Okay, upon late night perusing of my favorite sites, (Buzzfeed, Tumblr, and sometimes Reddit), I came across the link for the Billboard 50 Sexiest Songs.
It's all wrong. All wrong.
I mean, I can joke about Ray J's Sexy Can I being my jam all day long, but to actually make a list, THIS list, is just asinine.
Wild Thing by Tone Loc? These people can't be serious. These songs are jokes, written to invoke laughter and ironic white guy dancing. They aren't being for real, guys!
Okay, so about half of the list consists of Donna Summer, and maybe I can see one or two, but last time I checked it was 2012 and they have actually made new music since the disco era. Crazy.
I feel like the list was actually "50 Songs You Wish They'd Stop Playing at Weddings," and someone thought it'd be hilarious to re-name it the sexiest songs. SERIOUSLY, Akon feat. Eminem's Smack That and an R. Kelly song made the list. This is what's wrong with America. These things are not sexy.
Songs that I'm not entirely confused as to why they made the list: Love in This Club--Usher/Young Jeezy, Lollipop--Weezy, Candy Shop--50 Cent, and I'll Make Love to You--Boy II Men.
Want to know what is listed as NUMBER ONE? Let's Get Physical--Olivia Newton John. This has to be a joke or trolling incident, yeah? I can't even wrap my head around this ludicrousness. So, because I'm appalled by this atrocious list and apparently have better taste than most of the internet (sike, sort of), I'm going to give you my top 10.
10. Bounce--Timbaland (with Missy, Dr. Dre, JT)
Sorry I'm so demandin', but save the dancin' for back at the
mansion...
9. Heartbeat--Childish Gambino
I come around when you least expect me. I'm sitting at the bar
when your glass is empty
8. Gotta Be Somebody's Blues--Jimmy Eat World
Let the virus spread. She's the silk lining in my bed.
7. Helter Skelter--The Beatles
Tell me, tell me, tell me the answer. You may be a lover, but you
ain't no dancer.
6. Sail--AWOLNATION
Maybe I'm a different breed. Maybe I'm not listening.
5. Degausser--Brand New
Take me, take me back to your bed. I love you so much that it hurts
my head. Say, I don't mind you under my skin. I let the bad parts in,
the bad parts in.
4. Whole Lotta Love--Led Zeppelin
I'm gonna give you every inch of my love.
3. Starstruck--Santigold
Can't make it feel right on my own. That's when I turn you on again.
2. Daisy--Brand New
I'm a sun that doesn't burn hot. I'm a moon that never shows its
face. I'm a mouth that doesn't smile. I'm a word that no one
ever wants to say.
1. When the Lights Go Out--The Black Keys
You know what the sun's all about, when the lights go out.
Honorable Mentions: Closer--Nine Inch Nails, You'll Find a Way--Santigold, Flux and Flow--LIGHTS, Counting Bodies Like Sheep..--A Perfect Circle, Need You Tonight--INXS, and ET--Katy Perry (with or without Kanye)
Just have a listen, and if you get music at all, you'll totally understand. Everyone feels music a little differently, so all of these songs may not bring out the sexy in you, but you have to admit they're way better than what Billboard picked out.
I want to walk on your wavelength, and be there when you vibrate. For you I'd risk it all.
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