all these things that i have done

I thought this past weekend would give me a much needed vacation from my life in Memphis. I have barely left the city and surrounding area since May, so I thought even a quick jaunt to Jackson and Oxford could provide a small break in the monotony.

I loaded up my iPod with a nice mix of old and new to keep me company. As always, every single song took me to another time, another memory, another heartbreak, another smile. I had 6 hours of Melanie and music time to try and work through them all and clear my head of all the things that are weighing me down and here I am, more confused than ever.

I still don't know what it is that I want. I'm still so lost.

I know that starting over is not what life's about, but my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.

I want to rebuild, move away, start over, to escape all of the things that haunt me here. I can't seem to shake these demons. I go through spurts where I think I've overpowered them, but they always catch up and I'm getting so tired of fighting them off.

Just because I'm hurting, doesn't mean I'm hurt, doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved, no better, no worse

And I act like I am so innocent, but I'm not. I've made my fair share of mistakes and hurt the people I love the most, so I maybe it's karma. But when is it enough? I don't want to be confined to the prison I've built for myself anymore. I'm tired of feeling guilty. The universe forgets that it broke me a long time ago, and I'm still picking up pieces.

No, no, that's me blaming someone else for my transgressions and though there might be a little truth to it, it's cowardly, and I don't want to be a coward. Not anymore.

If you can hold on, hold on

So, I've got to stop running. Running from high school to college to work to possibly a new city, without taking a second to really deal with my pain.

The weight of lies will bring you down, and follow you to every town, 'cause nothing that happens here doesn't happen there. 

A new life doesn't erase the old one. A new city doesn't change the things happened here. I need to fix me and this hurt I'm dragging around before I can really start to change my future. If I don't, I can keep running, but it'll always catch up to me and take me to this dark place where I am now. I don't want to be a sad little girl anymore. I  want to fight for real this time, get this anvil off of my chest and heart. I want to be able to keep them at bay (some things can never be fully eradicated--they will always be a part of you). I want to be able to have the life and love I've always wanted, but never really believed I deserved.

I just don't know how.

So when you run, make sure you run to something and not away, because lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you down.