i bruise just like anyone would bruise

"Music is such a personal thing, such a lucky thing. When a song hits you, if it catches you, the stars have to be aligned. If you hear it at the wrong time or at the wrong age, you’re never going to f****** get it" --Martin Freeman


I read this quote months ago, and it's been sitting in my drafts, just waiting to be posted, but I had to decide if I agreed with it or not.

I've decided. I do.

My example is actually an entire album: Manchester Orchestra's Simple Math. When it came out, I was completely apathetic to every song, save Virgin. I loved their previous work, but for some reason couldn't get into it. I dismissed it (creative differences, you know), and moved on with my musical life.

About three weeks ago Leave it Alone snuck up on me while I was getting ready for one thing or another and it floored me.

So take me or don't, a three hour drive and we got nowhere close...

You read what I wrote, but you tuned the sound out to make sure I know. Even though I can't see, I feel it's always haunting me, kicking out my feet, ruining everything.

I'm definitely in a better place than I was, but some days are so much harder than others. Everyone has their damage. Everyone has their demons. Everyone deals with them in a different way.

My way has so many flaws.

When I was a fire, I turned into ice, melting off my last feverish highs. And I leapt through the sunshine and into the night, singing songs of my healthiest fears.

My healthiest fear? Ending up alone. Letting this battle raging inside of me consume me and ruin the good things I have, which are plentiful. I want what everyone else wants. I need what everyone else needs. And I just have to remember that it's an okay thing to admit. It doesn't make me weak. It doesn't make me needy. It doesn't diminish all of my accomplishments. It only makes me human. (fightoffyourdemons, fightoffyourdemons, fightoffyourdemons).

Then there is Deer.

Half a year, and here you are again. I'd go out in public if nobody ever asked. I sit home and drink alone and hope that bottle speaks...like you, like us, like me.

I don't know what to do with me no more.

I really don't know what to do with me some days. I started my adult life a year ago, and I still don't know what I want. I still have yet to feel whole again.

Dear everyone I ever really knew, I acted like an asshole so I could keep my edge on you.

Well doesn't that line just hit home? I've posted about it before, the whole I'm trying to prove to everyone I need no one thing. I wish I could say I've made some progress in this, but I can't. I may even have more walls up than before, (letting them down, only to get crushed once again will do that to you).

But I'm hungry now, and the scraps are dirty dirt.

I've got to get it together.

Pale Black Eye

So hold on, you pale black eye, 'cause when I sleep, I sleep alone.

And if I don't get it together, that's the way it will always be. And it's not what I want.

fightoffyourdemons, fightoffyourdemons, fightoffyourdemons.





So take me or don't. I've built up this kingdom you'd hopefully loathe. 
If we end up alone, a plague on my head and a curse in my home....