angels. airwaves.

If I had my own world, I'd build you an empire


It's time for a little background on the name of this blog. I know, I know, you've been dying to know, so without further ado, here it is:

Secret Crowds by Angels & Airwaves

If I had my own world, I'd love it for all that's inside it. There'd be no more wars, deaths or riots

If I had my own world, I'd show you the life that's inside it, the way that it glows  when you find it, the way it survives with its families, friends or its enemies.


I don't particularly know why this song speaks to me so much. Of course, I think families and friends and such are essential for a happy life. And I'm all for a more peaceful world, but I'm also a realist that understands that utopia doesn't exist and wars are needed to maintain order (to an extent). So, what is it?

Let me feel you, carry you higher, watch our words spread hope like fire.

To me, it's more about finding peace within yourself, which is an important and attainable thing. To those who have found it, I am envious. I feel like I'm close, but then the fact that I'm even talking/thinking/analyzing about it only proves that I'm not. That's really neither here nor there as far as this particular post is concerned. I fell in love with this song because of one line, the one that that lends this blog its name. It's the one soon to be permanently inked on my body. It's four simple words that I want to live my life by. It's the constant reminder to love and not carry around negativity. It's my rock.



If I had my own world, I'd build you an empire, from here to the far lands, to spread love like violence.

blame it on my ADD, baby

Okay, upon late night perusing of my favorite sites, (Buzzfeed, Tumblr, and sometimes Reddit), I came across the link for the Billboard 50 Sexiest Songs.

It's all wrong. All wrong.

I mean, I can joke about Ray J's Sexy Can I being my jam all day long, but to actually make a list, THIS list, is just asinine.

Wild Thing by Tone Loc? These people can't be serious. These songs are jokes, written to invoke laughter and ironic white guy dancing. They aren't being for real, guys!

Okay, so about half of the list consists of Donna Summer, and maybe I can see one or two, but last time I checked it was 2012 and they have actually made new music since the disco era. Crazy.

I feel like the list was actually "50 Songs You Wish They'd Stop Playing at Weddings,"  and someone thought it'd be hilarious to re-name it the sexiest songs. SERIOUSLY, Akon feat. Eminem's Smack That and an R. Kelly song made the list. This is what's wrong with America. These things are not sexy.

Songs that I'm not entirely confused as to why they made the list: Love in This Club--Usher/Young Jeezy, Lollipop--Weezy, Candy Shop--50 Cent, and I'll Make Love to You--Boy II Men.

Want to know what is listed as NUMBER ONE? Let's Get Physical--Olivia Newton John. This has to be a joke or trolling incident, yeah? I can't even wrap my head around this ludicrousness. So, because I'm appalled by this atrocious list and apparently have better taste than most of the internet (sike, sort of), I'm going to give you my top 10.

10. Bounce--Timbaland (with Missy, Dr. Dre, JT)
       Sorry I'm so demandin', but save the dancin' for back at the 
       mansion...

9. Heartbeat--Childish Gambino
      I come around when you least expect me. I'm sitting at the bar 
      when your glass is empty

8. Gotta Be Somebody's Blues--Jimmy Eat World
      Let the virus spread. She's the silk lining in my bed.

7. Helter Skelter--The Beatles
      Tell me, tell me, tell me the answer. You may be a lover, but you 
      ain't no dancer.

6. Sail--AWOLNATION
     Maybe I'm a different breed. Maybe I'm not listening.

5. Degausser--Brand New
     Take me, take me back to your bed. I love you so much that it hurts 
     my head. Say, I don't mind you under my skin. I let the bad parts in, 
     the bad parts in.

4. Whole Lotta Love--Led Zeppelin
     I'm gonna give you every inch of my love.

3. Starstruck--Santigold
     Can't make it feel right on my own. That's when I turn you on again.

2. Daisy--Brand New
     I'm a sun that doesn't burn hot. I'm a moon that never shows its 
     face. I'm a mouth that doesn't smile. I'm a word that no one 
     ever wants to say.

1. When the Lights Go Out--The Black Keys
     You know what the sun's all about, when the lights go out.


Honorable Mentions: Closer--Nine Inch Nails, You'll Find a Way--Santigold, Flux and Flow--LIGHTS, Counting Bodies Like Sheep..--A Perfect Circle, Need You Tonight--INXS, and ET--Katy Perry (with or without Kanye)


Just have a listen, and if you get music at all, you'll totally understand. Everyone feels music a little differently, so all of these songs may not bring out the sexy in you, but you have to admit they're way better than what Billboard picked out.

I want to walk on your wavelength, and be there when you vibrate. For you I'd risk it all.

wood and nails

It's funny how a song can change your mood.

First song:

Jesus Christ: Brand New

Do you believe you're missing out? That everything good is happening somewhere else? But with nobody in your bed, the night's hard to get through. 

And I, will die, all alone. And when I, arrive, I won't know anyone. 

Okay, so it seems a little depressing, and maybe it is, but it's still one of my favorites. Jesse Lacey's impeccable lyrics never fail to amaze me. If you read my previous post, you can probably understand the song's appeal to me, particularly at this juncture in my life. 

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die. I'm a little bit scared of what comes after. Do I get the gold chariot? Or do I float through the ceiling? 

Do I, divide, and pull apart? Because my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark. 

I think a lot about the after. Not necessarily the after of death, but just the after of everything. What happens after I turn 25? 30? What happens when my fears of not being able to be loved come to fruition?What happens when everyone I know is married and I'm still watching Community reruns in my pajamas on a Saturday night? What happens when my career isn't enough, but it's too late for much else? What happens after my dark sucks all the light out of me?

You can see how this song, however lyrically elegant, can be emotionally draining. It definitely doesn't lighten any moods, but feeds off my insecurities and fears, propelling them and adding to the layers. It's a real dementor of a song. So, after listening to it, I was doing the deep thought, pitiful fist to cheek lean into my car window, wallowing a bit in self pity. Then, the iPod gods shuffled to something completely different. 

Second song:

The Heart of Life: John Mayer

I hate to see you cry, lying there in that position. There's things you need to hear. So turn off your tears and listen.

For the record, I WASN'T crying. But okay, Mr. Mayer, I'm listening. 

You know, it's nothing new. Bad news never had good timing. Then, the circle of your friends will defend the silver lining. 

And then I stopped slouching into my window and sat a little straighter. 

Pain throws your heart to the ground. Love turns the whole thing around. No, it won't all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good. 

And just like that, I was smiling. My mood changed instantly. I'd love to tell you that a simple John Mayer song can turn a heartless robot into June Cleaver, but that's just not real. But, a day that was starting a bit sour, got a little sweeter. It lifted my spirits just enough to remind me that hope is still something I can feel. Real problems have complicated solutions. Fairy god mothers don't wave their wands and make your dreams come true. It's not going to be an easy road, but it's going to be worth it. And it's imperative that I am reminded of this periodically, because if not, my dark will overtake my bright for good. 

I'm not going to stop listening to Jesus Christ, and I'm not going to start listening to The Heart of Life more often, but I am going to keep my chin up, however heavy my head and heart may be.. 

Lately things have been less than stellar and a bit suffocating, but I know the heart of life is good..

ender will save us all

Sometimes I just need a good cry.

Sometimes I just need a good cry to Dashboard Confessional. Hey, I can get emo too.

This turpentine chaser's got kick, and the rag that it's soaked in is rich.

Why do I need a good cry? A plethora of tiny reasons, really, (roughly ninety-nine, though males are not one). I don't like to cry. It makes me feel weak and out of control, so sometimes when I'm having a string of bad luck, I light some candles, draw a hot bath, and let the tears flow. If I can control when I cry, then I'm still in control and it's not weak; it's scheduled. Yes, I have issues.

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has. 
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all. 
(Oh, look now, there you go with hope again).

I've always prided myself on my gift of determination. I'm a goal getter. I generally get what I want once I set my mind to it. Until recently, it had never really occurred to me that my gift could also be my curse. Also, I'm highly self-sufficient, so this coupled with determination makes me a non-trusting control freak, which in turn has been destroying my social well being and my sanity.

Don't blink, everyone's watching. They'll think you're up to something.
They need for you to be everything they cannot be themselves.

I thought finishing school would finally allow me the chance to experience the world. I thought I could balance work and life, and actually live. It turns out that I'm a little too neurotic for that. I was given more responsibility earlier on because I'm hungry for power and I'm relatively good at what I do. This extra responsibility turned into earlier mornings and staying late (which has led to exhaustion). This was not required of me, but I required it of myself.  This has made me realize my biggest weakness is trust. This is why I can't delegate effectively, (and why I go in early/stay late to get things done). This is why I push people away when they get too close too quickly. This is why I can't be a part of a healthy adult relationship. This is why I needed a good cry.

So don't be a liar, 
don't say that everything's working when everything's broken..


Making up a history; it's nothing from the life you lead, 
but man will they buy all your lines.

I feel like my good friends have known about this trust issue for some time now, but knew that I would blatantly deny it if brought to my attention. Excuses made for each instance. Denial dominating my thought processes. But it all seems so clear now. I don't fully trust anyone. I'm constantly waiting for everyone in my life to disappoint me, because the few truly hard times I've had in my life, (yes, I've had some), the people I put my faith in, destroyed it. And it broke me. It still breaks me. So, I did what I'm currently doing best: trusting no one but myself. If I disappoint myself, it's on me. If I mess it up, it's my fault. I can control me, but I can't control you. And if I can't control your actions towards me, then you'll undoubtedly leave me and take bits of me with you, and I will have to feel that pain all over again. This is not acceptable, therefore it is not allowed.

Your pulse is anemic. You're tired of the fire.
You're bruising too easy and falling behind
And no one is waiting for you.

On the surface it appears that I trust everyone, maybe even a little too much. Don't be fooled; it's an act, a lie. I don't trust you, and I'm always looking for reasons not to. I'm waiting for you to abandon me. I'm waiting for you to realize that I'm not worth it. I'm pushing you away so I don't get hurt when you come to that realization. I'm actively sabotaging our relationship. I'm just biding my time until, sooner or later, every single one of you proves me right. I'm a heartless robot trying to show everyone that I need no one.

And I'm going to end up bitter and all alone, which suits me some days. But then I have a good cry and remember that feeling something is better than feeling nothing. I had one of those days today. And I decided that maybe I have a problem, and maybe I need to fix it before I self-destruct and no one is there to help me with the pieces.

And you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone, or anyone at all...
And the grave that you refuse to leave, 
The refuge that you've built to flee,
The places that you've come to fear the most
Is the place that you have come to fear the most.

i haven't changed a bit

Man, being a real adult is hard, y'all.

I've been driving all over Memphis these past weeks, which combined with constant road work on 240/I-55, has given me ample time for listening to some newly acquired tunes. Here are some current favorites of mine:

Settle Down/No Doubt:
Wait a Minute/The Hives
King and Lionheart/Of Monsters and Men
Flowers in Your Hair/The Lumineers
National Anthem/Lana Del Ray
Bad Religion/Frank Ocean
Out on the Town/Fun.
Help, I'm Alive/Metric
Amazing Eyes/Good Old War
Same Mistakes/The Echo Friendly
Ships/Lady Danville


Some are not quite so new, but newly obsessed over by me. To my delight, my recent discovery of The Lumineers has also coincided with a show announcement in Oxford at the Lyric, (which is dominating right now--Passion Pit is playing there too!).

As you know, I generally listen to music that reflects my current state of emotions, but this list is a definite exception. I just really like these songs, and I have no real connection to them other than that. Sort of. Yet.

Flowers in Your Hair:
So, now I think that I could love you back, and I hope it's not too late, 'cause you're attractive. And the way you move, I won't close my eyes. It takes a man to live. It takes a woman to make him compromise.


Be in my eyes, be in my heart.


Really, this is silly, picking out a favorite. I also love Classy Girls, Stubborn Love, and Ho Hey. I foresee a post dedicated entirely to The Lumineers by the time I see them in Oxford. They're simply delightful.


National Anthem:
Money is the anthem, of success, so put on mascara and your party dress


There is just something about this song. I cannot get enough of it. I seriously had it on repeat the entire way to work one morning. The video is also...interesting. You should check it out if you haven't already done yourself that favor. I know her album has been out a while, but I just now really started getting into it. I am also in love with Born to Die


Bad Religion:
If it brings me to my knees, It's a bad religion


This unrequited love, to me it's nothing but a one man cult and cyanide in my styrofoam cup. I could never make him love me, never make him love me, no, no.

This song is just so powerful. His voice is full of real pain, and it pulls you in, makes you hurt with him, feel his vulnerability. Unrequited love is one of the worst feelings, though it's one that many people, including myself, feel, and he really captures it in this song. I am meh about the rest of the album thus far, but a few more listens could change that.

Amazing Eyes:

You're a little bit broken and I'm a little bit broken. When we put ourselves together, my oh my. And you may not understand it, but something here is working. So, I don't mind, I don't mind, 'cause you're mine...you're mine.

I am in love with this band right now. Every song is just so beautiful. I heard this one, and I was immediately swept off of my feet. Do these men actually exist, that speak so affectionately about women? Even if they are few and far between, it gives me hope that maybe I can be someone's amazing eyes, (okay, that was my one sappy moment of the post--moving on).

Same Mistakes:

My friends are all a drag. They think I'm such a flake. They want to go to bed, I want to stay up late, walking the streets alone, thinking of you 'til dawn. I make the same mistakes

I heard this for the first time on the HBO show Girls (it has the BEST music). It's simple, to the point, and so incredibly real. We all make mistakes, but it seems there are some that I refuse to learn from, no matter how much I say I have or want to. I'd like to think that other 20 somethings trying to find their place in the universe do the same. 

So, those are the newest additions to my "Current Loves" playlist on iTunes. I'm always looking for new music, so if you think there's something you're listening to that I'd like, please share!

If we're still alive, then my regrets are few. If my life is mine, what shouldn't I do?

Taking Back Sunday Sunday

I never made a scene (well, they came to me).

It's that time again, kids! My trek to work these past few weeks has given me ample time for listening to music, and due to that, I've recently listened to Where You Want to Be from start to finish. I've never listened to one of their albums (minus New Again--yikes) in its entirety and thought, "well that was a let down." It's quite the opposite; I tend to fall in love with them all over again. 

Set Phasers to Stun

We paint our sins on the ceiling, I keep them glued to my chest. It keeps me close like a promise kept

I remember getting this CD back in high school, and I could not get enough of it. I listened to it over and over and over. As a result, the lyrics are ingrained in me. I couldn't forget them if I wanted to, (and  I don't). I guarantee I'll be the 90 year old lady trying to mic swing like Adam from my wheelchair, belting out these songs that helped get me through high school, (I envision being in trouble a lot in this home). I've already posted about them changing my life. That was a for real thing.

Bonus Mosh Pt. 2

(It's love, it's love) I wanted you for nothing more, (make it hurt; I deserve it), than hating you for what you were

There is something about that line that brings a Grinch-style smirk to my lips. 

A Decade Under the Influence

Anyone will do tonight, anyone will do tonight. Close your eyes, just settle, settle

I waited for what seemed like years for that music video to premier, and remember this is "back in the day" when I had no idea how to pirate anything, and I had to actually wait for these things to hear anything new from my favorite bands. 

This Photograph is Proof (I Know You Know)

So we're talking forever, and you almost feel better, but better's no excuse for tonight. You see it's never bad enough to just leave or give up, but it's never good enough to feel right.

New American Classic

See the months they don't matter, it's the days I can't take, when the hours move to minutes and I'm seconds away. 

Such a tragically beautiful song. To my sheer delight, my brother would sometimes play it on his guitar,and I've always imagined walking down the aisle, (if ever), to an instrumental version of it, (SN: Vitamin String Quartet's cover of TBS is phenomenal). 

I Am Fred Astaire

Well, I flipped every switch that I could find on my way out just to upset you more (just to keep you busy), just to make you angry, (just because you were right).

One-Eighty by Summer

Go on just say it; you need me like a bad habit, one that leaves you defenseless, dependent and alone

For a long time, those words were part of the running theme song of my dating life. It seems silly now, but then, I would sing scream them at the top of my lungs, (because if you do that, the person you're screaming them at will hear you and finally understand their idiocy...pause not). Oh, who am I kidding? I still do this. 

Number Five with a Bullet

It's a long way back south, to where I belong. Well, you've been there once or twice and you still don't like it. I say you just never gave it a chance, (give me a chance, give me a chance).

Little Devotional

I calm the crowd by keeping quiet, move like a shadow up to your mattress. Gentlemen don't ask questions. We could pay attention

I could never truly pick a favorite from this album, but I know that I was constantly going back and forth between this song and the next for such a title. 

...Slowdance on the Inside

Well, cross my heart and hope to...I'm lying just to keep you here

This glass house is burning down. You light the match; I'll stick around

There are so many good lines in that song that I might as well have posted the whole thing. If you've never heard it, you should treat yourself and change that tonight. In fact, you should really just give them all a listen. 

So, at some point a song called Follow the Format was released, and I don't know exactly which album it belongs to, but most references point to Where You Want to Be. Either way, I didn't hear until right before Louder Now came out, but it's my absolute favorite Taking Back Sunday song, without a doubt. 

Make a big scene. Make this glass house my coffin. You missed the big picture, well it's the words that you're coughing out on your sleeve, so forge my sins here in song. I'm telling you now what you've known all along. And it's tired, so true, more subtle than you. There's a lull in the stereo; it's calling for you, (calling for you).

It's not a lie if you believe it; it's no mistake if it's always repeated

That's it. I've decided that I'm relistening to this CD when I run my errands tomorrow. I honestly don't think I could ever get tired of them, especially as each album is so different from the others, but all are equally as good (to me). As always, it depends on my mood, and just how nostalgic I'm feeling as to which album I'm going to focus my energies on. Where You Want to Be and Tell All Your Friends pretty much dictated my life from 2002-2006 (high school), whereas Louder Now trickled over in to college. New Again  actually never happened in my mind, and Taking Back Sunday is still currently being attached to new memories and people, though it does have some faint hints of last summer. 

Well, that's it for this episode of Taking Back Sunday Sunday. 

Tonight won't make a difference

hummingbird heartbeat

Okay, so I promise I am going to get better at updating, because I know how much you're dying to read this blog bored you are at work.

I've been trying to catch up on all of these summer movies that have come out, but every weekend four more that I want to see premier. Thus far, I've seen Magic Mike, (overrated and a little boring), Moonrise Kingdom, (best Wes Anderson film to date), and Katy Perry: Part of Me. Yeah, yeah, chuckle all you want, but I left that movie with a smile stretched all the way across my face, and have subsequently been listening to Ms. Perry nonstop.

I know that I blog about a lot of bands that aren't the most "mainstream," but I can appreciate good pop music just like the rest of middle America, and Katy Perry is fantastic pop music. Are her lyrics comparable to that of Bright Eyes in terms of poetry and irony and blah, blah, blah? No, but they are real, and they are something so many girls (women?) my age can relate to: giddiness of new love,  memories of old ones, the disintegration of relationships, and then not letting anything break her. It's every emotion I've ever felt. With every song, I can find a situation in my life to which it applies. And I can dance to them in my living room alone for hours. That's what I like to call a win, win, win.

Here are some favorites (sans real life examples):

Lost: Is there a light at the end of the road? I'm pushing everyone away, 'cause I can't feel this anymore.


Not Like the Movies: 'Cause I know you're out there, and you're, you're looking for me, oooh. It's a crazy idea that you were made perfectly for me; you'll see.


Thinking of You: He kissed my lips; I taste your mouth. He pulled me in; I was disgusted with myself.


I'm Still Breathing: So, as I write this letter and shed my last tear, it's all for the better that we end this here. Let's close this chapter, say one last prayer, but don't say that you loved me.

Part of Me: You ripped me off, your love was cheap, was always tearing at the seams. I fell deep, you let me down, but that was then and this is now.

Hummingbird Heartbeat: I see the sun rise in your eyes, your eyes. We've got a future full of blue skies, blue skies.


Wide Awake: I am born again, out of the lion's den, don't need to pretend. And it's too late; this story's over now: the end.


The movie is full of fun performances and adorable fan meet and greets, but also shows the toll that touring for a year had on Katy, most notably her marriage. I nearly broke down in tears at one point. It was so real, her heartbreak, and so familiar. I just wanted to give her a hug and tell her it would all be okay. This would be wasted because she already knows this. And that's why I loved the movie. She continues to have fun and live her life on her terms for her dreams. She has her sad moments, then takes them and learns from them and MOVES ON. It's pretty amazing. If I had to pick one adjective to describe this movie going experience, it would be uplifting.

I will own this movie, and if I have ever have a really bad day, I am going to pop it in, dance around my living room, and turn that day around.



You don't have to feel like a wasted space. You're original, cannot be replaced. If you only knew what the future holds: after a hurricane comes a rainbow.






boom, boom, boom, even brighter than the moon, moon, moon