i bruise just like anyone would bruise

"Music is such a personal thing, such a lucky thing. When a song hits you, if it catches you, the stars have to be aligned. If you hear it at the wrong time or at the wrong age, you’re never going to f****** get it" --Martin Freeman


I read this quote months ago, and it's been sitting in my drafts, just waiting to be posted, but I had to decide if I agreed with it or not.

I've decided. I do.

My example is actually an entire album: Manchester Orchestra's Simple Math. When it came out, I was completely apathetic to every song, save Virgin. I loved their previous work, but for some reason couldn't get into it. I dismissed it (creative differences, you know), and moved on with my musical life.

About three weeks ago Leave it Alone snuck up on me while I was getting ready for one thing or another and it floored me.

So take me or don't, a three hour drive and we got nowhere close...

You read what I wrote, but you tuned the sound out to make sure I know. Even though I can't see, I feel it's always haunting me, kicking out my feet, ruining everything.

I'm definitely in a better place than I was, but some days are so much harder than others. Everyone has their damage. Everyone has their demons. Everyone deals with them in a different way.

My way has so many flaws.

When I was a fire, I turned into ice, melting off my last feverish highs. And I leapt through the sunshine and into the night, singing songs of my healthiest fears.

My healthiest fear? Ending up alone. Letting this battle raging inside of me consume me and ruin the good things I have, which are plentiful. I want what everyone else wants. I need what everyone else needs. And I just have to remember that it's an okay thing to admit. It doesn't make me weak. It doesn't make me needy. It doesn't diminish all of my accomplishments. It only makes me human. (fightoffyourdemons, fightoffyourdemons, fightoffyourdemons).

Then there is Deer.

Half a year, and here you are again. I'd go out in public if nobody ever asked. I sit home and drink alone and hope that bottle speaks...like you, like us, like me.

I don't know what to do with me no more.

I really don't know what to do with me some days. I started my adult life a year ago, and I still don't know what I want. I still have yet to feel whole again.

Dear everyone I ever really knew, I acted like an asshole so I could keep my edge on you.

Well doesn't that line just hit home? I've posted about it before, the whole I'm trying to prove to everyone I need no one thing. I wish I could say I've made some progress in this, but I can't. I may even have more walls up than before, (letting them down, only to get crushed once again will do that to you).

But I'm hungry now, and the scraps are dirty dirt.

I've got to get it together.

Pale Black Eye

So hold on, you pale black eye, 'cause when I sleep, I sleep alone.

And if I don't get it together, that's the way it will always be. And it's not what I want.

fightoffyourdemons, fightoffyourdemons, fightoffyourdemons.





So take me or don't. I've built up this kingdom you'd hopefully loathe. 
If we end up alone, a plague on my head and a curse in my home....

anything could happen

I can't even call myself a blogger anymore; it's pathetic. I have two music festivals coming up in the next five weeks, so let's cross our fingers for more consistency. Are you dying laughing? (Me too).

So, what should I write about today? How about I just pick the five songs I can't get enough of this week. Good? Great!

Tessellate- alt-J

Triangles are my favorite shape. Three points where two lines meet. Toe to toe, back to back, let's go. My love, it's very late...

Mucho thanks to Chelsea for giving me the heads up on them. The album, An Awesome Wave, is just so damn sexy. I was in love at first listen. I flip back and forth between this song and Fitzpleasure as my favorite. But in this moment, Tessellate wins. I'm beyond elated about seeing them in NYC. Don't worry, I'll tell you all about it, (even it is a month after the fact).

...'Til morning comes, let's tessellate. 


Figure 8- Ellie Goulding

Still not too old to die young, but lovers hold on to anything, and lovers hold on to anything.

I feel like everyone has heard Anything Could Happen, but my favorite off of her new album Halcyon, is Figure 8. I thought Taylor's Red was going to be the break-up album of the year, but Ellie's kills hers. And it's so much less embarrassing for me to listen to. If you haven't made time to check it out yet, I suggest you find some.

I chase your love around a figure 8. I need you more than I can take. You promise forever and a day, and then you take it all away.


Not Quite Happiness- Good Old War

Each time I missed your face, I would come walking back to you, so scared. You said, 'What if we change all of our most unchangeable mistakes?"

I've posted about my love for Good Old War in the past, but this song must have slipped through the cracks. I can (and do) listen to it over and over. I think it's an interesting notion, to be in love but not to be happy, (less interesting, but more frequent is happy, but not in love). I guess either way, it's doomed to fall apart. I'm so upbeat!

Oh, missing everything, our hands were tied together. It was not quite happiness, just love, just love, just love.


Greatest Moments-Jessie Ware (feat. A$AP Rocky)

Two wrongs, no rights, we lose ourselves at night

Been there, done that. More than twice. I can definitely relate to this song. Depending on which end of the passion spectrum a couple is on, it can be a wonderful moment or a complete disaster. I suppose to make it work, it's all about balance? Let me know if this has actually worked for anyone, sans Chris Brown and Rihanna.

In the middle of it, we walk, we walk the line. Looking back, I miss it, our wildest moments. Are you thinking what if, what if we ruined it all? My wrecking ball.

You think you miss it, but you really don't. The good kind of passion is the best feeling on this planet, but the other kind, hard pass. Agony and high delight, two emotions you shouldn't be flip flopping back and forth between. So much work. So much insecurity. It's never worth it. and it never works. Or so I've heard...


Man on Fire-Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

Come dance with me, over heartache and rage. Come set us free, over panic and strange.

Oh Alex, I love you so. Something about his voice just sets my heart at ease. It's so soothing, it's warm honey. And besides that, who doesn't love a song about dancing, especially if there's no mention of booty, (just kidding; I love that stupid Booty Work song). But, really, this music, and this song especially, makes me want to throw on a Maxi skirt, put flowers in my unkempt hair, and dance by a bonfire, begging fairies to join me. If you've met me, you know this is the exact opposite of my normal behavior. Frolicking is for hippies! Yet when I listen to Edward Sharpe, I escape to my alter ego, Moonrain, and let my worries go for a bit.

I'm a man on fire, walking down your street, with one guitar and two dancing feet, only one desire that's left in me; I want the whole damn world to come and dance with me. 

Burn your bras, grab your tambourines, and join me, won't you?


Alright, that's all for tonight, rockstars. BSMF in two days, NYC in 5 weeks!



I know it's gonna be alright, but I don't think I need you.