If you knew me at all a year ago, you know that I was in a terrible place this time last year. I was a shell of myself; I had let all of my dark overtake my light, and it felt like I'd never really be whole again. I was still running from everything in my past, and I was someone I didn't know. Or like.
I moped around for months, gave up on fighting off my demons, and basically blamed the world for making me feel that way. Then I pulled a Katy Perry and decided that enough was enough:
I picked myself back up. I put one foot in front of the other, and I looked in the mirror, and decided to stay.
Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way.
I started weeding out the negative people in my life, the people that somehow actually made me feel worse about myself. I used the time and energy I was wasting on those people to develop and grow the friendships that truly mattered. Once I sucked all the poison out of my life, my light came back. And then everything fell into place again.
I want to have friends, that I can trust, that love me for the man that I am, and not the man that I was.
The latter part of my year was filled with self improvement physically. I ran a half marathon two weeks ago. This girl that couldn't run two miles six months ago, ran all 13.1 and actually finished in a decent time. I did something I've never done before: I did something for me and only me. And I felt something I haven't felt since graduating: pride in myself. And not just for completing the half, but for making that change. And I couldn't have done it without my friends and family.
What do I do when my love is away? Does it worry you to be alone? How do I feel by the end of the day?Are you sad because you're on your own? No, I get by with a little help from my friends.
This past weekend, I had the BEST birthday celebration of my life. I have never been more humbled, gracious, and happy. I was looking around at brunch, at the faces that traveled to see me, that dedicated their whole weekend to my sassy, demanding self, and I was overwhelmed. My 25th birthday was one of my darkest, and here I was, just 365 days later, and my 26th was turning out to be my brightest. And when my family showed up to my party that night, and I was surrounded by my friends and family, I realized how truly lucky I am. Some days I don't deserve it. I am demanding and bossy and loud and most of the time, I am a pain in the ass. But these people who spent the weekend with me don't care; they love me anyway.
"Opening your heart and being courageous and telling people that you care about them or like them or that you think they're special only makes you a better, bigger, kinder, softer, more loving person, and it only attracts more love into your life."
-Amy Poehler
Loving my friends and family makes me a better version of myself, someone I'm proud of, someone I really like. I know I say "love you" a lot, and maybe it seems strange, but I don't care. I want the people I care about the most to know it. I have so much love to give, and I don't love anything with half of my heart. And now that I have picked the right people to pour that love into, I, in turn, have never felt so loved.
If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected. Decide what to be and go be it.
So, to this group of people that has shown me that I am enough, that I have light inside of me, that I am worthy of love, thank you. Thank you for not only this weekend, but for bringing me back. Thank you for accepting me without condition.
Thank you for everything.
Come just as you are to me. Don't need apologies. Know that you are worthy. I'll take your bad days with your good. Walk through the storm I would. I do it all because I love you.
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