i feel my heart start beating to my favorite song(s)

Well, so much for being a more consistent blogger.

So, for now I'm going to do four days' worth of the 30 day music challenge tonight, and hopefully I'll get to the other three tomorrow night.


3. A song that reminds of you of summertime.

So for this particular summer: National Anthem by Lana Del Rey.
Red, white, blues in the skies. Summer's in the air and baby heaven's in your eyes. Tell me I'm your national anthem.

The irony would be that I was in fact, no one's national anthem.


4. A song that reminds you of someone you'd rather forget about
Oh, I'll just narrow that down to every song ever written about love and/or heartbreak.

Evening Kitchen by Band of Horses.
My god, don't you hold out your hand. I called off my plans. I counted on you, on you..

I'm so ready to see them live.

And if you're ever left with any doubt, what you live with and what you'll do without. I'm only sorry that it took so long to figure out.

And I am sorry that it took me so long to see the real you, the ugly you. But now I can see that I can do without you, it's just the forgetting that I am waiting on.


5. A song that needs to be played on LOUD.
First of all, any song by the Black Keys. But, for the purposes of this post, I'm going to go with Blue Orchid by The White Stripes.

 You took a white orchid, you took a white orchid and turned it blue

How dare you? How old are you now, anyway?

I just want this song to play whenever I enter the room. It's so raw and powerful and for some reason makes me confident in myself. So, I play it with the volume all the way up in my car, and I feel like a badass.


6. A song that makes you want to dance. 
This was a two way tie between Dirty Diana by Michael Jackson and Chelsea Dagger by The Fratellis.

Chelsea, Chelsea, I believe that when you're dancing slowly sucking your sleeve, that all the boys get lonely after you leave. And it's one for the dagger, and another for the one you believe. 

The Fratellis are an amazing band, and all of their songs are so catchy and fun, but this one really gets me moving, especially in the car.

Dirty Diana is just harder to dance to in a car.


Alright, that does it for this one. There's a lot of great new music out, so until next time, check out any or all of the following: Push and Shove (No Doubt), The Carpenter (The Avett Brothers), Mirage Rock (Band of Horses), Battle Born (The Killers), Babel (Mumford & Sons), Coexist (the xx).


 I turn the music up; I'm on a roll this time.

the B-list

Alright, in an attempt to shake things up a bit and keep it interesting, I found this 30 day music challenge on tumblr, (http://mkmcanin.tumblr.com), and thought I'd give it a whirl. 

I'm going to try not to repeat any songs from the soundtrack post I did in April. 

Here's the list:

1. A song you like with a colour in the title

2. A song you like with a number in the title

3. A song that reminds you of summertime

4. A song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about

5. A song that needs to be played LOUD

6. A song that makes you want to dance

7. A song to drive to

8. A song about drugs or alcohol

9. A song that makes you happy

10. A song that makes you sad

11. A song that you never get tired of

12. A song from your preteen years

13. One of your favourite 80’s songs

14. A song that you would love played at your wedding

15. A song that has been covered by another artist

16. One of your favourite classical songs

17. A song that would sing a duet with on karaoke

18. A song from before you were born

19. A song that makes you think about life

20. A song that has many meanings to you

21. A favourite song with a person’s name in the title

22. A song that moves you forward

23. A song that you think everybody should listen to

24. A song by a band you wish were still together

25. A song by an artist no longer living

26. A song that makes you want to fall in love

27. A song that breaks your heart

28. A song by an artist with a voice that you love

29. A song that you remember from your childhood

30. A song that reminds you of yourself

So, since I started this on my tumblr yesterday, you'll get them both today.  

So, for number 1: 

Dark Blue--Jack's Mannequin

This night's a perfect shade of dark blue, dark blue. Have you ever been alone in a crowded room? When I'm here with you, I said the world could be burning down. 

aaaaaaaand for number 2: 

9 Crimes--Damien Rice

Leave me out with the waste; this is not what I do. It's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you. It's the wrong time for somebody new. It's a small crime, and I've got no excuse.

This song is amazing. There really isn't much more to say. 

So, there were three other contenders for this one, so I think in the future I'll have a "number in the title" themed post. Runners up: 23--Jimmy Eat World (I already posted about this one), 3rd Planet--Modest Mouse, 33--Coheed and Cambria

I give my gun away when it's loaded. If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it?

Is that alright, is that alright, is that alright with you?

No...

tears and rain

Bittersweet memories, that is all I'm taking with me...

I was in the shower, listening to Left and Leaving by The Weakerthans, when all of the air in my lungs decided to disappear. I was having an anxiety or panic attack, what have you, (something I haven't experienced since my sophomore year of college when physics didn't make any sense to me).

One minute I was shampooing my hair, the next I was gasping for air.

Then I was sobbing uncontrollably. Why you may ask? Guilt. Overwhelming and paralyzing guilt.

Wait for the year to drown, spring forward and fall back down. I'm trying not to wonder where you are.

Those words played over the speakers and I couldn't breathe anymore. My choices fully caught up with me in that moment and I felt sorry, so incredibly sorry. And awful. And wretched. And I felt all the pain that I must have caused you. And it swallowed me and I just collapsed in a breathless heap of shame.

And I'm still driving away, and I'm sorry everyday.

I was cold. I was terrified. I was selfish

It wasn't intended. It wasn't easy. It wasn't fair.

And I am so very sorry. You were the last person to deserve what I did. There are so many things I wish I'd done differently. I shouldn't have shut you out. I shouldn't have let it get as far as it did. But as I established in my previous post, I'm a coward, not half as strong as I'm always pretending to be. You already knew that didn't you? You were singing that lyric to me that day, weren't you?

If you're as tough as your defenses, then let them fall.

I'm not tough, and I'm not strong. I miss you everyday, but I still stand by my decision. Just know that when I think about everything I put you through, the sadness cripples me. I wish I could have made it hurt less or not at all, but I can't change the past. I punish myself for it daily, and the only thing I can say is 'I'm sorry.' And I am, times a thousand, times a million.

'Cause you're afraid to find out all the hope you had sent into the sky by now had crashed, and it did, because of me.

I hate the person I was and somedays I still I am, this monster I feel like I've become.  And I hope you find someone worthy of your love, which I was not. I wish you all of the happiness in the world, even if some days, it costs me my own.

I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this, like every inch of me is bruised

all these things that i have done

I thought this past weekend would give me a much needed vacation from my life in Memphis. I have barely left the city and surrounding area since May, so I thought even a quick jaunt to Jackson and Oxford could provide a small break in the monotony.

I loaded up my iPod with a nice mix of old and new to keep me company. As always, every single song took me to another time, another memory, another heartbreak, another smile. I had 6 hours of Melanie and music time to try and work through them all and clear my head of all the things that are weighing me down and here I am, more confused than ever.

I still don't know what it is that I want. I'm still so lost.

I know that starting over is not what life's about, but my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.

I want to rebuild, move away, start over, to escape all of the things that haunt me here. I can't seem to shake these demons. I go through spurts where I think I've overpowered them, but they always catch up and I'm getting so tired of fighting them off.

Just because I'm hurting, doesn't mean I'm hurt, doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved, no better, no worse

And I act like I am so innocent, but I'm not. I've made my fair share of mistakes and hurt the people I love the most, so I maybe it's karma. But when is it enough? I don't want to be confined to the prison I've built for myself anymore. I'm tired of feeling guilty. The universe forgets that it broke me a long time ago, and I'm still picking up pieces.

No, no, that's me blaming someone else for my transgressions and though there might be a little truth to it, it's cowardly, and I don't want to be a coward. Not anymore.

If you can hold on, hold on

So, I've got to stop running. Running from high school to college to work to possibly a new city, without taking a second to really deal with my pain.

The weight of lies will bring you down, and follow you to every town, 'cause nothing that happens here doesn't happen there. 

A new life doesn't erase the old one. A new city doesn't change the things happened here. I need to fix me and this hurt I'm dragging around before I can really start to change my future. If I don't, I can keep running, but it'll always catch up to me and take me to this dark place where I am now. I don't want to be a sad little girl anymore. I  want to fight for real this time, get this anvil off of my chest and heart. I want to be able to keep them at bay (some things can never be fully eradicated--they will always be a part of you). I want to be able to have the life and love I've always wanted, but never really believed I deserved.

I just don't know how.

So when you run, make sure you run to something and not away, because lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you down.

and i let go, so dishonestly

Choose your last words; this is the last time...

I had a completely different post planned for tonight, but I'm not quite ready to share that one with the world. I shared it with the one person that needed to read it the most, so for now, that is enough for me. 

So instead, I'm going to let the Lumineers speak for me. 

She'll lie and steal and cheat

And beg you from her knees,

Make you think she means it this time. 

She'll tear a hole in you, 

The one you can't repair, 

But I still love her, 

I don't really care. 

It took all of 30 seconds to decide this would be my favorite song of theirs

It's better to feel pain, 

Than nothing at all.

The opposite of love's indifference. 

I am so in love with that line, it's unreal. 

So pay attention now, 

I'm standing your porch, screaming out

And I won't leave until you come downstairs

Pay attention now. I'm screaming for you to hear me out, so I can tell you all of the things I've never had the guts to say, (And I guess by blogging about it passive aggressively, I'm still don't have any).  I need you to listen, really listen. I need you to listen and understand, so I can let it all go. 

I don't blame you, dear, 

for running like you did all these years.

I would do the same, you best believe. 

And I really would. You need to know that you're important to me, and you always will be. And that I don't blame you. For anything. 

But as soon as I press post, all of the memories will remain, but the weight of it all will be gone. It took me so much longer than I wanted, than I pretended, but I think it's time. Finally. After this posts, we're on the same playing field. And maybe we can start a different book instead of a new chapter. And maybe not; that's okay too. I did what I needed to do, said what I needed to say, (both through my own words and others), and now I can breathe a tiny bit easier. 

...because you and I, we were born to die

fight off your demons

Sometimes I really love a long drive. Sometimes I don't, but sometimes I do. I had to drive to Jackson, TN to work this week, so to get me through the boring trip on 40-E, I put on my comfort music: Brand New.

Brand New is my absolute favorite band to listen to in the car. For short trips, I just throw my iPod on shuffle, not really caring which song out of my impeccable musical library may come on next, but for the longer trips, I rely on Jesse Lacey's genius to get me where I'm going. 

So, the time has come, then, for a post dedicated to one of my top three favorite bands. 

Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades

The tickle, the taste of..it used to be the reason I breathed, but now it's choking me up, (die young and save yourself). 

This was the first Brand New song I ever heard. I saw the video on Fuse one afternoon and from the one song, thought, "Hey, that's a band that I could get in to." And get in to, I did. I quickly obtained Your Favorite Weapon and Deja Entendu, and they have remained one of my favorite bands since. 

Luca 

No one can save you now, unless you have friends among fish. There'll still be no air to breathe. You could drink up the entire ocean; I'll still find someone to be everything we know that you'll never be.

This song is from The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me, which was recorded (at least partially), in Oxford, MS. I distinctly remember my friend Elizabeth handing me this CD in Honors Chemistry my freshman year of college. I was instantly hooked. I had almost forgotten about this amazing band, but Elizabeth saved me.

They were getting better with time.

Play Crack the Sky
What they call love is a risk, 'cause you will always get hit out of nowhere by some wave and end up on your own.

Okay, so they're not the most uplifting band, but I don't mind.

I know that this is what you want; a funeral will keep both of us apart. You know that you are not alone; need you like water in my lungs.

I just love that last line. After an oddly themed google image search, it would appear that is the most tattooed Brand New lyric to date. It wouldn't be my first choice, but to each his own.

Soco Amaretto Lime
Off their first album, Your Favorite Weapon, I rocked out to this many nights after getting off at Old Navy. It takes me back to the smell of my old Accord and the thrill of that first summer/fall of having a car, cheerleading practices and trying to get over those first loves, (still working on that one).

You're spending all your nights growing old in your bed and it's all been said. And you're tearin' up your photos 'cause you want to forget...it's over. We're the coolest kids and we take what we can get. 

You're just jealous because we're young and in love.

At the Bottom
And there's a lake, and at the bottom you'll find all my friends. They don't swim because they're all dead. We never are what we intend or invent. 

When my brother and I went to Paris in 2010, we went to the Catacombs, (which is by far the coolest thing we did there). Many stories beneath the one of the greatest cities in the world, the bones of so many strangers are stacked ever so neatly, skulls facing out. When I walked in to that first damp, poorly lit dungeon of a room, At the Bottom immediately started playing in my head, and now consequently, this image pops into my head whenever I hear it.

Now I associate it with the idea that nothing is permanent, that everything has an ending, and that life goes on regardless of change, sadness, death, and destruction. That and the smell of crepes. 

So, that's Brand New 101. I hope you love them as much as I do. 

Some men die under the mountain just looking for gold. Some die looking for a hand to hold.