angels. airwaves.

If I had my own world, I'd build you an empire


It's time for a little background on the name of this blog. I know, I know, you've been dying to know, so without further ado, here it is:

Secret Crowds by Angels & Airwaves

If I had my own world, I'd love it for all that's inside it. There'd be no more wars, deaths or riots

If I had my own world, I'd show you the life that's inside it, the way that it glows  when you find it, the way it survives with its families, friends or its enemies.


I don't particularly know why this song speaks to me so much. Of course, I think families and friends and such are essential for a happy life. And I'm all for a more peaceful world, but I'm also a realist that understands that utopia doesn't exist and wars are needed to maintain order (to an extent). So, what is it?

Let me feel you, carry you higher, watch our words spread hope like fire.

To me, it's more about finding peace within yourself, which is an important and attainable thing. To those who have found it, I am envious. I feel like I'm close, but then the fact that I'm even talking/thinking/analyzing about it only proves that I'm not. That's really neither here nor there as far as this particular post is concerned. I fell in love with this song because of one line, the one that that lends this blog its name. It's the one soon to be permanently inked on my body. It's four simple words that I want to live my life by. It's the constant reminder to love and not carry around negativity. It's my rock.



If I had my own world, I'd build you an empire, from here to the far lands, to spread love like violence.

blame it on my ADD, baby

Okay, upon late night perusing of my favorite sites, (Buzzfeed, Tumblr, and sometimes Reddit), I came across the link for the Billboard 50 Sexiest Songs.

It's all wrong. All wrong.

I mean, I can joke about Ray J's Sexy Can I being my jam all day long, but to actually make a list, THIS list, is just asinine.

Wild Thing by Tone Loc? These people can't be serious. These songs are jokes, written to invoke laughter and ironic white guy dancing. They aren't being for real, guys!

Okay, so about half of the list consists of Donna Summer, and maybe I can see one or two, but last time I checked it was 2012 and they have actually made new music since the disco era. Crazy.

I feel like the list was actually "50 Songs You Wish They'd Stop Playing at Weddings,"  and someone thought it'd be hilarious to re-name it the sexiest songs. SERIOUSLY, Akon feat. Eminem's Smack That and an R. Kelly song made the list. This is what's wrong with America. These things are not sexy.

Songs that I'm not entirely confused as to why they made the list: Love in This Club--Usher/Young Jeezy, Lollipop--Weezy, Candy Shop--50 Cent, and I'll Make Love to You--Boy II Men.

Want to know what is listed as NUMBER ONE? Let's Get Physical--Olivia Newton John. This has to be a joke or trolling incident, yeah? I can't even wrap my head around this ludicrousness. So, because I'm appalled by this atrocious list and apparently have better taste than most of the internet (sike, sort of), I'm going to give you my top 10.

10. Bounce--Timbaland (with Missy, Dr. Dre, JT)
       Sorry I'm so demandin', but save the dancin' for back at the 
       mansion...

9. Heartbeat--Childish Gambino
      I come around when you least expect me. I'm sitting at the bar 
      when your glass is empty

8. Gotta Be Somebody's Blues--Jimmy Eat World
      Let the virus spread. She's the silk lining in my bed.

7. Helter Skelter--The Beatles
      Tell me, tell me, tell me the answer. You may be a lover, but you 
      ain't no dancer.

6. Sail--AWOLNATION
     Maybe I'm a different breed. Maybe I'm not listening.

5. Degausser--Brand New
     Take me, take me back to your bed. I love you so much that it hurts 
     my head. Say, I don't mind you under my skin. I let the bad parts in, 
     the bad parts in.

4. Whole Lotta Love--Led Zeppelin
     I'm gonna give you every inch of my love.

3. Starstruck--Santigold
     Can't make it feel right on my own. That's when I turn you on again.

2. Daisy--Brand New
     I'm a sun that doesn't burn hot. I'm a moon that never shows its 
     face. I'm a mouth that doesn't smile. I'm a word that no one 
     ever wants to say.

1. When the Lights Go Out--The Black Keys
     You know what the sun's all about, when the lights go out.


Honorable Mentions: Closer--Nine Inch Nails, You'll Find a Way--Santigold, Flux and Flow--LIGHTS, Counting Bodies Like Sheep..--A Perfect Circle, Need You Tonight--INXS, and ET--Katy Perry (with or without Kanye)


Just have a listen, and if you get music at all, you'll totally understand. Everyone feels music a little differently, so all of these songs may not bring out the sexy in you, but you have to admit they're way better than what Billboard picked out.

I want to walk on your wavelength, and be there when you vibrate. For you I'd risk it all.

wood and nails

It's funny how a song can change your mood.

First song:

Jesus Christ: Brand New

Do you believe you're missing out? That everything good is happening somewhere else? But with nobody in your bed, the night's hard to get through. 

And I, will die, all alone. And when I, arrive, I won't know anyone. 

Okay, so it seems a little depressing, and maybe it is, but it's still one of my favorites. Jesse Lacey's impeccable lyrics never fail to amaze me. If you read my previous post, you can probably understand the song's appeal to me, particularly at this juncture in my life. 

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die. I'm a little bit scared of what comes after. Do I get the gold chariot? Or do I float through the ceiling? 

Do I, divide, and pull apart? Because my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark. 

I think a lot about the after. Not necessarily the after of death, but just the after of everything. What happens after I turn 25? 30? What happens when my fears of not being able to be loved come to fruition?What happens when everyone I know is married and I'm still watching Community reruns in my pajamas on a Saturday night? What happens when my career isn't enough, but it's too late for much else? What happens after my dark sucks all the light out of me?

You can see how this song, however lyrically elegant, can be emotionally draining. It definitely doesn't lighten any moods, but feeds off my insecurities and fears, propelling them and adding to the layers. It's a real dementor of a song. So, after listening to it, I was doing the deep thought, pitiful fist to cheek lean into my car window, wallowing a bit in self pity. Then, the iPod gods shuffled to something completely different. 

Second song:

The Heart of Life: John Mayer

I hate to see you cry, lying there in that position. There's things you need to hear. So turn off your tears and listen.

For the record, I WASN'T crying. But okay, Mr. Mayer, I'm listening. 

You know, it's nothing new. Bad news never had good timing. Then, the circle of your friends will defend the silver lining. 

And then I stopped slouching into my window and sat a little straighter. 

Pain throws your heart to the ground. Love turns the whole thing around. No, it won't all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good. 

And just like that, I was smiling. My mood changed instantly. I'd love to tell you that a simple John Mayer song can turn a heartless robot into June Cleaver, but that's just not real. But, a day that was starting a bit sour, got a little sweeter. It lifted my spirits just enough to remind me that hope is still something I can feel. Real problems have complicated solutions. Fairy god mothers don't wave their wands and make your dreams come true. It's not going to be an easy road, but it's going to be worth it. And it's imperative that I am reminded of this periodically, because if not, my dark will overtake my bright for good. 

I'm not going to stop listening to Jesus Christ, and I'm not going to start listening to The Heart of Life more often, but I am going to keep my chin up, however heavy my head and heart may be.. 

Lately things have been less than stellar and a bit suffocating, but I know the heart of life is good..

ender will save us all

Sometimes I just need a good cry.

Sometimes I just need a good cry to Dashboard Confessional. Hey, I can get emo too.

This turpentine chaser's got kick, and the rag that it's soaked in is rich.

Why do I need a good cry? A plethora of tiny reasons, really, (roughly ninety-nine, though males are not one). I don't like to cry. It makes me feel weak and out of control, so sometimes when I'm having a string of bad luck, I light some candles, draw a hot bath, and let the tears flow. If I can control when I cry, then I'm still in control and it's not weak; it's scheduled. Yes, I have issues.

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has. 
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all. 
(Oh, look now, there you go with hope again).

I've always prided myself on my gift of determination. I'm a goal getter. I generally get what I want once I set my mind to it. Until recently, it had never really occurred to me that my gift could also be my curse. Also, I'm highly self-sufficient, so this coupled with determination makes me a non-trusting control freak, which in turn has been destroying my social well being and my sanity.

Don't blink, everyone's watching. They'll think you're up to something.
They need for you to be everything they cannot be themselves.

I thought finishing school would finally allow me the chance to experience the world. I thought I could balance work and life, and actually live. It turns out that I'm a little too neurotic for that. I was given more responsibility earlier on because I'm hungry for power and I'm relatively good at what I do. This extra responsibility turned into earlier mornings and staying late (which has led to exhaustion). This was not required of me, but I required it of myself.  This has made me realize my biggest weakness is trust. This is why I can't delegate effectively, (and why I go in early/stay late to get things done). This is why I push people away when they get too close too quickly. This is why I can't be a part of a healthy adult relationship. This is why I needed a good cry.

So don't be a liar, 
don't say that everything's working when everything's broken..


Making up a history; it's nothing from the life you lead, 
but man will they buy all your lines.

I feel like my good friends have known about this trust issue for some time now, but knew that I would blatantly deny it if brought to my attention. Excuses made for each instance. Denial dominating my thought processes. But it all seems so clear now. I don't fully trust anyone. I'm constantly waiting for everyone in my life to disappoint me, because the few truly hard times I've had in my life, (yes, I've had some), the people I put my faith in, destroyed it. And it broke me. It still breaks me. So, I did what I'm currently doing best: trusting no one but myself. If I disappoint myself, it's on me. If I mess it up, it's my fault. I can control me, but I can't control you. And if I can't control your actions towards me, then you'll undoubtedly leave me and take bits of me with you, and I will have to feel that pain all over again. This is not acceptable, therefore it is not allowed.

Your pulse is anemic. You're tired of the fire.
You're bruising too easy and falling behind
And no one is waiting for you.

On the surface it appears that I trust everyone, maybe even a little too much. Don't be fooled; it's an act, a lie. I don't trust you, and I'm always looking for reasons not to. I'm waiting for you to abandon me. I'm waiting for you to realize that I'm not worth it. I'm pushing you away so I don't get hurt when you come to that realization. I'm actively sabotaging our relationship. I'm just biding my time until, sooner or later, every single one of you proves me right. I'm a heartless robot trying to show everyone that I need no one.

And I'm going to end up bitter and all alone, which suits me some days. But then I have a good cry and remember that feeling something is better than feeling nothing. I had one of those days today. And I decided that maybe I have a problem, and maybe I need to fix it before I self-destruct and no one is there to help me with the pieces.

And you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone, or anyone at all...
And the grave that you refuse to leave, 
The refuge that you've built to flee,
The places that you've come to fear the most
Is the place that you have come to fear the most.