higher devotion

The AUX cord for my iPhone is all but broken, so I've resorted to listening to, (gasp!), CDs. While I miss the casual uncertainty of shuffle, it's nice to revisit whole CDs without interruption (or the temptation of interruption).

Case in point: Jimmy Eat World's Invented

This album is truly fantastic, even if it is a deviation from their normal. My previous favorites from Invented were Invented, The Heart is Hard to Find and Cut. This go around, though, the songs that struck me were Littlething and Mixtape. 

Let's start with Mixtape:

Maybe we could put your tape back on. Rewind until the moment we went wrong. I was always just a little bit lost. Knowing what I do, I should have fought.

You don't get to walk away, walk away now. It's too late, you can't walk away now. 

But people do. 

And I was only there to sing your song. What were you protecting yourself from?

I can't tell you how much I love that string of words: I was only there to sing your song. I can't explain it in words, but that line hits home. It knocked the breath out of me today. 

Moving on to Littlething:

It's how I've often felt, when I find myself on nights like these, like Christmas Eve. From the empty office window, to the street outside. It's everything not to call and find out why.

You can tell yourself you're strong (you might be) and that you are better off (you definitely are), but there is always some small moment, some little thing that hits you when you're least expecting it. It's the perfect combination of being alone and reminded of a happier time. Then for maybe five minutes, you dwell on that one thing, wondering how it all could have gone so wrong when it started out feeling so right. 

On the cab ride you said nothing, just hair all in your face. I was scared to name it and nothing changed. So, I walked until I just couldn't, too late I understood. It was always half invented, but the other half was good.

It was always half invented, but the other half was good

It was always half invented

And then the stars aligned. Sometimes you find out things about people after the fact, lies and half truths, and then it all starts making more (but really less), sense. That's why there was so much good but still so much bad: half of it wasn't real. I initially thought I was going to spiral back down into a sadness, but I didn't. I thought about it, laughed a little and kept on driving. Losing someone you love hurts, there's no denying it, but losing someone it turns out you only half love hurts less. 

Just a little thing, buried in the other things...

In my defense (and despite my temporary blindness), the other half really was good. So good.

don't speak

Because I can and none of you remember which challenge I did last, we're jumping to 'Song(s) That Break Your Heart' for today's post.

Breaking up is hard to do, kids. It sucks. It hurts. It leaves you feeling empty and unsure of your every move. So self aware, too self aware even. You have all this extra time you never even realized you were spending some other way. What do you mean I've done all my laundry, worked out, grocery shopped, watched some TV and it's ONLY 9:30??

You know what doesn't help? Listening to sad songs. But it's true that misery loves company, so when your heart is broken and you think you've run out of tears, here are some songs to listen to and get you all choked up again.

You're welcome.

1) Burn--Ray LaMontagne

Ain't it clear when I'm near you, I'm just dying to hear you calling my name one more time. Oh so don't  pay no mind to my watering eyes, must be something in the air that I'm breathing.

Are you weeping yet? Yeah, me neither...Anyway, this is one of my favorite of Ray's. It's so simple, so pure, so honest. You feel his pain because it's your pain.

Yes and try to ignore all this blood on the floor, it's just this heart on my sleeve that's bleeding. 

Oh, so kiss him again, just to prove to me that you can, and I will stand here and burn in my skin.

We've all been there, so broken, so consumed with rage, confusion, and devastation, that it feels like our very skin is on fire, and no kind words or advice could stop the spread. It traps you, paralyzes you. Misery, meet company.

2) Only One--Yellowcard

Broken this fragile thing now, and I cant, I can't pick up the pieces. And I've thrown my words all around but I can't, I can't give you a reason.

Ah, now the break-upee has become the break-upper.  A self-sacrificing break up, to save you both! A courageous act! A noble deed (in the long run)! It hurts less this way! FALSE. It all hurts the same.

Here I go, so dishonestly, leave a note, for you my only one. And I know, you can see right through me. So let me go and you will find someone.

We don't want someone else. We want our world to remain intact and by letting us go, it crumbles to our feet. Then what? Do you know how long it takes to pick up the pieces of something like that? To lessen the blow? I don't know the exact time, but it seems like eons.

3) Morning Song--The Lumineers

The carbonation in my drink, the bubbles rise while my heart sinks. And all I tend to do is think of you.

For the first part of a break up, someone could say Somalian banana chips and you'll find yourself connecting it to some memory of the person who left you. Glass oranges (tears), Cap'n' Crunch (full out wailing), Alligator (crumples to the floor, gasping for air).

And it's a shame that it ends this way, with nothing left to say. So just sit on your hands while I walk away. It's a shame, it's a shame, it's a shame. 

When my hands begin to shake, when bitterness is all I taste, and my car won't start 'cause I cut the brakes, I hold on to a hope in my fate.

Ok, so every good break-up deserves some over-dramatization, because in that moment when it's happening to you, it's as if your life ended on the spot. Just a series of words, and you're done. What now? What next? How?

That's all for today.

May you return to love one day, well I hope and I pray you get what you gave..
Oh, oh, Ah, ah. Hey, hey.

the stars are brightly shining

Okay, it's officially starting to feel like Christmas, so it's time for a post reflecting that.

Let me just say, I LOVE CHRISTMAS MUSIC.

Seriously, sometimes I start listening in September. It's just some of the most uplifting, fill your heart with warmth, smile from ear to ear kind of music. And though I'm not very religious, I appreciate all kinds of Christmas music from the playful Jingle Bell Rock to the eloquent God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.

I don't understand people that hate Christmas music. It's like hating puppies. Or Harry Potter. It's just not normal.

Here are some of my favorites:

Baby, It's Cold Outside
Ever since my beloved Zooey sang it in Elf, it has been in my top ten. I know it's not necessarily a Christmas song, (I don't think anything related to Christmas is ever actually mentioned), but it's still fun and it makes me happy.

What Christmas Means To Me.
I see your smiling face, like I've never seen before. And though I love you madly, it seems I love you more.

Love, love, love. It always makes me want to dance around and sing at the top of my lungs, (which I refrain from for the most part--you're welcome). And I'm not going to lie, I prefer the Hanson version. Sue me, (though the Stevie Wonder version isn't too shabby either)

Good King Wenceslas
Good message, excellent linguistics style. I remember memorizing this in the fifth grade as part of our learning about Victorian Era Christmas. It's stayed with me since and I always look forward to hearing it this time of year.

Carol of the Bells
I mean really, how can you not like this song?


And now for my all-time favorite song of the season:

O Holy Night
Not only one of my favorite Christmas songs, it's one of my favorite songs overall. It doesn't matter how bad of a day, how angry or sad I am about something, this song can always brings me back. I feel instant warmth and happiness wash over me when I listen to it. It's beautiful, so pure and calming.

Fall on your knees, oh hear the angel voices. Oh night, divine...Oh night, when Christ was born.

Merry Christmas, y'all.

this is my kingdom come

I'm in a weird place right now...

I was going to do a holiday themed post, but it just doesn't feel like the holidays yet, so you're getting a hodge podge of all the songs I'm digging right now that aren't Taylor Swift's 'All Too Well.'

Ghosts That We Knew--Mumford & Sons
So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light, 'cause oh that gave me such a fright. But I will hold as long as you like, just promise me we'll be alright.

Can anyone promise that? Is forever truly attainable? Am I a cynic? I don't think that's the point M&S were trying to make, but that's all I hear. So if I don't know if I can believe in forever, how long can I really hold on? Jesus, I'm toxic.

But the ghosts that we knew made us black and all blue, but we'll live a long life. 

And the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view and we'll live a long life.

I really hope so. My arms are already tired.


Angels--the XX
LOVE this album, one the best of the year. I thought Sunsets would be my favorite song on it, but Angels snuck up on me I've changed allegiances. It's a simple love song, and it's absolutely gorgeous.

And with words unspoken, a silent devotion. I know you know what I mean and the end is unknown, but I think I'm ready as long as you're with me.


Love is Greed--Passion Pit
My Passion Pit obsessions come in spurts. I have no idea why I'm so fixated on this song at the moment to be honest, but I'm okay with it.

Don't want to love, don't wanna hurt. If all that loneliness requires is just another's comfort. Better off being a lonely road, 'cause there's beauty in being alone.

While I don't completely agree with this, there is a ring of truth in the words...

Love is just greed and it's almost taken me.


I For You--The All American Rejects.
I just saw them for the second time last night, and I was once again impressed. They have such a great energy and honestly, the show was just a really fun time, a much needed distraction. It only half worked because in prep, I've been listening to their newest work, and this song won't leave my head.

Was I good enough? Was I bad enough? When I wanted more, yeah, you had enough. But nobody's gonna try for you. Nobody's gonna do like I for you.

I don't feel like that's a stretch either. When it comes to liking pretty much anything, I don't half-ass it. I really love it. Friends, boyfriends, books, fandoms. When I commit, I commit. And so to feel like you're trying your hardest to show that love and getting barely half in return is disheartening and it makes you feel about five inches tall. Maybe I should take a page form Phil Dunphy's book and set my expectations lower, so the disappointment isn't so crushing.

Somebody's getting by for you. I don't bend, I just break in two. Somebody like me, I'd die for you.


Demons--Imagine Dragons
I didn't intend on jumping on this bandwagon, but it happened. And I'm so glad it did.

Don't want to let you down, but I am hell bound. Though this is all for you, don't want to hide the truth. No matter what we breed, we still are made of greed.

I told you I was in a weird place.

It's where my demons hide.

down the stairs, i was there

Curse you, Taylor Swift.

I'm mostly apathetic about her music; it's just not my thing. She has some catchy stuff, but I don't generally go out of my way to listen to her (and I HATE that Never Getting Back Together song...so much). But things change. I recently downloaded her album Red for a friend, and I thought I'd give it a try, just to see. I wasn't clawing my ears off, and I also wasn't hitting repeat. Until I stumbled across All Too Well.

Holy. Feelings.

It's like she's in my head or something, or maybe she's roughly my age and she just happens to be able to put into song all the things that we as young girls in love tend to feel and think. Maybe.

Definitely.

The autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place, and I can picture it after all these days.  And I know it's long gone, and that magic's not here no more, and I might be okay, but I'm not fine at all.

Double negative aside, I really couldn't have said it better myself.

And I know it's long gone, and there was nothing else I could do, and I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to.

Seriously, who told her? I mean, had this song come out this time last year, I would have immediately lost it, as I almost did Sunday night when I heard it for the first time. I can't stop listening to it; I'm hypnotized by its truth. It hits too close to home. I just...I can't.

Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,  but maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up. 

Running scared, I was there. I remember it all too well. 

It's amazing the memories you hold on to, the smells, the touches, the words, the way that smile hit the light just right, the feeling of being complete in that moment, the sheer happiness, the hope for the future, then the gut wrenching feeling of the end, the tears, the loss of all of your plans. I definitely remember it all too well.

You call me up again to just to break me like a promise, so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

That may be my favorite line of the song.

'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so, back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known. It was rare, I was there. I remember it all too well.

And that's the best part, the past tense of it all. Though I'm no longer in that place anymore, and that's but a closed chapter, it doesn't make the words any less haunting, any less true, any less vivid. I got punched in the mouth once, so out of the blue, that I didn't even realize I was in a fight. That's what this song is, it's being punched before you can even realize what's happening. Then you're feeling so many things you've tried to forget that you fear you might explode, and the only thing you can do is push repeat.

But it's done. It's a memory. And when I have exhausted all of those feelings I put on Begin Again, and I'll leave you with the place I'm at now:

And you throw you head back laughing like a little kid. I think it's strange that you think I'm funny 'cause he never did. 

I've been spending the last eight months, thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end. But on a Wednesday in a cafe, I watched it begin again..

i'm but a clean man, a stable and alone man

Also doubling as one of my top five favorite songs, I Can Feel a Hot One by Manchester Orchestra wins this day's music challenge of a song that makes you think about life.

It's one of the few songs, as I've mentioned before, that always gives me  chills when I listen to it. I am forever indebted to my friend TC for opening my ears to this gem.  

I remember head down, after you found out. Manna is a hell of a drug. I need a little more I think because enough is never quite enough. What's enough?

It's a song I often make people listen to in its entirety,  and I don't allow talking while it's playing. 

I took it like a grown man, crying on the pavement, hoping you would show your face. I haven't heard a thing you've said in at least a couple hundred days, what'd you say?

When I hear that particular line, I often picture a car crash that involves the singer's wife. He's distraught; the person he loves could be dying and he doesn't know how to make it better. It's the type of man I want to love me. It's the type of love that I want. Does that make me slightly morbid? Who knows? I'm unconcerned. 

I was in the front seat, shaking it out, and I was asking if you felt alright. I never want to hear the truth. I want to hear your voice is sounding fine, my voice is sounding fine. 

Only solidifying the picture made in my mind. 

And I could feel my heartbeat taking me down and for the moment I would sleep alright. Invading with a selfish fear to keep me up another restless night, another restless night. 

But why is he so heartbroken? Did he do this? WHAT IS GOING ON? All I know is that at the point in the song, I am experiencing all of the feelings related to love and sadness and loss and life and pain and survival.

The blood was dry, it was sober, the feeling of audible cracks. And I could tell it was over by the curtains that hung from your neck. And realized then you were perfect, with my teeth ripping out of my head, and it looked like a painting I once knew back when my thoughts were not entirely intact.

A line that will forever remain engrained in my head: And I realized then you were perfect with my teeth ripping out of my head...What imagery, what lyricism, what beauty. 

So I prayed for what I thought were angels, ended up being ambulances, and the Lord showed me dreams of my daughter, she was crying inside your stomach. And I felt love...again. 

And a love song that I thought was about death and dying turned about to be about new life. A twist, the Prestige if you will, finely crafted, and delivered impeccably. Andy Hull and company forever have my respect and admiration because of this song (their other stuff is fantastic, but this song just stays with me always).

I recently read somewhere on the internet (so take this with a grain of salt) that the song was written as a coping mechanism of being away from his girlfriend/wife while on tour with the band. I don't know if that's true, but now I listen to the song with a different perspective: being away from the one you love, missing them so much that it hurts. But it also brings the image of being reunited, and the sheer unfaltering happiness that comes with it, not only with spouses and such, but with family and friends too.

So, in a segway of sorts to the upcoming holiday, I am thankful for all of the loved ones in my life, family or otherwise, that I will reunite with this holiday season. The ones from New Zealand, Boston, Oklahoma, Arizona, DeSoto County, Jackson, (hopefully) Pennsylvania. I'm also thankful for the ones I won't be seeing this go around, but will hopefully see in the months after (I'm looking at you Florida). This doesn't even cover my Pharmacy people so spread out around this country that it makes me sad; I miss you all so much and wish you the happiest of holidays (our first without one another close by).

Absence does make the heart grow fonder. And the reuniting that much sweeter.

Peace and Blessin's y'all.

we don't have much room to live

So, as per usual, I have not been a very good blogger. A lot of things have been going on in my world. Some good, some bad, some great, but nonetheless I have been a busy little bee. So now I'm going to dive right back into this music challenge that's more than likely going to take me ten years to finish instead of 30 days. 

So the next one on the list is a song to drive to. I thought about this one more than the others, because my favorite time to listen to any music is when I'm driving, so narrowing this down to a single song proved to be difficult. But, fear not, I rose to the occasion and have decided up Konstantine by Something Corporate. 

And if I hurt you, then I'm sorry. Please don't think that this was easy.

If you remember my Andew McMahon post, then you'll recall that Something Corporate is his "first band." Konstantine is by far and wide my favorite SC song. It's beautiful. And it makes your heart sad and happy and nostalgic and all of the other feelings that exist. And it's almost ten minutes long. And it's basically perfection. And it's hard to appreciate fully unless you're all alone, without distraction and interruption…hence why it should be listened to in the car. 

I've been thinking that it hurts me thinking that these nights that we've been drinking, they never got us anywhere, no…

Breaking up, trying to let go, holding on, not being able to break old habits, having love in your heart that you can't really do anything with; that's what I hear when I hear Konstantine

It's to Jimmy Eat World and those nights in my car, when the first star you see may not be a star. I'm not your star.

It makes me think of something my friend Marya told me that her mom told her--something about having chemistry with someone is easy, the timing is the hard part. Timing. Timing. Timing. What a funny idea, what a funnily accurate observation. I think people have multiple soul mates and true loves, but it's finding yours at the right time that makes all of the difference. I know that's true now more than ever. And it doesn't mean that you love or care about any of those other loves any more or any less, it just wasn't quite right, which is no one's fault. It just wasn't enough.

It's not hard to dream--you'll always be my Konstantine. 

And you will. And I will.

And then you'd bring me home, 'cause we both know what it's like to be alone...