surprise, surprise

I want to fall back in to all we used to represent; wash my filthy hands; wash my filthy hands.

Sorry for the temporary and unannounced hiatus, my few lovely followers; I recently relocated and started studying for my boards. I told myself that I wasn't going to write again until after the testing was over, but here I am. I swear I have done more growing up and maturing in the last three weeks than I've done in the past three years. 

I have my own place. I do things by myself. I am not lonely. I am happy. I AM HAPPY. 

Did you read that? It doesn't even matter that certain things I was involved in fell apart (as is customary). I'm seriously un-phased. I'm a little confused, maybe a bit irritated, but I'm not crying. I'm not upset. I'm perfectly fine, and if you know me at all, this is a big deal. 

At first I thought I did care, so as always, I went to my standby playlist of songs to cope with the pseudo-tragedies of my young life. And generally when this happens, I get very emotional, (think Lifetime movie), but as I went through the songs, I just laughed. I didn't listen to a single song in its entirety. I'll give you some examples:

Heart on Sleeve Playlist:

No Light, No Light (Florence + Machine)

You are the hole in my head; you are the space in my bed. You are the silence in between what I thought and what I said. 

And I'd do anything to make you stay. Tell me what you want me to say.

This Modern Love (Bloc Party)

This modern love breaks me. This modern love wastes me.

Polaris (Jimmy Eat World)

They say that love goes anywhere; in your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there. When you go, I'll let you be, but you're killing everything in me. 

Early Winter (Gwen Stefani)

You, you know how how to get me so low. My heart gave a crash when we spoke. I can't fix what you broke....and I always was, always was one for crying. I always was one for tears.

But that was then, and this is now

Gives You Hell (All-American Rejects) 

Truth be told I miss you, and truth be told I'm lying

When you hear this song, and you sing along but you never tell, then you're just a fool; I'm just as well. Hope it gives you hell. 

Let it Happen (Jimmy Eat World)

I can hear you now. Talk, talking a lot, but it's still talk; gotta love how it's somehow all on me. And all the petty scenes and all the pretty things, say whatever you want 'cause I can laugh it off (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha)

Wide Awake (Katy Perry)

I'm wide awake, not losing any sleep. I picked up every piece and landed on my feet. I'm wide awake; need nothing to complete myself, no.

Untitled 7 (Brand New)

Can't hold on to the thrill, so I hope you find your will to follow through. What we invented, I am now  ending. Hold on to who you love. We are dry and blown like dust since we were young. What we invented, I am now ending.

I have to tell you, it feels so liberating to be rid of that sadness, that heaviness in my heart. I want to reiterate that I am not angry or bitter: I'm simply finished with that chapter, (the one you keep reading, telling yourself you'll go to bed once you reach the end, but there's always another page). I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned and the character-shaping I've been privy to, but good grief, I'm exhausted.  

Even on a cloudy day, I keep my eyes fixed on the sun