but i can't wait

So, I had a completely different post planned for tonight. It was boring and mostly meaningless, just a post for the sake of saying I posted. Which is the worst kind of post, by the way. I hadn't really been inspired lately, and sequentially I wasn't impressed with the message I was posting forever to the internet.

But then I went to the Levitt Shell to catch my favorite local band (and actually climbing quickly up my list of favorite bands in general), Star & Micey. This was my third time seeing them, and I promise you they get better and better with every show. They're energetic, sincere, silly, and so incredibly talented. They are all the things that I love about Memphis.

I had the opportunity to introduce three people to them tonight, and they were not let down. In fact, they were very impressed (as they should have been). We then discussed how we really thought/hoped they would make it big. The country, nay, the world should get to experience the sheer delight we were privy to this evening.

While I was sitting there, warm breeze blowing, looking around at all the people thoroughly captivated by the show happening in front of them, there was only one thing I could think of--that stupid guy from LA that bashed my city during playoffs.

I know, what a waste of time, thinking about that hateful man with zero insight to anything about Memphis. But my thoughts weren't sad or angry; they were smug. I imagined he was sitting at home, or stuck in traffic, unvaccinated, aging from the very negativity that runs in his veins, and we were all coming together as a community, supporting our city, enjoying music made right here at home. And then a feeling of pride and warmth spread over me, the smugness melted away and I pushed that idiot out of my mind. He doesn't know a damn thing.

The band covered I Won't Back Down, (my favorite, by the way), and it seemed only appropriate for this city I love so much. People have always counted Memphis out, writing negative stories and not giving her a real chance. But we are a resilient bunch. We don't let it get to us. We know all the good things Memphis has to offer, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

And I'll keep this world from dragging me down, gonna stand my ground, and I won't back down.

So to wrap up, go see Star & Micey the next chance you get. I promise you won't be disappointed. They're truly one of the most talented bands I've ever seen, (those harmonies--swoon). They have the powerful presence during shows that fuels my love of the Avett Brothers, and they are a shining example of why I am so proud to call Memphis my home.

I will be seeing them in Jackson, MS next Saturday, and I encourage you to join me. And if you do happen to catch their show, try not to fall in love with them. I dare you.

elevate it in a song

All you need is love, love, love

Despite working Friday and Sunday, it was a good weekend. I was fortunate enough to see some wonderful people I hadn't seen in a very long time, and I got to see an amazing couple get married. I couldn't help but let myself start to feel a tiny optimistic watching them exchange vows and seeing their first dance. They are so in love with each other. They are so grateful for one another. It gave me hope.

Love is all you need

On a less romantic comedy esque note, I've been trying to be more productive on my days off. I made all of my meals on Thursday (this is HUGE for me), and I've been getting back in to a regular work out routine. I used to dread the idea of working out, but now I look forward to it. And I'm not running 8 miles a day or dominating CrossFit, but I'm bettering my mind and body, clearing my head if only for an hour a day.

While out on a long walk by the river, the sun was setting, creating the most breathtaking sky I've seen in quite a while, and I felt peace for a few, brief moments. And for those few moments, I actually believed the mantra I've been feeding myself for the past months; that it's all going to be okay. I may still be sad and lost and unsure, but it's going to be okay. It's rough right now, but it's going to get better.

But if my word is to be true, life is something to behold. But if the truth is to be told, let us not leave out any part. Do not fear; it's safe to say it here. You will not be weakling, nor a fraud, for feeling the pain of the whole wide world. 

A friend and I played around with the idea of training for a half marathon taking place this February, and I've never really seriously considered such nonsense, but the more we talked about it, the more excited I became. I have been researching training programs and reading personal testimonies from first timers. I even made the mistake of getting on runDisney, and my heart nearly exploded in excitement. And it's genuine, for the first time ever. I expressed this to my friend and she said something that made sense, "Of course. It will be our distraction from everything else in life that we can't control."

Life feels hard right now, and the simplicity of running (the actual foot in front of the other part), is exactly what I need. These are plans that I can make, and the only one who can break them is me. The only one that can disappoint me is me. And I'm not going to let me down.

You want to help, but can't help the feeling you cannot. And it's killing you while you're just trying to smile from your heart. So go on, say it, on the same knees you're praying. Yes, life is hard.

And it's going to be okay.

It's getting lost and getting found, to growing up and getting 'round. It's feeling silence, feeling sound. It's feeling lonely, feeling full. It's feeling oh, so beautiful...

through the darkness, guided by a beating heart

I know it can't be much of an update, but I feel obligated to write again.

Being an adult is hard, and harder in all the ways I thought it would be easier. I thought I'd have it figured out by now, or at the very least, more figured out than I do. Which is not at all. People keep saying that I'm not supposed to at this point in my life, but when it feels like everyone else around me does, it's confusing. And heartbreaking. Can't I just skip to the part where I don't feel like every decision I make is a step backwards?

They tell me I'm too young to understand. They say I'm caught up in a dream. Well, life will pass me by if I don't  open up my eyes. 

Well, that's fine by me. 

I've spent most of my time outside of work these past few days alone, just thinking about what I want, and I've come to the conclusion that I don't have a clue. The more I think about it, the more it stresses me out, and the less answers I seem to have. I have always thought I needed a solid life plan, that that was the key to my happiness. But the truth is, plans and me don't work; plans fall apart, leaving me emptier than I thought possible. This isn't a new life lesson. It's just new to mine. 

I tried carrying the weight of the world, but I only have two hands. Hope I get the chance to travel the world, but I don't have any plans. 

So my new plan, for now, is to stop making plans. I just need to take time for me, and the people that mean the most to me, focus on the now, and once I can do that, and I mean really do that, then I know everything will fall into place. Wait, that's a plan. I'm really not good at this. 

So wake me up when it's all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older. 

Unfortunately, there's no fast forward button to skip this phase of uncertainty and chaos. But wouldn't it be nice to know that at 32, I will be a real, functioning adult that doesn't make self-destructive decisions on an almost daily basis? A girl can dream, but probably shouldn't dwell. I'm just going to have to be a twenty-something for now, learning from my mistakes and moving forward, however lost I might feel all of the time. 

All this time I was finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost.

it's a little bit of everything

It's been almost two months since my last post, and it's not from lack of trying. I've sat down at least five times to write in the past weeks, and it never feels right. I give up and wait for my next days off to try again. I think I was hoping things would change, and the post would never even need to be written. Sadly, that's not the case.

It's the mountains
It's the fog
It's the news at six o' clock 
It's the death of my first dog
It's the angels up above me
It's the song that they don't sing
It's a little bit of everything

It's been a hard two months.

It's not your eyes. It's not what you say. It's not your laughter, that gives you away. You're just lonely. You've been lonely, too long.

That's my confession. I feel like a failure admitting it, but I'm lonely. I'm not alone, but I am lonely. And it's been a part of me for so long now, that I don't remember exactly when the feeling started, but it's escalated this summer. And I've clearly avoided dealing with it. All I've done is drag others into my mess, and to those people, I'm sorry.

I feel my demons, misleading me...

I'm not fighting my demons like I said I was. I'm only replacing them with new demons. And it has to stop. I'm turning into someone I don't like. Again.

The kids and the wife life, but can't wake up from the night life. I'm so scared of my demons, I go to sleep with a nightlight.

So, I'm going to use this fall, (my favorite of the seasons), to get real with myself, slow down, take some time to get back to center, to stop running.

I, I always believed in futures. I hope for better in November.

I don't think I'm lonely because I'm not in a relationship; I think I'm lonely because I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost sight of almost everything, and I need to get it back now.

And I'm going to use the new Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros album as my soundtrack.

I've seen better days, dripping down your face. We don't have to talk; let's dance. For all the times you felt alone, dreaming better, I see better, better days.

Try to remember, that you can't forget. Down with history, up with your head. For a sweet tomorrow, she never fell from grace. We might still know sorrow, but we got better days.

I'm not using this post as a means to make people feel sorry for me, or anything like that. I just needed to admit it out loud (er, sort of), to at least one person, so that it's real. And so that maybe I can get some control back in my own life.


Just know that every time I look in your eye, I see better, I see better, better days.