ender will save us all

Sometimes I just need a good cry.

Sometimes I just need a good cry to Dashboard Confessional. Hey, I can get emo too.

This turpentine chaser's got kick, and the rag that it's soaked in is rich.

Why do I need a good cry? A plethora of tiny reasons, really, (roughly ninety-nine, though males are not one). I don't like to cry. It makes me feel weak and out of control, so sometimes when I'm having a string of bad luck, I light some candles, draw a hot bath, and let the tears flow. If I can control when I cry, then I'm still in control and it's not weak; it's scheduled. Yes, I have issues.

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has. 
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all. 
(Oh, look now, there you go with hope again).

I've always prided myself on my gift of determination. I'm a goal getter. I generally get what I want once I set my mind to it. Until recently, it had never really occurred to me that my gift could also be my curse. Also, I'm highly self-sufficient, so this coupled with determination makes me a non-trusting control freak, which in turn has been destroying my social well being and my sanity.

Don't blink, everyone's watching. They'll think you're up to something.
They need for you to be everything they cannot be themselves.

I thought finishing school would finally allow me the chance to experience the world. I thought I could balance work and life, and actually live. It turns out that I'm a little too neurotic for that. I was given more responsibility earlier on because I'm hungry for power and I'm relatively good at what I do. This extra responsibility turned into earlier mornings and staying late (which has led to exhaustion). This was not required of me, but I required it of myself.  This has made me realize my biggest weakness is trust. This is why I can't delegate effectively, (and why I go in early/stay late to get things done). This is why I push people away when they get too close too quickly. This is why I can't be a part of a healthy adult relationship. This is why I needed a good cry.

So don't be a liar, 
don't say that everything's working when everything's broken..


Making up a history; it's nothing from the life you lead, 
but man will they buy all your lines.

I feel like my good friends have known about this trust issue for some time now, but knew that I would blatantly deny it if brought to my attention. Excuses made for each instance. Denial dominating my thought processes. But it all seems so clear now. I don't fully trust anyone. I'm constantly waiting for everyone in my life to disappoint me, because the few truly hard times I've had in my life, (yes, I've had some), the people I put my faith in, destroyed it. And it broke me. It still breaks me. So, I did what I'm currently doing best: trusting no one but myself. If I disappoint myself, it's on me. If I mess it up, it's my fault. I can control me, but I can't control you. And if I can't control your actions towards me, then you'll undoubtedly leave me and take bits of me with you, and I will have to feel that pain all over again. This is not acceptable, therefore it is not allowed.

Your pulse is anemic. You're tired of the fire.
You're bruising too easy and falling behind
And no one is waiting for you.

On the surface it appears that I trust everyone, maybe even a little too much. Don't be fooled; it's an act, a lie. I don't trust you, and I'm always looking for reasons not to. I'm waiting for you to abandon me. I'm waiting for you to realize that I'm not worth it. I'm pushing you away so I don't get hurt when you come to that realization. I'm actively sabotaging our relationship. I'm just biding my time until, sooner or later, every single one of you proves me right. I'm a heartless robot trying to show everyone that I need no one.

And I'm going to end up bitter and all alone, which suits me some days. But then I have a good cry and remember that feeling something is better than feeling nothing. I had one of those days today. And I decided that maybe I have a problem, and maybe I need to fix it before I self-destruct and no one is there to help me with the pieces.

And you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone, or anyone at all...
And the grave that you refuse to leave, 
The refuge that you've built to flee,
The places that you've come to fear the most
Is the place that you have come to fear the most.