face that I saw. I think I was blind before I met you. 

And so I thought I'd let you know, that these things take forever, and I especially am slow. But I realize that I need you, and I wondered if I could come home.

Oh Conor Oberst, you really know how to tug on the heartstrings. I think it's precious that the video is made up of different couples' reactions to the song. Every time I hear it, it's like the first time. It's just so beautiful. 

So if you want to be with me, with these things there's no telling, so we'll have to wait and see. But I'd rather be working for a paycheck than waiting to win the lottery.

3. Swept Away (Sentimental Version)--The Avett Brothers

Well you send my life a whirling, darling when you're twirling on the floor. Who cares about tomorrow? What more is tomorrow, than another day? When you swept me away. 

This is one of my favorite Avett songs, and sadly, I have never seen them play this live. Maybe I'll get lucky and they'll play it in May when I see them at Hangout. This is the slower, simpler version of the song, definitely my preference. Plus Bonnie sings my favorite verse in the sentimental version:

Well, life is ever-changing, but I will always find a constant and comfort in your love. With your heart, my soul is bound, and as we dance, I know that heaven can be found. 


4. Sons and Daughters--Allman Brown & Liz Lawrence

And I will hold you tight, like the moon in the arms of the sky, and I, will keep you warm. I will build a fire in this house. And I'll build a fire, you fetch the water and I'll lay the table. And in our hearts, we still pray for sons and daughters

And I, I'll wrap myself around your heart. I'll be the walls of his heart. And I, I'll keep a light on, to call you back home. 

This was on an episode of a show I don't even watch, but after one listen, I was hooked. I have been obsessing over it since then. I love a good duet, and their voices just compliment one other so hauntingly well. I read that the song grew out of the first lyric (Liz wrote it, by the way). When I hear it, it makes me think of finding home in another a person, knowing that you're on your way to building a life together, a family together, but still taking your time and not rushing anything.

And it's all to come. For now we're still young, just building our kingdom. But it's all to come.

5. All of Me--John Legend

How many times do I have to tell you, even when you're crying, you're beautiful too? The world is beating you down. I'm around through every mood. You're my downfall; you're my muse, my worst distraction, my rhythm and blues. I can't stop singing, it's ringing, in my head for you.

If you haven't heard this song, you're obviously living under a rock. John Legend has been performing this on pretty much everything lately, and he can continue to do so. I can't get tired of it. This may be the most beautiful love song ever written. It's so real. The person you love should drive you insane and you should do the same, (to a reasonable extent), because if it's boring and easy and never challenging, how can you ever grow as a couple? Or as individuals? They should also bring out the best in you at the same time. It's a tricky, scary, exhausting thing, love. 

Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts, risking it all, though it's hard.

You're killing me John! I think it expresses exactly what we, or at least I, want from love. I think love should be selfless, and you should give yourself to that person, let down your defenses and love them even though it won't always be easy. Love isn't perfect, because we as human beings aren't perfect. My favorite things about people are often what are considered imperfections: scars, freckles, lines, cowlicks. It makes them unique, and a reminder that there is no such thing as perfection, that we're all a work in progress. We're all just waiting for that unconditional love; that person that knows all of our secrets and demons and loves us, not in spite of them, but because they are part of what makes us who we are, who they love.

'Cause all of me love, loves all of you. Love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections. Give your all to me; I'll give my all to you. You're my end and my beginning, even when I lose I'm winning.

I think I've only ever loved two people this way, and I don't think it'll ever be reciprocated with them. But that's okay, because I know one day it will, just with someone else. Then whenever I hear any of these songs, they'll be the only person that comes to mind.

'Cause I give you all of me, and you give me all of you. 

unconditionally

I only have two(ish) hours left before I'm 26, so I thought I'd use some of that time to recap the year that was twenty five. 

If you knew me at all a year ago, you know that I was in a terrible place this time last year. I was a shell of myself; I had let all of my dark overtake my light, and it felt like I'd never really be whole again. I was still running from everything in my past, and I was someone I didn't know. Or like. 

I moped around for months, gave up on fighting off my demons, and basically blamed the world for making me feel that way. Then I pulled a Katy Perry and decided that enough was enough:

I picked myself back up. I put one foot in front of the other, and I looked in the mirror, and decided to stay. 

Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way.

I started weeding out the negative people in my life, the people that somehow actually made me feel worse about myself. I used the time and energy I was wasting on those people to develop and grow the friendships that truly mattered. Once I sucked all the poison out of my life, my light came back. And then everything fell into place again. 

I want to have friends, that I can trust, that love me for the man that I am, and not the man that I was.

The latter part of my year was filled with self improvement physically. I ran a half marathon two weeks ago. This girl that couldn't run two miles six months ago, ran all 13.1 and actually finished in a decent time. I did something I've never done before: I did something for me and only me. And I felt something I haven't felt since graduating: pride in myself. And not just for completing the half, but for making that change. And I couldn't have done it without my friends and family. 

What do I do when my love is away? Does it worry you to be alone? How do I feel by the end of the day?Are you sad because you're on your own? No, I get by with a little help from my friends. 

This past weekend, I had the BEST birthday celebration of my life. I have never been more humbled, gracious, and happy. I was looking around at brunch, at the faces that traveled to see me, that dedicated their whole weekend to my sassy, demanding self, and I was overwhelmed. My 25th birthday was one of my darkest, and here I was, just 365 days later, and my 26th was turning out to be my brightest. And when my family showed up to my party that night, and I was surrounded by my friends and family, I realized how truly lucky I am. Some days I don't deserve it. I am demanding and bossy and loud and most of the time, I am a pain in the ass. But these people who spent the weekend with me don't care; they love me anyway.

"Opening your heart and being courageous and telling people that you care about them or like them or that you think they're special only makes you a better, bigger, kinder, softer, more loving person, and it only attracts more love into your life."

     -Amy Poehler

Loving my friends and family makes me a better version of myself, someone I'm proud of, someone I really like. I know I say "love you" a lot, and maybe it seems strange, but I don't care. I want the people I care about the most to know it. I have so much love to give, and I don't love anything with half of my heart. And now that I have picked the right people to pour that love into, I, in turn, have never felt so loved. 

If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected. Decide what to be and go be it. 

So, to this group of people that has shown me that I am enough, that I have light inside of me, that I am worthy of love, thank you. Thank you for not only this weekend, but for bringing me back. Thank you for accepting me without condition. 

Thank you for everything. 

Come just as you are to me. Don't need apologies. Know that you are worthy. I'll take your bad days with your good. Walk through the storm I would. I do it all because I love you.