the stars are brightly shining

Okay, it's officially starting to feel like Christmas, so it's time for a post reflecting that.

Let me just say, I LOVE CHRISTMAS MUSIC.

Seriously, sometimes I start listening in September. It's just some of the most uplifting, fill your heart with warmth, smile from ear to ear kind of music. And though I'm not very religious, I appreciate all kinds of Christmas music from the playful Jingle Bell Rock to the eloquent God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.

I don't understand people that hate Christmas music. It's like hating puppies. Or Harry Potter. It's just not normal.

Here are some of my favorites:

Baby, It's Cold Outside
Ever since my beloved Zooey sang it in Elf, it has been in my top ten. I know it's not necessarily a Christmas song, (I don't think anything related to Christmas is ever actually mentioned), but it's still fun and it makes me happy.

What Christmas Means To Me.
I see your smiling face, like I've never seen before. And though I love you madly, it seems I love you more.

Love, love, love. It always makes me want to dance around and sing at the top of my lungs, (which I refrain from for the most part--you're welcome). And I'm not going to lie, I prefer the Hanson version. Sue me, (though the Stevie Wonder version isn't too shabby either)

Good King Wenceslas
Good message, excellent linguistics style. I remember memorizing this in the fifth grade as part of our learning about Victorian Era Christmas. It's stayed with me since and I always look forward to hearing it this time of year.

Carol of the Bells
I mean really, how can you not like this song?


And now for my all-time favorite song of the season:

O Holy Night
Not only one of my favorite Christmas songs, it's one of my favorite songs overall. It doesn't matter how bad of a day, how angry or sad I am about something, this song can always brings me back. I feel instant warmth and happiness wash over me when I listen to it. It's beautiful, so pure and calming.

Fall on your knees, oh hear the angel voices. Oh night, divine...Oh night, when Christ was born.

Merry Christmas, y'all.

this is my kingdom come

I'm in a weird place right now...

I was going to do a holiday themed post, but it just doesn't feel like the holidays yet, so you're getting a hodge podge of all the songs I'm digging right now that aren't Taylor Swift's 'All Too Well.'

Ghosts That We Knew--Mumford & Sons
So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light, 'cause oh that gave me such a fright. But I will hold as long as you like, just promise me we'll be alright.

Can anyone promise that? Is forever truly attainable? Am I a cynic? I don't think that's the point M&S were trying to make, but that's all I hear. So if I don't know if I can believe in forever, how long can I really hold on? Jesus, I'm toxic.

But the ghosts that we knew made us black and all blue, but we'll live a long life. 

And the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view and we'll live a long life.

I really hope so. My arms are already tired.


Angels--the XX
LOVE this album, one the best of the year. I thought Sunsets would be my favorite song on it, but Angels snuck up on me I've changed allegiances. It's a simple love song, and it's absolutely gorgeous.

And with words unspoken, a silent devotion. I know you know what I mean and the end is unknown, but I think I'm ready as long as you're with me.


Love is Greed--Passion Pit
My Passion Pit obsessions come in spurts. I have no idea why I'm so fixated on this song at the moment to be honest, but I'm okay with it.

Don't want to love, don't wanna hurt. If all that loneliness requires is just another's comfort. Better off being a lonely road, 'cause there's beauty in being alone.

While I don't completely agree with this, there is a ring of truth in the words...

Love is just greed and it's almost taken me.


I For You--The All American Rejects.
I just saw them for the second time last night, and I was once again impressed. They have such a great energy and honestly, the show was just a really fun time, a much needed distraction. It only half worked because in prep, I've been listening to their newest work, and this song won't leave my head.

Was I good enough? Was I bad enough? When I wanted more, yeah, you had enough. But nobody's gonna try for you. Nobody's gonna do like I for you.

I don't feel like that's a stretch either. When it comes to liking pretty much anything, I don't half-ass it. I really love it. Friends, boyfriends, books, fandoms. When I commit, I commit. And so to feel like you're trying your hardest to show that love and getting barely half in return is disheartening and it makes you feel about five inches tall. Maybe I should take a page form Phil Dunphy's book and set my expectations lower, so the disappointment isn't so crushing.

Somebody's getting by for you. I don't bend, I just break in two. Somebody like me, I'd die for you.


Demons--Imagine Dragons
I didn't intend on jumping on this bandwagon, but it happened. And I'm so glad it did.

Don't want to let you down, but I am hell bound. Though this is all for you, don't want to hide the truth. No matter what we breed, we still are made of greed.

I told you I was in a weird place.

It's where my demons hide.

down the stairs, i was there

Curse you, Taylor Swift.

I'm mostly apathetic about her music; it's just not my thing. She has some catchy stuff, but I don't generally go out of my way to listen to her (and I HATE that Never Getting Back Together song...so much). But things change. I recently downloaded her album Red for a friend, and I thought I'd give it a try, just to see. I wasn't clawing my ears off, and I also wasn't hitting repeat. Until I stumbled across All Too Well.

Holy. Feelings.

It's like she's in my head or something, or maybe she's roughly my age and she just happens to be able to put into song all the things that we as young girls in love tend to feel and think. Maybe.

Definitely.

The autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place, and I can picture it after all these days.  And I know it's long gone, and that magic's not here no more, and I might be okay, but I'm not fine at all.

Double negative aside, I really couldn't have said it better myself.

And I know it's long gone, and there was nothing else I could do, and I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to.

Seriously, who told her? I mean, had this song come out this time last year, I would have immediately lost it, as I almost did Sunday night when I heard it for the first time. I can't stop listening to it; I'm hypnotized by its truth. It hits too close to home. I just...I can't.

Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,  but maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up. 

Running scared, I was there. I remember it all too well. 

It's amazing the memories you hold on to, the smells, the touches, the words, the way that smile hit the light just right, the feeling of being complete in that moment, the sheer happiness, the hope for the future, then the gut wrenching feeling of the end, the tears, the loss of all of your plans. I definitely remember it all too well.

You call me up again to just to break me like a promise, so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

That may be my favorite line of the song.

'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so, back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known. It was rare, I was there. I remember it all too well.

And that's the best part, the past tense of it all. Though I'm no longer in that place anymore, and that's but a closed chapter, it doesn't make the words any less haunting, any less true, any less vivid. I got punched in the mouth once, so out of the blue, that I didn't even realize I was in a fight. That's what this song is, it's being punched before you can even realize what's happening. Then you're feeling so many things you've tried to forget that you fear you might explode, and the only thing you can do is push repeat.

But it's done. It's a memory. And when I have exhausted all of those feelings I put on Begin Again, and I'll leave you with the place I'm at now:

And you throw you head back laughing like a little kid. I think it's strange that you think I'm funny 'cause he never did. 

I've been spending the last eight months, thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end. But on a Wednesday in a cafe, I watched it begin again..

i'm but a clean man, a stable and alone man

Also doubling as one of my top five favorite songs, I Can Feel a Hot One by Manchester Orchestra wins this day's music challenge of a song that makes you think about life.

It's one of the few songs, as I've mentioned before, that always gives me  chills when I listen to it. I am forever indebted to my friend TC for opening my ears to this gem.  

I remember head down, after you found out. Manna is a hell of a drug. I need a little more I think because enough is never quite enough. What's enough?

It's a song I often make people listen to in its entirety,  and I don't allow talking while it's playing. 

I took it like a grown man, crying on the pavement, hoping you would show your face. I haven't heard a thing you've said in at least a couple hundred days, what'd you say?

When I hear that particular line, I often picture a car crash that involves the singer's wife. He's distraught; the person he loves could be dying and he doesn't know how to make it better. It's the type of man I want to love me. It's the type of love that I want. Does that make me slightly morbid? Who knows? I'm unconcerned. 

I was in the front seat, shaking it out, and I was asking if you felt alright. I never want to hear the truth. I want to hear your voice is sounding fine, my voice is sounding fine. 

Only solidifying the picture made in my mind. 

And I could feel my heartbeat taking me down and for the moment I would sleep alright. Invading with a selfish fear to keep me up another restless night, another restless night. 

But why is he so heartbroken? Did he do this? WHAT IS GOING ON? All I know is that at the point in the song, I am experiencing all of the feelings related to love and sadness and loss and life and pain and survival.

The blood was dry, it was sober, the feeling of audible cracks. And I could tell it was over by the curtains that hung from your neck. And realized then you were perfect, with my teeth ripping out of my head, and it looked like a painting I once knew back when my thoughts were not entirely intact.

A line that will forever remain engrained in my head: And I realized then you were perfect with my teeth ripping out of my head...What imagery, what lyricism, what beauty. 

So I prayed for what I thought were angels, ended up being ambulances, and the Lord showed me dreams of my daughter, she was crying inside your stomach. And I felt love...again. 

And a love song that I thought was about death and dying turned about to be about new life. A twist, the Prestige if you will, finely crafted, and delivered impeccably. Andy Hull and company forever have my respect and admiration because of this song (their other stuff is fantastic, but this song just stays with me always).

I recently read somewhere on the internet (so take this with a grain of salt) that the song was written as a coping mechanism of being away from his girlfriend/wife while on tour with the band. I don't know if that's true, but now I listen to the song with a different perspective: being away from the one you love, missing them so much that it hurts. But it also brings the image of being reunited, and the sheer unfaltering happiness that comes with it, not only with spouses and such, but with family and friends too.

So, in a segway of sorts to the upcoming holiday, I am thankful for all of the loved ones in my life, family or otherwise, that I will reunite with this holiday season. The ones from New Zealand, Boston, Oklahoma, Arizona, DeSoto County, Jackson, (hopefully) Pennsylvania. I'm also thankful for the ones I won't be seeing this go around, but will hopefully see in the months after (I'm looking at you Florida). This doesn't even cover my Pharmacy people so spread out around this country that it makes me sad; I miss you all so much and wish you the happiest of holidays (our first without one another close by).

Absence does make the heart grow fonder. And the reuniting that much sweeter.

Peace and Blessin's y'all.

we don't have much room to live

So, as per usual, I have not been a very good blogger. A lot of things have been going on in my world. Some good, some bad, some great, but nonetheless I have been a busy little bee. So now I'm going to dive right back into this music challenge that's more than likely going to take me ten years to finish instead of 30 days. 

So the next one on the list is a song to drive to. I thought about this one more than the others, because my favorite time to listen to any music is when I'm driving, so narrowing this down to a single song proved to be difficult. But, fear not, I rose to the occasion and have decided up Konstantine by Something Corporate. 

And if I hurt you, then I'm sorry. Please don't think that this was easy.

If you remember my Andew McMahon post, then you'll recall that Something Corporate is his "first band." Konstantine is by far and wide my favorite SC song. It's beautiful. And it makes your heart sad and happy and nostalgic and all of the other feelings that exist. And it's almost ten minutes long. And it's basically perfection. And it's hard to appreciate fully unless you're all alone, without distraction and interruption…hence why it should be listened to in the car. 

I've been thinking that it hurts me thinking that these nights that we've been drinking, they never got us anywhere, no…

Breaking up, trying to let go, holding on, not being able to break old habits, having love in your heart that you can't really do anything with; that's what I hear when I hear Konstantine

It's to Jimmy Eat World and those nights in my car, when the first star you see may not be a star. I'm not your star.

It makes me think of something my friend Marya told me that her mom told her--something about having chemistry with someone is easy, the timing is the hard part. Timing. Timing. Timing. What a funny idea, what a funnily accurate observation. I think people have multiple soul mates and true loves, but it's finding yours at the right time that makes all of the difference. I know that's true now more than ever. And it doesn't mean that you love or care about any of those other loves any more or any less, it just wasn't quite right, which is no one's fault. It just wasn't enough.

It's not hard to dream--you'll always be my Konstantine. 

And you will. And I will.

And then you'd bring me home, 'cause we both know what it's like to be alone...

down with the shine

SLACKER ALERT.

I have sucked it up big time lately, my apologies, but to say I have been busy is an understatement. Since my last post, I've gone on a company trip, went on a mini trip with one of my best friends to a city we've talked about going to for ages, saw the movie Looper, hit a few bars, saw some lovely people, AND I got to see Silversun Pickups and The Avett Brothers.

Let's start with SSPUs:
Originally, I wasn't going to go see them because of work, but Marya convinced me to go, and I am so glad that I did. It was fantastic. The crowd was polite, the music was phenomenal (including Atlas Genius and Cloud Nothings), and the company was the cherry on top. They even played my one of my favorite songs: The Royal We.

It's everything that is connected and beautiful and now I know just where I stand. 

And now to my boys, The Avett Brothers. I never thought I would love this band this much, but they are just beyond words. They are everything that music should be. This is the fourth time I've seen them since last May, and I'm starting to think I have my first addiction. 

They played a good deal of songs from The Carpenter, including the ever lovely February Seven 

I went on the search for something true. I was almost there when I found you. 

And again, they played my absolute favorite song of theirs: Laundry Room. I hate that my Amy couldn't be there to fully appreciate it with me, but I called her and let her listen, which was almost as good. 

So, like I said, this was my fourth time seeing them, and as I have told anyone who will listen (and even those who won't), they only get better every time I see them. I thought nothing could top their Tupelo performance, but this past one, was one for the books. The weather was perfect, and thanks to my friend Marcus, we had third row seats. I couldn't have asked for a better concert. 

They're so energetic, so real, so humble, so gracious, so gorgeous, and of course incredibly talented. 

If you've never seen them and you even remotely like them, go see them live. It's worth it. If it's not your type of music and you've never really heard any of their stuff, still go see them. You will not be disappointed. And when you decide to go, invited me, because I'll never get tired of hearing them play. 

And as always:

If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected;

decide what to be and go be it.

i feel my heart start beating to my favorite song(s)

Well, so much for being a more consistent blogger.

So, for now I'm going to do four days' worth of the 30 day music challenge tonight, and hopefully I'll get to the other three tomorrow night.


3. A song that reminds of you of summertime.

So for this particular summer: National Anthem by Lana Del Rey.
Red, white, blues in the skies. Summer's in the air and baby heaven's in your eyes. Tell me I'm your national anthem.

The irony would be that I was in fact, no one's national anthem.


4. A song that reminds you of someone you'd rather forget about
Oh, I'll just narrow that down to every song ever written about love and/or heartbreak.

Evening Kitchen by Band of Horses.
My god, don't you hold out your hand. I called off my plans. I counted on you, on you..

I'm so ready to see them live.

And if you're ever left with any doubt, what you live with and what you'll do without. I'm only sorry that it took so long to figure out.

And I am sorry that it took me so long to see the real you, the ugly you. But now I can see that I can do without you, it's just the forgetting that I am waiting on.


5. A song that needs to be played on LOUD.
First of all, any song by the Black Keys. But, for the purposes of this post, I'm going to go with Blue Orchid by The White Stripes.

 You took a white orchid, you took a white orchid and turned it blue

How dare you? How old are you now, anyway?

I just want this song to play whenever I enter the room. It's so raw and powerful and for some reason makes me confident in myself. So, I play it with the volume all the way up in my car, and I feel like a badass.


6. A song that makes you want to dance. 
This was a two way tie between Dirty Diana by Michael Jackson and Chelsea Dagger by The Fratellis.

Chelsea, Chelsea, I believe that when you're dancing slowly sucking your sleeve, that all the boys get lonely after you leave. And it's one for the dagger, and another for the one you believe. 

The Fratellis are an amazing band, and all of their songs are so catchy and fun, but this one really gets me moving, especially in the car.

Dirty Diana is just harder to dance to in a car.


Alright, that does it for this one. There's a lot of great new music out, so until next time, check out any or all of the following: Push and Shove (No Doubt), The Carpenter (The Avett Brothers), Mirage Rock (Band of Horses), Battle Born (The Killers), Babel (Mumford & Sons), Coexist (the xx).


 I turn the music up; I'm on a roll this time.

the B-list

Alright, in an attempt to shake things up a bit and keep it interesting, I found this 30 day music challenge on tumblr, (http://mkmcanin.tumblr.com), and thought I'd give it a whirl. 

I'm going to try not to repeat any songs from the soundtrack post I did in April. 

Here's the list:

1. A song you like with a colour in the title

2. A song you like with a number in the title

3. A song that reminds you of summertime

4. A song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about

5. A song that needs to be played LOUD

6. A song that makes you want to dance

7. A song to drive to

8. A song about drugs or alcohol

9. A song that makes you happy

10. A song that makes you sad

11. A song that you never get tired of

12. A song from your preteen years

13. One of your favourite 80’s songs

14. A song that you would love played at your wedding

15. A song that has been covered by another artist

16. One of your favourite classical songs

17. A song that would sing a duet with on karaoke

18. A song from before you were born

19. A song that makes you think about life

20. A song that has many meanings to you

21. A favourite song with a person’s name in the title

22. A song that moves you forward

23. A song that you think everybody should listen to

24. A song by a band you wish were still together

25. A song by an artist no longer living

26. A song that makes you want to fall in love

27. A song that breaks your heart

28. A song by an artist with a voice that you love

29. A song that you remember from your childhood

30. A song that reminds you of yourself

So, since I started this on my tumblr yesterday, you'll get them both today.  

So, for number 1: 

Dark Blue--Jack's Mannequin

This night's a perfect shade of dark blue, dark blue. Have you ever been alone in a crowded room? When I'm here with you, I said the world could be burning down. 

aaaaaaaand for number 2: 

9 Crimes--Damien Rice

Leave me out with the waste; this is not what I do. It's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you. It's the wrong time for somebody new. It's a small crime, and I've got no excuse.

This song is amazing. There really isn't much more to say. 

So, there were three other contenders for this one, so I think in the future I'll have a "number in the title" themed post. Runners up: 23--Jimmy Eat World (I already posted about this one), 3rd Planet--Modest Mouse, 33--Coheed and Cambria

I give my gun away when it's loaded. If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it?

Is that alright, is that alright, is that alright with you?

No...

tears and rain

Bittersweet memories, that is all I'm taking with me...

I was in the shower, listening to Left and Leaving by The Weakerthans, when all of the air in my lungs decided to disappear. I was having an anxiety or panic attack, what have you, (something I haven't experienced since my sophomore year of college when physics didn't make any sense to me).

One minute I was shampooing my hair, the next I was gasping for air.

Then I was sobbing uncontrollably. Why you may ask? Guilt. Overwhelming and paralyzing guilt.

Wait for the year to drown, spring forward and fall back down. I'm trying not to wonder where you are.

Those words played over the speakers and I couldn't breathe anymore. My choices fully caught up with me in that moment and I felt sorry, so incredibly sorry. And awful. And wretched. And I felt all the pain that I must have caused you. And it swallowed me and I just collapsed in a breathless heap of shame.

And I'm still driving away, and I'm sorry everyday.

I was cold. I was terrified. I was selfish

It wasn't intended. It wasn't easy. It wasn't fair.

And I am so very sorry. You were the last person to deserve what I did. There are so many things I wish I'd done differently. I shouldn't have shut you out. I shouldn't have let it get as far as it did. But as I established in my previous post, I'm a coward, not half as strong as I'm always pretending to be. You already knew that didn't you? You were singing that lyric to me that day, weren't you?

If you're as tough as your defenses, then let them fall.

I'm not tough, and I'm not strong. I miss you everyday, but I still stand by my decision. Just know that when I think about everything I put you through, the sadness cripples me. I wish I could have made it hurt less or not at all, but I can't change the past. I punish myself for it daily, and the only thing I can say is 'I'm sorry.' And I am, times a thousand, times a million.

'Cause you're afraid to find out all the hope you had sent into the sky by now had crashed, and it did, because of me.

I hate the person I was and somedays I still I am, this monster I feel like I've become.  And I hope you find someone worthy of your love, which I was not. I wish you all of the happiness in the world, even if some days, it costs me my own.

I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this, like every inch of me is bruised

all these things that i have done

I thought this past weekend would give me a much needed vacation from my life in Memphis. I have barely left the city and surrounding area since May, so I thought even a quick jaunt to Jackson and Oxford could provide a small break in the monotony.

I loaded up my iPod with a nice mix of old and new to keep me company. As always, every single song took me to another time, another memory, another heartbreak, another smile. I had 6 hours of Melanie and music time to try and work through them all and clear my head of all the things that are weighing me down and here I am, more confused than ever.

I still don't know what it is that I want. I'm still so lost.

I know that starting over is not what life's about, but my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.

I want to rebuild, move away, start over, to escape all of the things that haunt me here. I can't seem to shake these demons. I go through spurts where I think I've overpowered them, but they always catch up and I'm getting so tired of fighting them off.

Just because I'm hurting, doesn't mean I'm hurt, doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved, no better, no worse

And I act like I am so innocent, but I'm not. I've made my fair share of mistakes and hurt the people I love the most, so I maybe it's karma. But when is it enough? I don't want to be confined to the prison I've built for myself anymore. I'm tired of feeling guilty. The universe forgets that it broke me a long time ago, and I'm still picking up pieces.

No, no, that's me blaming someone else for my transgressions and though there might be a little truth to it, it's cowardly, and I don't want to be a coward. Not anymore.

If you can hold on, hold on

So, I've got to stop running. Running from high school to college to work to possibly a new city, without taking a second to really deal with my pain.

The weight of lies will bring you down, and follow you to every town, 'cause nothing that happens here doesn't happen there. 

A new life doesn't erase the old one. A new city doesn't change the things happened here. I need to fix me and this hurt I'm dragging around before I can really start to change my future. If I don't, I can keep running, but it'll always catch up to me and take me to this dark place where I am now. I don't want to be a sad little girl anymore. I  want to fight for real this time, get this anvil off of my chest and heart. I want to be able to keep them at bay (some things can never be fully eradicated--they will always be a part of you). I want to be able to have the life and love I've always wanted, but never really believed I deserved.

I just don't know how.

So when you run, make sure you run to something and not away, because lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you down.

and i let go, so dishonestly

Choose your last words; this is the last time...

I had a completely different post planned for tonight, but I'm not quite ready to share that one with the world. I shared it with the one person that needed to read it the most, so for now, that is enough for me. 

So instead, I'm going to let the Lumineers speak for me. 

She'll lie and steal and cheat

And beg you from her knees,

Make you think she means it this time. 

She'll tear a hole in you, 

The one you can't repair, 

But I still love her, 

I don't really care. 

It took all of 30 seconds to decide this would be my favorite song of theirs

It's better to feel pain, 

Than nothing at all.

The opposite of love's indifference. 

I am so in love with that line, it's unreal. 

So pay attention now, 

I'm standing your porch, screaming out

And I won't leave until you come downstairs

Pay attention now. I'm screaming for you to hear me out, so I can tell you all of the things I've never had the guts to say, (And I guess by blogging about it passive aggressively, I'm still don't have any).  I need you to listen, really listen. I need you to listen and understand, so I can let it all go. 

I don't blame you, dear, 

for running like you did all these years.

I would do the same, you best believe. 

And I really would. You need to know that you're important to me, and you always will be. And that I don't blame you. For anything. 

But as soon as I press post, all of the memories will remain, but the weight of it all will be gone. It took me so much longer than I wanted, than I pretended, but I think it's time. Finally. After this posts, we're on the same playing field. And maybe we can start a different book instead of a new chapter. And maybe not; that's okay too. I did what I needed to do, said what I needed to say, (both through my own words and others), and now I can breathe a tiny bit easier. 

...because you and I, we were born to die

fight off your demons

Sometimes I really love a long drive. Sometimes I don't, but sometimes I do. I had to drive to Jackson, TN to work this week, so to get me through the boring trip on 40-E, I put on my comfort music: Brand New.

Brand New is my absolute favorite band to listen to in the car. For short trips, I just throw my iPod on shuffle, not really caring which song out of my impeccable musical library may come on next, but for the longer trips, I rely on Jesse Lacey's genius to get me where I'm going. 

So, the time has come, then, for a post dedicated to one of my top three favorite bands. 

Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades

The tickle, the taste of..it used to be the reason I breathed, but now it's choking me up, (die young and save yourself). 

This was the first Brand New song I ever heard. I saw the video on Fuse one afternoon and from the one song, thought, "Hey, that's a band that I could get in to." And get in to, I did. I quickly obtained Your Favorite Weapon and Deja Entendu, and they have remained one of my favorite bands since. 

Luca 

No one can save you now, unless you have friends among fish. There'll still be no air to breathe. You could drink up the entire ocean; I'll still find someone to be everything we know that you'll never be.

This song is from The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me, which was recorded (at least partially), in Oxford, MS. I distinctly remember my friend Elizabeth handing me this CD in Honors Chemistry my freshman year of college. I was instantly hooked. I had almost forgotten about this amazing band, but Elizabeth saved me.

They were getting better with time.

Play Crack the Sky
What they call love is a risk, 'cause you will always get hit out of nowhere by some wave and end up on your own.

Okay, so they're not the most uplifting band, but I don't mind.

I know that this is what you want; a funeral will keep both of us apart. You know that you are not alone; need you like water in my lungs.

I just love that last line. After an oddly themed google image search, it would appear that is the most tattooed Brand New lyric to date. It wouldn't be my first choice, but to each his own.

Soco Amaretto Lime
Off their first album, Your Favorite Weapon, I rocked out to this many nights after getting off at Old Navy. It takes me back to the smell of my old Accord and the thrill of that first summer/fall of having a car, cheerleading practices and trying to get over those first loves, (still working on that one).

You're spending all your nights growing old in your bed and it's all been said. And you're tearin' up your photos 'cause you want to forget...it's over. We're the coolest kids and we take what we can get. 

You're just jealous because we're young and in love.

At the Bottom
And there's a lake, and at the bottom you'll find all my friends. They don't swim because they're all dead. We never are what we intend or invent. 

When my brother and I went to Paris in 2010, we went to the Catacombs, (which is by far the coolest thing we did there). Many stories beneath the one of the greatest cities in the world, the bones of so many strangers are stacked ever so neatly, skulls facing out. When I walked in to that first damp, poorly lit dungeon of a room, At the Bottom immediately started playing in my head, and now consequently, this image pops into my head whenever I hear it.

Now I associate it with the idea that nothing is permanent, that everything has an ending, and that life goes on regardless of change, sadness, death, and destruction. That and the smell of crepes. 

So, that's Brand New 101. I hope you love them as much as I do. 

Some men die under the mountain just looking for gold. Some die looking for a hand to hold.

angels. airwaves.

If I had my own world, I'd build you an empire


It's time for a little background on the name of this blog. I know, I know, you've been dying to know, so without further ado, here it is:

Secret Crowds by Angels & Airwaves

If I had my own world, I'd love it for all that's inside it. There'd be no more wars, deaths or riots

If I had my own world, I'd show you the life that's inside it, the way that it glows  when you find it, the way it survives with its families, friends or its enemies.


I don't particularly know why this song speaks to me so much. Of course, I think families and friends and such are essential for a happy life. And I'm all for a more peaceful world, but I'm also a realist that understands that utopia doesn't exist and wars are needed to maintain order (to an extent). So, what is it?

Let me feel you, carry you higher, watch our words spread hope like fire.

To me, it's more about finding peace within yourself, which is an important and attainable thing. To those who have found it, I am envious. I feel like I'm close, but then the fact that I'm even talking/thinking/analyzing about it only proves that I'm not. That's really neither here nor there as far as this particular post is concerned. I fell in love with this song because of one line, the one that that lends this blog its name. It's the one soon to be permanently inked on my body. It's four simple words that I want to live my life by. It's the constant reminder to love and not carry around negativity. It's my rock.



If I had my own world, I'd build you an empire, from here to the far lands, to spread love like violence.

blame it on my ADD, baby

Okay, upon late night perusing of my favorite sites, (Buzzfeed, Tumblr, and sometimes Reddit), I came across the link for the Billboard 50 Sexiest Songs.

It's all wrong. All wrong.

I mean, I can joke about Ray J's Sexy Can I being my jam all day long, but to actually make a list, THIS list, is just asinine.

Wild Thing by Tone Loc? These people can't be serious. These songs are jokes, written to invoke laughter and ironic white guy dancing. They aren't being for real, guys!

Okay, so about half of the list consists of Donna Summer, and maybe I can see one or two, but last time I checked it was 2012 and they have actually made new music since the disco era. Crazy.

I feel like the list was actually "50 Songs You Wish They'd Stop Playing at Weddings,"  and someone thought it'd be hilarious to re-name it the sexiest songs. SERIOUSLY, Akon feat. Eminem's Smack That and an R. Kelly song made the list. This is what's wrong with America. These things are not sexy.

Songs that I'm not entirely confused as to why they made the list: Love in This Club--Usher/Young Jeezy, Lollipop--Weezy, Candy Shop--50 Cent, and I'll Make Love to You--Boy II Men.

Want to know what is listed as NUMBER ONE? Let's Get Physical--Olivia Newton John. This has to be a joke or trolling incident, yeah? I can't even wrap my head around this ludicrousness. So, because I'm appalled by this atrocious list and apparently have better taste than most of the internet (sike, sort of), I'm going to give you my top 10.

10. Bounce--Timbaland (with Missy, Dr. Dre, JT)
       Sorry I'm so demandin', but save the dancin' for back at the 
       mansion...

9. Heartbeat--Childish Gambino
      I come around when you least expect me. I'm sitting at the bar 
      when your glass is empty

8. Gotta Be Somebody's Blues--Jimmy Eat World
      Let the virus spread. She's the silk lining in my bed.

7. Helter Skelter--The Beatles
      Tell me, tell me, tell me the answer. You may be a lover, but you 
      ain't no dancer.

6. Sail--AWOLNATION
     Maybe I'm a different breed. Maybe I'm not listening.

5. Degausser--Brand New
     Take me, take me back to your bed. I love you so much that it hurts 
     my head. Say, I don't mind you under my skin. I let the bad parts in, 
     the bad parts in.

4. Whole Lotta Love--Led Zeppelin
     I'm gonna give you every inch of my love.

3. Starstruck--Santigold
     Can't make it feel right on my own. That's when I turn you on again.

2. Daisy--Brand New
     I'm a sun that doesn't burn hot. I'm a moon that never shows its 
     face. I'm a mouth that doesn't smile. I'm a word that no one 
     ever wants to say.

1. When the Lights Go Out--The Black Keys
     You know what the sun's all about, when the lights go out.


Honorable Mentions: Closer--Nine Inch Nails, You'll Find a Way--Santigold, Flux and Flow--LIGHTS, Counting Bodies Like Sheep..--A Perfect Circle, Need You Tonight--INXS, and ET--Katy Perry (with or without Kanye)


Just have a listen, and if you get music at all, you'll totally understand. Everyone feels music a little differently, so all of these songs may not bring out the sexy in you, but you have to admit they're way better than what Billboard picked out.

I want to walk on your wavelength, and be there when you vibrate. For you I'd risk it all.

wood and nails

It's funny how a song can change your mood.

First song:

Jesus Christ: Brand New

Do you believe you're missing out? That everything good is happening somewhere else? But with nobody in your bed, the night's hard to get through. 

And I, will die, all alone. And when I, arrive, I won't know anyone. 

Okay, so it seems a little depressing, and maybe it is, but it's still one of my favorites. Jesse Lacey's impeccable lyrics never fail to amaze me. If you read my previous post, you can probably understand the song's appeal to me, particularly at this juncture in my life. 

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die. I'm a little bit scared of what comes after. Do I get the gold chariot? Or do I float through the ceiling? 

Do I, divide, and pull apart? Because my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark. 

I think a lot about the after. Not necessarily the after of death, but just the after of everything. What happens after I turn 25? 30? What happens when my fears of not being able to be loved come to fruition?What happens when everyone I know is married and I'm still watching Community reruns in my pajamas on a Saturday night? What happens when my career isn't enough, but it's too late for much else? What happens after my dark sucks all the light out of me?

You can see how this song, however lyrically elegant, can be emotionally draining. It definitely doesn't lighten any moods, but feeds off my insecurities and fears, propelling them and adding to the layers. It's a real dementor of a song. So, after listening to it, I was doing the deep thought, pitiful fist to cheek lean into my car window, wallowing a bit in self pity. Then, the iPod gods shuffled to something completely different. 

Second song:

The Heart of Life: John Mayer

I hate to see you cry, lying there in that position. There's things you need to hear. So turn off your tears and listen.

For the record, I WASN'T crying. But okay, Mr. Mayer, I'm listening. 

You know, it's nothing new. Bad news never had good timing. Then, the circle of your friends will defend the silver lining. 

And then I stopped slouching into my window and sat a little straighter. 

Pain throws your heart to the ground. Love turns the whole thing around. No, it won't all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good. 

And just like that, I was smiling. My mood changed instantly. I'd love to tell you that a simple John Mayer song can turn a heartless robot into June Cleaver, but that's just not real. But, a day that was starting a bit sour, got a little sweeter. It lifted my spirits just enough to remind me that hope is still something I can feel. Real problems have complicated solutions. Fairy god mothers don't wave their wands and make your dreams come true. It's not going to be an easy road, but it's going to be worth it. And it's imperative that I am reminded of this periodically, because if not, my dark will overtake my bright for good. 

I'm not going to stop listening to Jesus Christ, and I'm not going to start listening to The Heart of Life more often, but I am going to keep my chin up, however heavy my head and heart may be.. 

Lately things have been less than stellar and a bit suffocating, but I know the heart of life is good..

ender will save us all

Sometimes I just need a good cry.

Sometimes I just need a good cry to Dashboard Confessional. Hey, I can get emo too.

This turpentine chaser's got kick, and the rag that it's soaked in is rich.

Why do I need a good cry? A plethora of tiny reasons, really, (roughly ninety-nine, though males are not one). I don't like to cry. It makes me feel weak and out of control, so sometimes when I'm having a string of bad luck, I light some candles, draw a hot bath, and let the tears flow. If I can control when I cry, then I'm still in control and it's not weak; it's scheduled. Yes, I have issues.

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has. 
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all. 
(Oh, look now, there you go with hope again).

I've always prided myself on my gift of determination. I'm a goal getter. I generally get what I want once I set my mind to it. Until recently, it had never really occurred to me that my gift could also be my curse. Also, I'm highly self-sufficient, so this coupled with determination makes me a non-trusting control freak, which in turn has been destroying my social well being and my sanity.

Don't blink, everyone's watching. They'll think you're up to something.
They need for you to be everything they cannot be themselves.

I thought finishing school would finally allow me the chance to experience the world. I thought I could balance work and life, and actually live. It turns out that I'm a little too neurotic for that. I was given more responsibility earlier on because I'm hungry for power and I'm relatively good at what I do. This extra responsibility turned into earlier mornings and staying late (which has led to exhaustion). This was not required of me, but I required it of myself.  This has made me realize my biggest weakness is trust. This is why I can't delegate effectively, (and why I go in early/stay late to get things done). This is why I push people away when they get too close too quickly. This is why I can't be a part of a healthy adult relationship. This is why I needed a good cry.

So don't be a liar, 
don't say that everything's working when everything's broken..


Making up a history; it's nothing from the life you lead, 
but man will they buy all your lines.

I feel like my good friends have known about this trust issue for some time now, but knew that I would blatantly deny it if brought to my attention. Excuses made for each instance. Denial dominating my thought processes. But it all seems so clear now. I don't fully trust anyone. I'm constantly waiting for everyone in my life to disappoint me, because the few truly hard times I've had in my life, (yes, I've had some), the people I put my faith in, destroyed it. And it broke me. It still breaks me. So, I did what I'm currently doing best: trusting no one but myself. If I disappoint myself, it's on me. If I mess it up, it's my fault. I can control me, but I can't control you. And if I can't control your actions towards me, then you'll undoubtedly leave me and take bits of me with you, and I will have to feel that pain all over again. This is not acceptable, therefore it is not allowed.

Your pulse is anemic. You're tired of the fire.
You're bruising too easy and falling behind
And no one is waiting for you.

On the surface it appears that I trust everyone, maybe even a little too much. Don't be fooled; it's an act, a lie. I don't trust you, and I'm always looking for reasons not to. I'm waiting for you to abandon me. I'm waiting for you to realize that I'm not worth it. I'm pushing you away so I don't get hurt when you come to that realization. I'm actively sabotaging our relationship. I'm just biding my time until, sooner or later, every single one of you proves me right. I'm a heartless robot trying to show everyone that I need no one.

And I'm going to end up bitter and all alone, which suits me some days. But then I have a good cry and remember that feeling something is better than feeling nothing. I had one of those days today. And I decided that maybe I have a problem, and maybe I need to fix it before I self-destruct and no one is there to help me with the pieces.

And you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone, or anyone at all...
And the grave that you refuse to leave, 
The refuge that you've built to flee,
The places that you've come to fear the most
Is the place that you have come to fear the most.

i haven't changed a bit

Man, being a real adult is hard, y'all.

I've been driving all over Memphis these past weeks, which combined with constant road work on 240/I-55, has given me ample time for listening to some newly acquired tunes. Here are some current favorites of mine:

Settle Down/No Doubt:
Wait a Minute/The Hives
King and Lionheart/Of Monsters and Men
Flowers in Your Hair/The Lumineers
National Anthem/Lana Del Ray
Bad Religion/Frank Ocean
Out on the Town/Fun.
Help, I'm Alive/Metric
Amazing Eyes/Good Old War
Same Mistakes/The Echo Friendly
Ships/Lady Danville


Some are not quite so new, but newly obsessed over by me. To my delight, my recent discovery of The Lumineers has also coincided with a show announcement in Oxford at the Lyric, (which is dominating right now--Passion Pit is playing there too!).

As you know, I generally listen to music that reflects my current state of emotions, but this list is a definite exception. I just really like these songs, and I have no real connection to them other than that. Sort of. Yet.

Flowers in Your Hair:
So, now I think that I could love you back, and I hope it's not too late, 'cause you're attractive. And the way you move, I won't close my eyes. It takes a man to live. It takes a woman to make him compromise.


Be in my eyes, be in my heart.


Really, this is silly, picking out a favorite. I also love Classy Girls, Stubborn Love, and Ho Hey. I foresee a post dedicated entirely to The Lumineers by the time I see them in Oxford. They're simply delightful.


National Anthem:
Money is the anthem, of success, so put on mascara and your party dress


There is just something about this song. I cannot get enough of it. I seriously had it on repeat the entire way to work one morning. The video is also...interesting. You should check it out if you haven't already done yourself that favor. I know her album has been out a while, but I just now really started getting into it. I am also in love with Born to Die


Bad Religion:
If it brings me to my knees, It's a bad religion


This unrequited love, to me it's nothing but a one man cult and cyanide in my styrofoam cup. I could never make him love me, never make him love me, no, no.

This song is just so powerful. His voice is full of real pain, and it pulls you in, makes you hurt with him, feel his vulnerability. Unrequited love is one of the worst feelings, though it's one that many people, including myself, feel, and he really captures it in this song. I am meh about the rest of the album thus far, but a few more listens could change that.

Amazing Eyes:

You're a little bit broken and I'm a little bit broken. When we put ourselves together, my oh my. And you may not understand it, but something here is working. So, I don't mind, I don't mind, 'cause you're mine...you're mine.

I am in love with this band right now. Every song is just so beautiful. I heard this one, and I was immediately swept off of my feet. Do these men actually exist, that speak so affectionately about women? Even if they are few and far between, it gives me hope that maybe I can be someone's amazing eyes, (okay, that was my one sappy moment of the post--moving on).

Same Mistakes:

My friends are all a drag. They think I'm such a flake. They want to go to bed, I want to stay up late, walking the streets alone, thinking of you 'til dawn. I make the same mistakes

I heard this for the first time on the HBO show Girls (it has the BEST music). It's simple, to the point, and so incredibly real. We all make mistakes, but it seems there are some that I refuse to learn from, no matter how much I say I have or want to. I'd like to think that other 20 somethings trying to find their place in the universe do the same. 

So, those are the newest additions to my "Current Loves" playlist on iTunes. I'm always looking for new music, so if you think there's something you're listening to that I'd like, please share!

If we're still alive, then my regrets are few. If my life is mine, what shouldn't I do?

Taking Back Sunday Sunday

I never made a scene (well, they came to me).

It's that time again, kids! My trek to work these past few weeks has given me ample time for listening to music, and due to that, I've recently listened to Where You Want to Be from start to finish. I've never listened to one of their albums (minus New Again--yikes) in its entirety and thought, "well that was a let down." It's quite the opposite; I tend to fall in love with them all over again. 

Set Phasers to Stun

We paint our sins on the ceiling, I keep them glued to my chest. It keeps me close like a promise kept

I remember getting this CD back in high school, and I could not get enough of it. I listened to it over and over and over. As a result, the lyrics are ingrained in me. I couldn't forget them if I wanted to, (and  I don't). I guarantee I'll be the 90 year old lady trying to mic swing like Adam from my wheelchair, belting out these songs that helped get me through high school, (I envision being in trouble a lot in this home). I've already posted about them changing my life. That was a for real thing.

Bonus Mosh Pt. 2

(It's love, it's love) I wanted you for nothing more, (make it hurt; I deserve it), than hating you for what you were

There is something about that line that brings a Grinch-style smirk to my lips. 

A Decade Under the Influence

Anyone will do tonight, anyone will do tonight. Close your eyes, just settle, settle

I waited for what seemed like years for that music video to premier, and remember this is "back in the day" when I had no idea how to pirate anything, and I had to actually wait for these things to hear anything new from my favorite bands. 

This Photograph is Proof (I Know You Know)

So we're talking forever, and you almost feel better, but better's no excuse for tonight. You see it's never bad enough to just leave or give up, but it's never good enough to feel right.

New American Classic

See the months they don't matter, it's the days I can't take, when the hours move to minutes and I'm seconds away. 

Such a tragically beautiful song. To my sheer delight, my brother would sometimes play it on his guitar,and I've always imagined walking down the aisle, (if ever), to an instrumental version of it, (SN: Vitamin String Quartet's cover of TBS is phenomenal). 

I Am Fred Astaire

Well, I flipped every switch that I could find on my way out just to upset you more (just to keep you busy), just to make you angry, (just because you were right).

One-Eighty by Summer

Go on just say it; you need me like a bad habit, one that leaves you defenseless, dependent and alone

For a long time, those words were part of the running theme song of my dating life. It seems silly now, but then, I would sing scream them at the top of my lungs, (because if you do that, the person you're screaming them at will hear you and finally understand their idiocy...pause not). Oh, who am I kidding? I still do this. 

Number Five with a Bullet

It's a long way back south, to where I belong. Well, you've been there once or twice and you still don't like it. I say you just never gave it a chance, (give me a chance, give me a chance).

Little Devotional

I calm the crowd by keeping quiet, move like a shadow up to your mattress. Gentlemen don't ask questions. We could pay attention

I could never truly pick a favorite from this album, but I know that I was constantly going back and forth between this song and the next for such a title. 

...Slowdance on the Inside

Well, cross my heart and hope to...I'm lying just to keep you here

This glass house is burning down. You light the match; I'll stick around

There are so many good lines in that song that I might as well have posted the whole thing. If you've never heard it, you should treat yourself and change that tonight. In fact, you should really just give them all a listen. 

So, at some point a song called Follow the Format was released, and I don't know exactly which album it belongs to, but most references point to Where You Want to Be. Either way, I didn't hear until right before Louder Now came out, but it's my absolute favorite Taking Back Sunday song, without a doubt. 

Make a big scene. Make this glass house my coffin. You missed the big picture, well it's the words that you're coughing out on your sleeve, so forge my sins here in song. I'm telling you now what you've known all along. And it's tired, so true, more subtle than you. There's a lull in the stereo; it's calling for you, (calling for you).

It's not a lie if you believe it; it's no mistake if it's always repeated

That's it. I've decided that I'm relistening to this CD when I run my errands tomorrow. I honestly don't think I could ever get tired of them, especially as each album is so different from the others, but all are equally as good (to me). As always, it depends on my mood, and just how nostalgic I'm feeling as to which album I'm going to focus my energies on. Where You Want to Be and Tell All Your Friends pretty much dictated my life from 2002-2006 (high school), whereas Louder Now trickled over in to college. New Again  actually never happened in my mind, and Taking Back Sunday is still currently being attached to new memories and people, though it does have some faint hints of last summer. 

Well, that's it for this episode of Taking Back Sunday Sunday. 

Tonight won't make a difference

hummingbird heartbeat

Okay, so I promise I am going to get better at updating, because I know how much you're dying to read this blog bored you are at work.

I've been trying to catch up on all of these summer movies that have come out, but every weekend four more that I want to see premier. Thus far, I've seen Magic Mike, (overrated and a little boring), Moonrise Kingdom, (best Wes Anderson film to date), and Katy Perry: Part of Me. Yeah, yeah, chuckle all you want, but I left that movie with a smile stretched all the way across my face, and have subsequently been listening to Ms. Perry nonstop.

I know that I blog about a lot of bands that aren't the most "mainstream," but I can appreciate good pop music just like the rest of middle America, and Katy Perry is fantastic pop music. Are her lyrics comparable to that of Bright Eyes in terms of poetry and irony and blah, blah, blah? No, but they are real, and they are something so many girls (women?) my age can relate to: giddiness of new love,  memories of old ones, the disintegration of relationships, and then not letting anything break her. It's every emotion I've ever felt. With every song, I can find a situation in my life to which it applies. And I can dance to them in my living room alone for hours. That's what I like to call a win, win, win.

Here are some favorites (sans real life examples):

Lost: Is there a light at the end of the road? I'm pushing everyone away, 'cause I can't feel this anymore.


Not Like the Movies: 'Cause I know you're out there, and you're, you're looking for me, oooh. It's a crazy idea that you were made perfectly for me; you'll see.


Thinking of You: He kissed my lips; I taste your mouth. He pulled me in; I was disgusted with myself.


I'm Still Breathing: So, as I write this letter and shed my last tear, it's all for the better that we end this here. Let's close this chapter, say one last prayer, but don't say that you loved me.

Part of Me: You ripped me off, your love was cheap, was always tearing at the seams. I fell deep, you let me down, but that was then and this is now.

Hummingbird Heartbeat: I see the sun rise in your eyes, your eyes. We've got a future full of blue skies, blue skies.


Wide Awake: I am born again, out of the lion's den, don't need to pretend. And it's too late; this story's over now: the end.


The movie is full of fun performances and adorable fan meet and greets, but also shows the toll that touring for a year had on Katy, most notably her marriage. I nearly broke down in tears at one point. It was so real, her heartbreak, and so familiar. I just wanted to give her a hug and tell her it would all be okay. This would be wasted because she already knows this. And that's why I loved the movie. She continues to have fun and live her life on her terms for her dreams. She has her sad moments, then takes them and learns from them and MOVES ON. It's pretty amazing. If I had to pick one adjective to describe this movie going experience, it would be uplifting.

I will own this movie, and if I have ever have a really bad day, I am going to pop it in, dance around my living room, and turn that day around.



You don't have to feel like a wasted space. You're original, cannot be replaced. If you only knew what the future holds: after a hurricane comes a rainbow.






boom, boom, boom, even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

vasoline, magazines, and tangerines

I got to be a part of history Wednesday night. If you are not aware, yesterday in the late afternoon, the Flaming Lips broke Jay-Z's previous world record for most shows played in multiple cities in 24 hours. They started in Memphis, then headed to Clarksdale, Oxford, Jackson, Hattiesburg, Biloxi, Baton Rouge, and finally New Orleans.

I have only really heard one negative review of this mini-concert marathon, so I'm going to deem it successful (as if I hold any authoritative power in the matter). I tried to watch as much of the live stream on MTV as I could, but things like work and sleep and the like got in the way. I'm sure a DVD will be made, so I'll just catch it all then. What I can deduce from reviews, quips, and streaming is that besides Nola and some kickass fireworks, Memphis really got the best show, mostly because we got two shows. 

I'd seen them perform at BSMF 11, though I missed roughly half of their show because 1) The Grizzlies beat the Spurs to win the series at the same time 2) I mistakingly thought Jason Mraz was going to be entertaining. I had heard of the Flaming Lips and their theatrics before, but was apathetic about them performing, and even more, me missing said performance. When I finally caught the second half of the show, I was in complete awe. Not only did they have so many aesthetics, but they sounded great too. I spent much of that first performance entranced, not believing what I was seeing. 

So, now on Wednesday, I was prepared and past the point of ready to see them live again. I don't purposefully listen to their music at home or in the car or what have you. Don't get me wrong; it's good, but for some reason, I just don't. It's the live aspect that enthralls me. It's so unlike anything I've ever experienced in a concert or show. I just smiled the entire time, (and not the cheesy, obsessed with celebrities smile, but the so content with life and everything is perfect in the world smile), and turns out I was not alone in this. Someone next to me turned and said, "Look at the smiles on every single person's face. What other band can do that? The closest I've ever been to being this happy was when I was on opium one time in college." Over-sharing aside, the boy had a point. Every confetti-covered person was smiling. 

With all your power, what would you do?

We're the enforcers, the sorcerer's orphans, and we know why we fight

They rescued everyone, they lifted up the sun

Look outside, I know that you'll recognize it's summertime

We can't hear them singing, but we can hear it as it flies

Smiles all around

Spoils of war.

It was one of those rare moments where I was fully aware of how amazing this world is, that people and music are still of sound quality. Wayne Coyne is beyond words in the best of ways. He was so kind, sincere, grateful, humble. He was thanking us for being there and supporting them, apologizing that the second set would be short and they'd have to flee quickly. He never had to thank me. It was my pleasure; I wanted to thank him. I hate the idea that other cities may not have gotten to experience the same show. Maybe I'm not critical enough, maybe I'm not a true "fan," but when music moves within in you and not outside of you, that's a beautiful thing, and I just can't find any negativity in that. 

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know you realize that life goes fast. It's hard to make the good things last. You realize the sun doesn't go down; it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning 'round.

baby don't chop me up

I keep dancing on my own.

So, between this studying nonsense, I've managed to agree to run 1/5th of the St. Jude Marathon this coming December as part of relay team. This means that the time to get serious about running again has really already passed, but no matter, I am determined to do it anyway. 

Every run, every mile is a step closer, but sometimes, (especially with this excessive, muggy heat), I don't want to keep going. Know what keeps me going? All together, y'all:  "MUSIC!"

I try to change the playlist weekly, and here's an example of this week's jams:

The Alphabeat--David Guetta 

Hello--Karmin

Teeth--Lady GaGa

Get Over It--Ok Go

LeDisko--Shiny Toy Guns

So what's it going to take silver shadow believer? Spock rocker with your dirty eyes...

The Magnifying Glass--The Joy Formidable 

Laserlight--Jessie J

Go Right Ahead--The Hives

My Body--Young the Giant 

Chop Me Up--Justin Timberlake feat. Timbaland & Three 6 Mafia 

Beekeeper's Daughter--All American Rejects

I still got you waitin.' Look out your window. What do you see? You don't see me

Dancing On My Own--Robyn

Run the Heart--Sleigh Bells

You take a heart, I can take out two. You take a heart, I can take out you.

She's Long Gone--The Black Keys

Slight Work--Wale feat. Big Sean

Two things I don't need are you and my ID.

What do you run/work out to? Any suggestions??

surprise, surprise

I want to fall back in to all we used to represent; wash my filthy hands; wash my filthy hands.

Sorry for the temporary and unannounced hiatus, my few lovely followers; I recently relocated and started studying for my boards. I told myself that I wasn't going to write again until after the testing was over, but here I am. I swear I have done more growing up and maturing in the last three weeks than I've done in the past three years. 

I have my own place. I do things by myself. I am not lonely. I am happy. I AM HAPPY. 

Did you read that? It doesn't even matter that certain things I was involved in fell apart (as is customary). I'm seriously un-phased. I'm a little confused, maybe a bit irritated, but I'm not crying. I'm not upset. I'm perfectly fine, and if you know me at all, this is a big deal. 

At first I thought I did care, so as always, I went to my standby playlist of songs to cope with the pseudo-tragedies of my young life. And generally when this happens, I get very emotional, (think Lifetime movie), but as I went through the songs, I just laughed. I didn't listen to a single song in its entirety. I'll give you some examples:

Heart on Sleeve Playlist:

No Light, No Light (Florence + Machine)

You are the hole in my head; you are the space in my bed. You are the silence in between what I thought and what I said. 

And I'd do anything to make you stay. Tell me what you want me to say.

This Modern Love (Bloc Party)

This modern love breaks me. This modern love wastes me.

Polaris (Jimmy Eat World)

They say that love goes anywhere; in your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there. When you go, I'll let you be, but you're killing everything in me. 

Early Winter (Gwen Stefani)

You, you know how how to get me so low. My heart gave a crash when we spoke. I can't fix what you broke....and I always was, always was one for crying. I always was one for tears.

But that was then, and this is now

Gives You Hell (All-American Rejects) 

Truth be told I miss you, and truth be told I'm lying

When you hear this song, and you sing along but you never tell, then you're just a fool; I'm just as well. Hope it gives you hell. 

Let it Happen (Jimmy Eat World)

I can hear you now. Talk, talking a lot, but it's still talk; gotta love how it's somehow all on me. And all the petty scenes and all the pretty things, say whatever you want 'cause I can laugh it off (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha)

Wide Awake (Katy Perry)

I'm wide awake, not losing any sleep. I picked up every piece and landed on my feet. I'm wide awake; need nothing to complete myself, no.

Untitled 7 (Brand New)

Can't hold on to the thrill, so I hope you find your will to follow through. What we invented, I am now  ending. Hold on to who you love. We are dry and blown like dust since we were young. What we invented, I am now ending.

I have to tell you, it feels so liberating to be rid of that sadness, that heaviness in my heart. I want to reiterate that I am not angry or bitter: I'm simply finished with that chapter, (the one you keep reading, telling yourself you'll go to bed once you reach the end, but there's always another page). I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned and the character-shaping I've been privy to, but good grief, I'm exhausted.  

Even on a cloudy day, I keep my eyes fixed on the sun