through the darkness, guided by a beating heart

I know it can't be much of an update, but I feel obligated to write again.

Being an adult is hard, and harder in all the ways I thought it would be easier. I thought I'd have it figured out by now, or at the very least, more figured out than I do. Which is not at all. People keep saying that I'm not supposed to at this point in my life, but when it feels like everyone else around me does, it's confusing. And heartbreaking. Can't I just skip to the part where I don't feel like every decision I make is a step backwards?

They tell me I'm too young to understand. They say I'm caught up in a dream. Well, life will pass me by if I don't  open up my eyes. 

Well, that's fine by me. 

I've spent most of my time outside of work these past few days alone, just thinking about what I want, and I've come to the conclusion that I don't have a clue. The more I think about it, the more it stresses me out, and the less answers I seem to have. I have always thought I needed a solid life plan, that that was the key to my happiness. But the truth is, plans and me don't work; plans fall apart, leaving me emptier than I thought possible. This isn't a new life lesson. It's just new to mine. 

I tried carrying the weight of the world, but I only have two hands. Hope I get the chance to travel the world, but I don't have any plans. 

So my new plan, for now, is to stop making plans. I just need to take time for me, and the people that mean the most to me, focus on the now, and once I can do that, and I mean really do that, then I know everything will fall into place. Wait, that's a plan. I'm really not good at this. 

So wake me up when it's all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older. 

Unfortunately, there's no fast forward button to skip this phase of uncertainty and chaos. But wouldn't it be nice to know that at 32, I will be a real, functioning adult that doesn't make self-destructive decisions on an almost daily basis? A girl can dream, but probably shouldn't dwell. I'm just going to have to be a twenty-something for now, learning from my mistakes and moving forward, however lost I might feel all of the time. 

All this time I was finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost.